Spousal non-approval advice sought

[theGringo]

OK, Here's an odd question,

My wife, a lovable but raving liberal is opposed to guns of any kind. I know, I know, some may think that's an oxymoron but be that as it may, she wants to bring up the subject of my owning a gun (PO Slim Hawg) with our couples therapist tomorrow evening. No, we don't have a rocky marriage, just mutually agreed periodic maintenance. My question is this, how do I present my case nicely and gently rather than accuse her of knowing nothing about the subject, and therefore afraid of something she doesn't understand?

You say "our couples therapist" as if everyone has one. Are you and your friends all Woody Allen, or something? I've been married going on 25 years, and you make me feel like I've missed out on something.

Why don't you do this: " ...accuse her of knowing nothing about the subject, and therefore afraid of something she doesn't understand?"

That seems to be about the size of it.

 

[AtlasShrugging]

Speaking from my vast experience with women - (well, ok, half-vast):

She doesn't want to work this out with you, she wants the therapist to "fix" you by somehow surgically removing the part of you that wants to own a gun, so you'll be a better adjusted member of society.

Call me cynical. You'd probably be right.
_____
IANAL, but I am anal.

 

[Walther]

So how much do you want for the gun?

Just kidding, find out what about it she objects to. She may just want to never see it.

 

[Blitz1]

Remember, logic doesn't work on Liberals. You have to appeal to their emotions.

Fixed it for you.

This is not a slippery slope, it's a cliff. I would try my utmost to keep it between the two of you. No sense getting a therapist involved, it won't end well for you.

Maybe you could join the forum ($19.00 year) here and bring her to a shoot?

She'll meet a lot of great folks and see there really isn't anything to fear about firearms in the hands of law abiding, upstanding people. Maybe the both of you will make some new friends.

Anyway, that's JMO.

Good luck,

Blitz1

 

[mass]

Remember, logic doesn't work on women. You have to appeal to their emotions.

How about "it relaxes me so I can tell you about my feelings" ; )

 

[JoeyD]

accuse her of knowing nothing about the subject, and therefore afraid of something she doesn't understand?

Don't be a jerk about it but that is exactly how you put it. I do things my wife doesn't understand, she does the same but it's give and take. If she can't give as well as she takes then the marige is not to be

 

[packingungal]

Remember, logic doesn't work on women. You have to appeal to their emotions.

...

 

[RI_John]

My wife is somewhat similar. She grew up in a very sheltered home. Her parents are fantastic, but very naive. They raised their children as pacifists. My wife's brother is so far gone he said he would not use violence to stop someone from killing his wife. So that's where my wife is coming from.

What I've learned is that the best solution is to agree to disagree. I don't talk about guns with her (lost cause), I don't expect her to be excited about my great session at the range, I don't tell her about any classes I take. I just keep that part of me separate. Sort of like if we had different religions. What would be the point in trying to convert her to Christianity if she was raised in the Jewish faith?

If I were asked to go to a therapist and discuss my love of guns, I might go, but I wouldn't even step into that pot of boiling water. I would just say that my wife and I disagree very much about the topic and there's no point trying to change either of us.

 

[dagwag77]

If I were asked to go to a therapist and discuss my love of guns, I might go, but I wouldn't even step into that pot of boiling water. I would just say that my wife and I disagree very much about the topic and there's no point trying to change either of us.

+1 No sense digging a hole and jumping in it..... if their minds already made, talking, with or without a counselor, isn't going to help at all. Agree to disagree, and respect each others point of view.

 

[gene]

You might want to change the subject if it's brought up to the real reason why your there (relationship) (respect) whatever and not discuss guns in any way if possible.

I went to a thrapist with my EX wife and 3 year old son once and the guy was a flaming liberal. From what I have seen, most appear to be.

Oh yea, he was 3 and the pre school recommended he needed counceling because he hit another child for whatever in a sand box with a little plastic sand shovel. Supposidly he had anger problems!

I made it all the way to 2 visits before I blew my stack at the ass hole. We were not discussing guns though and that's a problem because as already mentiioned they write it all down and it can be used against you in a deposition.

 

[freedom2012]

I went to a thrapist with my EX wife and 3 year old son once and the guy was a flaming liberal. From what I have seen, most appear to be.

This is very true, not to mention, most therapists become therapists because they want to fix thier own f***ed up delusions. Sorry to expose any therapists in here, but most of them beleive everybody has issues and need to hire therapists to fix them.

