Wife won't let guns in the house

[Sibb]

I've been exercising my second amendment rights since I was a kid. So I didn't have this problem with my then girlfriend now wife. It's only since I moved to a pro 2A town that I've really started taking people shooting on a regular basis. And the story is often the same. "I love <insert shooting discipline here> to bad the wife won't let me have a gun.

I appreciate all the feedback. I take from the thread that there really isn't much in the way of off site storage options.

Thanks

 

[M1911]

Maybe a safe in the garge is a possible compromise? I'm not sure if it matters (legally) whether it's an attached or detached garage but it might be worth researching.

I'm not sure what your legal concern would be. Either would be legal, provided the guns are locked. The changing temperatures and humidity in an unheated garage might result in some humidity issues, but I suspect that could be overcome.

 

[Keystone]

Everytime this topic comes up, we see the same advice: Grow some, be a man, be an adult, grow-up, etc

Sorry, that is garbage advice. Why?

1) It's advice coming from people who long ago made a decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.
2) It is generally (though not always, thanks for mentioning) coming from people who are not in that situation
3) It forces the "It's me or the guns" decision when that decision might not have to be made.
4) The people asking for this advice have generally not made the decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.


Here's some more thoughtful advice:

Step 1 - Try to identify the reason for "I don't want guns in my house" It may be possible to find a solution to her problem without forcing a "I know you don't want this, but tough" confrontation with someone you love.

Step 2 - Once the issue has been raised, try to provide a mutually acceptable solution. Solicite a mutually acceptable solution from your wife/girlfriend. - I really enjoy this shooting, it makes me happy/relaxed/destressed, etc. In order to continue to improve, I need my own firearm. Is there something I can do so you'll be comfortable with me having a gun?

Step 3 - Repeat Usually, once you address 1 concern, a new on will come up. This means you'll have to go back through it. It can be tough, but try to give it some time.

Step 4 - While going through this, try offering to let her try shooting. Offer to take her, offer to pay for her to go to a "Lady's Night" (as long as it isn't the night you ALWAYS go shooting) offer to pay for her to take a class, try to find something she's comfortable with trying. Offer and encourage, but don't push.

Step 5 - If you've done all of the above and you feel like you aren't getting aware, now you have a priority choice to make:

1) Conceed to her needs/desires/fears. Decide she is more important to you than the sport and that you're not going to push it.
2) Conceed to her needs/desires/fears. Decide her happiness is more important than your convience and look into an off-site storage solution. If you're the member of a range, they may be willing to rent you space in their safe. If you always go shooting with the same friends, ask if they have space (or are willing to store a safe for you) and are willing to store your guns at their place for you. - This eliminates the ability to use that gun for self-defense
3) Decide that the sport is worth the risk. Pick up a safe, cable lock and trigger lock plus a gun. Partially disassemble the gun, install both the trigger lock and cable lock on the partially disassembled gun and store it in the safe. Don't buy ammunition. This should minimize the impact, but understand that you are still risking the "You chose guns over me" reaction.
4) Decide that the sport is worth the risk. Pick up a gun, ammunition and safe. Toss the gun in the safe, store the ammunition seperately. Less hassle, but also less accomidating of your wife/girlfriend's wants/needs/fears.
5) Decide that the sport is more important than your wife/girlfriend's wants/needs/fears. Go out and buy a gun, store it according to local safe storage laws. Be prepared that you've forced the issue and created an ultimatum and be prepared to accept the results.


On the flip-side:
If you have been involved in shooting sports and have several guns, you need to make sure when you start a new relationship that the person you are getting involved with knows and understands your hobbies/sports/lifestyle and accepts it before the relationship gets serious so you can deal with this issues long before they become problems.

+1

Step 1 might be a "10 GOTO 10" situation for a while, but if you can reasonably work through fears and come to compromises, you probably can come up with something. If you can't come to a reasonable compromise..why not?

 

[jar]

Everytime this topic comes up, we see the same advice: Grow some, be a man, be an adult, grow-up, etc

Sorry, that is garbage advice. Why?

1) It's advice coming from people who long ago made a decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.
2) It is generally (though not always, thanks for mentioning) coming from people who are not in that situation
3) It forces the "It's me or the guns" decision when that decision might not have to be made.
4) The people asking for this advice have generally not made the decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.

On the flip-side:
If you have been involved in shooting sports and have several guns, you need to make sure when you start a new relationship that the person you are getting involved with knows and understands your hobbies/sports/lifestyle and accepts it before the relationship gets serious so you can deal with this issues long before they become problems.

Great post. I'm in the flip side category. I got seriously in to shooting while single. I recently started seeing someone and told her about the guns up front. If she'd had a problem with it, it wouldn't have lasted long. Getting seriously in to shooting while already in a serious relationship can be a tough situation. I think the advice of try to ease her in to it and if that doesn't work you have a serious choice to make is spot on.

 

[AMV]

If my wife wouldn't let guns in the house then I wouldn't let her in the house.

 

[IPSC_DRL]

Solution

A friend of mine once got a gun for his wife.








Said it was the best trade he ever made....................................

 

[ASHDUMP]

When I first got into shooting I had been with my girl for 6 years. I basically told her, "if you were ever in a situation and a gun was involved would you have any clue on what to do?". She said "No."

Then I said, "would you like to know what to do if it were to save you life?" and she said "Yes".

So then we went to the NRA course and at the end we shot a SW .22 revolver. She got 1 bullseye out of 6 and the rest were in a tight group. She's liked guns and there purpose ever since.

Its really about breaking the black cloud that overhangs these tools to people who know absolutely nothing about them. I will also add that there were 7 women and 2 guys including myself who took the course.

 

[M1911]

Everytime this topic comes up, we see the same advice: Grow some, be a man, be an adult, grow-up, etc

Sorry, that is garbage advice. Why?

I bought my first gun without asking the Mrs. She wasn't pleased. Not at all.

1) It's advice coming from people who long ago made a decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.

I had not made that decision when I bought my first gun.

2) It is generally (though not always, thanks for mentioning) coming from people who are not in that situation

My wife didn't say "no guns in the house," but she wasn't pleased and we had an uncomfortable discussion as a result.

3) It forces the "It's me or the guns" decision when that decision might not have to be made.

We never got to that point.

4) The people asking for this advice have generally not made the decision that this sport is a high priority in their life.

I hadn't made a decision at the time to make this a high priority in my life. I'd only been shooting once before, prior to buying my first gun. We had a relatively intense discussion. I showed the Mrs. the lockbox I was going to keep the gun in. I showed her how to unload the gun.

I told her about a safety course I had signed up to take. She said that if the gun was going to be in the house, then she probably ought to know more about gun safety, so to sign her up as well. She had fun at the course, shot better than I, and now has her LTC and a couple guns of her own. She doesn't shoot that much, but she does on occasion.

So it turned out well for me. But that's because I'm blessed and the only weakness my Mrs. has is her bad taste in husbands.

Sometimes you have to take a chance and go for it.

 

[FLHTC]

I never understood how one person can dictate policy in a relationship.

 

[Bfatz]

Get one of these

http://craziestgadgets.com/tag/gun-safe/

But all kidding aside, I must have a great wife because when I said ( said not told ) to her I was going to get my gun permit and what not she was just like, cool go for it. No other reaction really. In fact my wife takes her course next week....another gun owner among us people. And for the record even if she disagreed I was going anyway...she would have gotten over it.

 

[BradM]

I was on the flip side as well. When my (now wife) girlfriend and I decided to move in together, I told her that I wasn't getting rid of any of my firearms and that she would have to learn how to operate each of them although she never had to shoot one. She reluctantly agreed being an anti but after I walked through each firearm with her (I did about 30 minutes each, 1 every couple of nights) taking time to explain all the built in safety mechanisms, how each one worked, etc and by the time she went to the range with me she wanted to shoot. I took my time explaining the basics and answering any question she had regardless of what it was, and took is slow over a couple weeks so as not to overwhelm her.

Now she shoots with me and has expressed interest in having her own to shoot.

For off site storage, a good friend is your best bet. To work on her toward on site storage, slow and easy persistence works better than argumentative or beating her over the head about it.

 

[RadiCS]

My wife was not a big fan of guns and neither was I... I wasn't an anti but never really thought of owning them. I lived in NH and didn't care for guns moved to MA and then fell in love with them. Go figure!!

For us it was all about communication. We talked it over and did my research on gun accidents and crime. I've had my license for about three years now. For one of our date nights we went to the range and then we went to dinner. Now, there is no issue and she's actually going for LTC license.

 

[Roadblock]

I was on the flip side as well. When my (now wife) girlfriend and I decided to move in together, I told her that I wasn't getting rid of any of my firearms and that she would have to learn how to operate each of them although she never had to shoot one. She reluctantly agreed being an anti but after I walked through each firearm with her (I did about 30 minutes each, 1 every couple of nights) taking time to explain all the built in safety mechanisms, how each one worked, etc and by the time she went to the range with me she wanted to shoot. I took my time explaining the basics and answering any question she had regardless of what it was, and took is slow over a couple weeks so as not to overwhelm her.

Now she shoots with me and has expressed interest in having her own to shoot.

Reps for that. Taking a calm approach to "I own these, you don't have to want to shoot them, but I would like to show you how they function so that I can own them safely since we live together" is awesome. This "I know you don't want to shoot, but would you be interested in a brief safety lesson for your own understanding and safety should you ever come across a firearm" is the #1 way I get someone completely terrified/opposed to guns to end up going to the range with me.

Turning guns from the crap we see on TV and in the movies, to something owned by a responsible & liked friend/co-worker...and removing the "mystery" and "fear" through hands on education- is the way to go.

 

[calsdad]

Buy a safe, bolt it to the floor and don't give her the combo.

Then buy guns.

If she says she wants to leave thats up to her.

+1 - that's pretty much what worked for me.

That and the wife knowing that she could piss and moan about me doing something - and I was pretty much going to do it anyway.