As many here know, liberalism is a disease of the mind and therefore requires intervention. On occasion, a healthy dose of getting f***ed over by a liberal can cure a liberal. A therapist can only feed liberalism and spread it like a cancer.

Tread very, very lightly, if at all, on this one.

 

[Sleepytime]

Was it your wife that wanted the 'therapist maintenance'?

Anyways, you are the one asking the questions here so I'll throw my $0.02 into this.
Besides being your 2A right, it could one day save her life.

My wife isn't the biggest fan of guns, but she understands that it could possibly be what determines the outcome of a life or death situation.

Ask her what she thinks would be the best defense against someone with a gun intent on causing you/her harm?

The answer I got from a guy I worked with was, 'I wouldn't put myself in that situation.' At that point I ended the conversation because it was obvious to me that he was master of his universe and could thwart any and all attemps of harm just by willing it. Kinda like closing your eyes and thinking, if I can't see you, you can't see me.

 

[namedpipes]

I like guns. My wife loathes them. She loves me and knows by now that I'm in more danger from her or our daughter killing me in my slee ...

I digress.

She doesn't get it, but reluctantly doesn't stand in my way. It did take 20 years of "her way" (everything locked away and forgotten) first, though. You might want to try something a little more near term.

 

[Sigmond]

just tell her that when she is with you, she is the safest she will ever be!

 

[Pomeraniac]

I wonder if this is a one-way phenomenon. Are there any pro-gun wives married to anti- men?

I wouldn't date any guy who didn't have a Class A LTC. The potential for "retaliation" if things don't work out is just too high. Yeah, I care more about my LTC than I do about being in a relationship. The LTC means a lot more to me.

The therapist is going to make notes of your discussion. If you're covered by insurance, those notes may travel further than you want them to go. I hope this periodic maintenance of your marriage doesn't blow up in your face someday. At the first sign of "trouble" you're going to lose your Slim Hawg to the local PD and you won't have a Fat Hawg of a chance to reclaim it. . . . I'm sorry but I'm not the least bit optimistic about the eventual outcome of this discussion.
Best Regards.

I agree with absolutely everything Riverside said there. It's going to be a disaster and it would likely be used against you in the future.

I am pretty conservative in some ways, but through my career and the health clubs I've joined I've become friends with a few shrinks. I know three pretty well, and all three would go bananas (like this ) if anyone mentioned firearms in their presence. It's like the word "gun" just sends their common sense right out the window.

I wouldn't go to the appointment if I were you. I wouldn't talk about guns, if I were you, if you do get roped into going. I wouldn't get married, either, but that's a whole other story.

Good luck. Really. And please let us know how it goes.

 

[Spanz]

Do you have kids? What are you going to do about trainning your kids to shoot? Is she going to step in the way of that?

 

[center442]

Just curious, Cub, was the gun acquired before or after your marriage? The reason I ask is that if this was a sore spot with your wife then I am sure there has been some previous discussion about it. Did this topic just come up out of the blue? The impression I got from your original post was that this was a low-key issue. Why is it suddenly being brought front and center?

My bride and I are very old-fashioned. I've never heard of going to a marriage therapist for a tune-up. I've always thought that was something folks did when there were serious problems in the relationship. Please understand, I'm not dissing either of you, or your relationship, it's just an alien concept to me. If it's not broke, don't fix it. My wife and I would have to have some serious issues before either of us would invite a third-party stranger in to mediate our personal lives and relationship.

If there are no real problems in the relationship, then perhaps your wife is just looking for something to discuss? Have the usual issues of sex and money been exhausted in these sessions?

I just can't see any good coming out of this, but hopefully I'm wrong.

One final thing: I would make arrangements with a trusted friend who would be willing to safely hold your firearm(s) on short notice. I'm serious, not being a wise-ass.

I wish you well.

 

[Negotiator]

Remember, logic doesn't work on women. You have to appeal to their emotions.

Wow - that was an insightful comment. I'm sure that helped

 

[Negotiator]

I am pretty conservative in some ways, but through my career and the health clubs I've joined I've become friends with a few shrinks. I know three pretty well, and all three would go bananas (like this ) if anyone mentioned firearms in their presence. It's like the word "gun" just sends their common sense right out the window.

.

Speaking as a psychologist, and ardent shooting fan, I know many folks in the business who are supporters of gun ownership and who would most certainly not freak out at the word GUN.

To the OP point - and I'm not that type of shrink, so take this for exactly what its worth - the whole notion of the maintenance couples counseling sounds pretty one sided to me and a completely bogus set up - sounds like the wife is using the venue to reaffirm her point of view in the marriage. She's against guns, so wants to bring that up in what very well could be her occasional way of resetting the compass of the marriage. No good, absolutely no good, can come from that type of situation. It's a zero sum game for husband.

Not passing judgement, just know that's a tactic that some passive aggressive spouses use to control the other half - using a third party to reaffirm and reinforce a position.

Need to get some large attachments and say a definite no to that conversation in front of a couple counselor - as before you can say Sigmund Freud, that will get twisted out of all context and the Op will be in a world of marital, and possible legal upheaval.

As Derek said, enough of the BS.

 

[CubJ3]

Spouse not keen on guns.

Thanks everyone, all very good advice and tons to chew on. I'll filter out the best and use it. Thanks for the link to a divorce lawyer by the way, had to giggle over that one. Bottom line is my wife thinks there is something wrong with me because I own a handgun. She may never get it, but I think the best approach (as in most things in life) is to be open and honest. In a nut shell, that I enjoy shooting and that the gun offers added protection as I care about her welfare. If the shrink doesn't like it; "that I have an LTC in MA (one of the most difficult states in the country to obtain), that I have been vetted fairly heavily, taken an arms safety course and been deemed by the state to be qualified to carry." I seriously doubt it will get into a 2A pissing match. This issue is not about politics so much as it is about my wife not understanding. Guns threaten and scare her, as most things in life one is ignorant about will tend to do. I have seen this therapist probably 10 times in the last year and a half, and I trust her regardless of her politics. My wife and I have a solid and open relationship, one of the reasons we both agree to go to a therapist to begin with. It allows us to air our garbage and offers her an opportunity to ask why I feel the need to have a gun. Being open and honest about it I hope will allay some of her fears. I'm happy to offer to take her to the range and try and de-demonize the whole thing, but she is fairly stubborn and I suspect this might not work. I think the best course is to just keep it simple (stupid). It may, as some of you have suggested, boil down to a simple agree to disagree thing. In the larger picture among the myriad of issues one faces in marriage, this is a minor blip for us, and I thank you all for your sage wisdom. I'll let everyone know how it goes once the shrinking is complete.

Cheers,

 

[Blitz1]

i can't believe no one has asked for pics yet. she drags him to marriage check ups, -the way you take your car in for an oil change. she wants him to give up shooting. and now he's posting about it on an online forum which means he has no friends. i.e. he's not allowed to have any.

this must be some world-class grade A primo poonanay!

Drinking on a Monday?

Speaking as a psychologist, and ardent shooting fan, I know many folks in the business who are supporters of gun ownership and who would most certainly not freak out at the word GUN.

To the OP point - and I'm not that type of shrink, so take this for exactly what its worth - the whole notion of the maintenance couples counseling sounds pretty one sided to me and a completely bogus set up - sounds like the wife is using the venue to reaffirm her point of view in the marriage. She's against guns, so wants to bring that up in what very well could be her occasional way of resetting the compass of the marriage. No good, absolutely no good, can come from that type of situation. It's a zero sum game for husband.

Not passing judgement, just know that's a tactic that some passive aggressive spouses use to control the other half - using a third party to reaffirm and reinforce a position.

Need to get some large attachments and say a definite no to that conversation in front of a couple counselor - as before you can say Sigmund Freud, that will get twisted out of all context and the Op will be in a world of marital, and possible legal upheaval.

As Derek said, enough of the BS.

Best advice here yet. I think Derek was referring to the person that posted the divorce lawyer link when he said that though. Just my take.

Thanks everyone, all very good advice and tons to chew on. I'll filter out the best and use it. Thanks for the link to a divorce lawyer by the way, had to giggle over that one. Bottom line is my wife thinks there is something wrong with me because I own a handgun. She may never get it, but I think the best approach (as in most things in life) is to be open and honest. In a nut shell, that I enjoy shooting and that the gun offers added protection as I care about her welfare. If the shrink doesn't like it; "that I have an LTC in MA (one of the most difficult states in the country to obtain), that I have been vetted fairly heavily, taken an arms safety course and been deemed by the state to be qualified to carry." I seriously doubt it will get into a 2A pissing match. This issue is not about politics so much as it is about my wife not understanding. Guns threaten and scare her, as most things in life one is ignorant about will tend to do. I have seen this therapist probably 10 times in the last year and a half, and I trust her regardless of her politics. My wife and I have a solid and open relationship, one of the reasons we both agree to go to a therapist to begin with. It allows us to air our garbage and offers her an opportunity to ask why I feel the need to have a gun. Being open and honest about it I hope will allay some of her fears. I'm happy to offer to take her to the range and try and de-demonize the whole thing, but she is fairly stubborn and I suspect this might not work. I think the best course is to just keep it simple (stupid). It may, as some of you have suggested, boil down to a simple agree to disagree thing. In the larger picture among the myriad of issues one faces in marriage, this is a minor blip for us, and I thank you all for your sage wisdom. I'll let everyone know how it goes once the shrinking is complete.

Cheers,

There's several things here I see that would never happen in my life. The first is bringing an outsider into an intimate relationship.

Not that I'm not up for an occasional 3...never mind.

I don't envy you right now. Sorry.

 

[z0mbi]

...

Wow - that was an insightful comment. I'm sure that helped

Sorry, I'm just drawing on my own experience and making generalizations. I realize it's possible that not ALL women are irrational... but I've yet to encounter one that isn't. I'm sorry you didn't find my advice insightful enough for your liking. Feel free to ignore it.

 

[K-DUB]

Sorry to hear it. Does she have any hobbies that you don't like but accept for her sake? Maybe you could bring that up & make her see that shooting is your "thing".

Good luck.

 

[dwarven1]

i can't believe no one has asked for pics yet.

Dude... it's a gun board. No one wants to see someone else's GFW wife - too many of us have our own.

 

[AtlasShrugging]

... sounds like the wife is using the venue to reaffirm her point of view in the marriage. She's against guns, so wants to bring that up in what very well could be her occasional way of resetting the compass of the marriage. No good, absolutely no good, can come from that type of situation. It's a zero sum game for husband.

Not passing judgment, just know that's a tactic that some passive aggressive spouses use to control the other half - using a third party to reaffirm and reinforce a position.

Yes, yes, yes! That's a much more eloquent way of saying what I was trying to say. Thank you, Negotiator!

Passive aggressive indeed. She wants someone else to deliver the bad news so she doesn't have to go into full ballistic mode (no pun intended) and be the bad guy. ("But honey, I thought we agreed..")

If her response to your havng a gun is to take you to a shrink .. Need I say more?

 

[economist]

My instinct is not to post about something so personal to someone else, but hey, you asked. That and this Jack Daniels is mighty good.

You are screwed. A "maintenance" counselor and an anti-gun wife means you are a couple of steps away from being asked to pee while sitting down. I don't think you have a good solution, so here is a bad one: tell her you sold the gun, don't ever mention guns to your wife again, and never reveal where your guns are or how many you have. Lie like a bastard. And tell that counselor that you just liked target shooting but gave it up for the good of the marriage. You have no offense, so play some D.

These "my wife is anti-gun" posts make so happy that I am married to a woman who shares my interests.

 

[In_God_We_Trust]

Once that you've decided on a gun purchase
First you get a place to hide a safe
And if you find that your craving makes you willing
Then you can turn gun purchases into art

There really isn't any need for conflict
You just do it with a little more finesse
If you can slip a gun into your safe
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess

It's purchase by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to do as your ABC
It's purchase by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC

Now if you have a craving for this hobby
And you're flushed with your very first purchase
Then you must buy two or three
And using a C&R bothers your conscience much less

Because your Second Amendment is not to be taken lightly
An NRA Lifetime membership is your GOAL
You can purchase as many guns as you can be tempted to
Because only you can protect yourself from the government scourge

Because it's purchase by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Purchase by numbers, one, two, three
It's as easy to learn as your A...B...C

 

[wmccurdy53]

Tell her you want to keep your guns but would be willing to trade them in for another hobby in order to keep harmony in the marriage. Tell her you want to have a mistress for your new hobby, then let her decide which you can have.

 

[FalArAk]

Protecting your wife from pirates is a good enough reason.

 

[namedpipes]

Tell her you want to keep your guns but would be willing to trade them in for another hobby in order to keep harmony in the marriage. Tell her you want to have a mistress for your new hobby, then let her decide which you can have.

Kind of puts me in mind of a (bad) joke I once heard about the definition of "Rodeo Sex". The idea is to be making love with your wife and comment that her sister is better at this, then try to stay on for 10 seconds.


If he tries that tactic, make sure the gun is unloaded (or she'll shoot him) and he has the phone number of that divorce lawyer someone posted!