I realize that not everybody is the same - but my "significant other" started out NOT wanting guns in the house - but also not being really adamant about it. I took the training course - got my license - and she knew all about it. Once I got my license - she said " so I guess this means you are going to buy a gun now" - I was thinking " she thinks I am only buying one he he".

The first pistol I bought - she did not know about. The second one I bought - I Walther P22 - I bought while she was there in the store with me (Four Seasons) on a Saturday - while the store was it's usual packed self - and there were a couple of women buying guns. I think this actually helped as she saw that gun store was not full of a bunch of rednecks and Nazis wanna be's and there were women in there too. It was also a P22 - which I excused away by saying it was a good training pistol - and it would be kept in the safe all the time (which it was). I also took her shooting with it a couple of months later - and she did ok.

Another thing that helped was that she went thru a phase where she would do this thing when we met up with friends where she would say " you know what Calsdad's latest hobby is? - he bought a gun!" . The reason why this helped is that EVERY single time she did this , the person(s) we were talking to would say " Cool! I always wanted to shoot a gun" - or - "My father used to take me shooting when I was a kid" or something that effect.

This happened multiple times - and I actually ended up taking some of HER friends shooting. She stopped doing that - and HER friends actually helped argue the gun case for me a few times.

The other thing that happened is a few different crime incidents. One was a home invasion just down the street from us where the perp broke into a house in the middle of the night and tried to rape a teenage girl - the father and mother struggled with him and received knife wounds in the struggle. I used this as an opportunity to point out that neither would have received knife wounds if they had a pistol and had just shot the guy. I also pointed out that they could have ALL been killed if the perp had gotten over on them. The SO responded with " but the guns are locked up in the safe - what good does that do us". Exactly - I said, this is why a pistol has to be kept in a quick access safe - and you have to be trained to use it properly so you know what to do in a case like this.

But all my guns stayed locked up in the safe - down in the basement, because honestly I myself am just not that worried about home invasion (in the example above the perp followed a teenage girl home - and got in because the house was unlocked).

The second incident just happened a few months back . A friend of hers had two men in ski masks walking down her driveway in the middle of the night (they set off a driveway alarm). When the friends put all the lights in the house on - the two suspects bolted and took off. This really freaked out the SO - because she realized that this kind of thing REALLY DOES HAPPEN. I augmented her fears by asking her what does she think would happen if two guys got into the house - KNOWING that there were people home - what does she really think a perp like that is going to do anyway, it won't be toasting marshmallows and singing kumbaya.

So the SO's response at this point was to actually suggest we should have a pistol ready in one of those quick access safes in case something happened. To which I replied: " well that's good for me - but what are you going to do?". She asked if the safe only allows one person to access it - I said no you can get combination or biometric safes and the biometrics allow multiple users. I told her that even though I have a license - in MA that does not allow HER to use the pistol, even to defend herself. So if I am not there - and somebody breaks in and is threatening her - legally speaking she cannot pull that pistol out and shoot the guy, because in the wonderful state of MA - she will probably get ME arrested for not securing my weapons.

Lightbulbs go off - female ponders reality - I suggest getting her license. This is something we are still working on.

The other side story is that I have bought a number (large number) of guns over the last few years. And the economic situation has made these into halfway decent purchases. I do not hesitate to point out that the vast percentage of my gun and ammo purchases were actually good investments - at a time when the stock market and 401k's were going down the crapper. Since the SO is very money conscious - this helps to sell it.

The bottom line is that me owning guns has not drastically altered her life - being exposed to them personally HAS changed her attitude in a way that not being exposed to them and arguing the point existentially would not have done.

If it was me I would CAREFULLY pursue the gun hobby anyway. Get the license - take the training class with friends so you can pass it off as something you did with the guys. Get your license - unless your wife/girlfriend monitors your EVERY move you should be able to do this without her even knowing. If you want to buy a pistol or rifle - do it and just put it somewhere she will not see it. Yeah - this is lying and sneaking around - but there WILL come a time when something will happen and you will be able to break it to her. Like I said above: everybody is different and her finding out may get you a restraining order and divorce - or it may get you being a gun owner finally accepted. In the end that is up to you and how you handle the situation.

 

[TY43215]

A couple of pages of responses and I did not see one mention of getting the wife/girlfriend to attend a Woman on Target event.
I suggest a WOT event as it helped change 2 of the woman in my life.

Nice idea in theory.. I taught my wife to shoot. Both my Daughter and Son know how to shoot. Wife still anti and as far as I am concerned she can stay that way. She will not be playing with my guns

As for off site storage, I feel if they are willing to do that, they are willing to give up their right as far as firearm ownership. They would be better to just go to a range like MFL or AFS and rent. I am sure they would rent to those not man or woman enough to stand up for themselves.

Sorry I am a little negative on this but the day I tell my wife she can not do something or the day she tells me I can not do something, that is the day we will be doing nothing (together) She is entitled to her beliefs and I mine. We do not interfere so we have stayed married a very long time

 

[danboSMASH]

A couple of pages of responses and I did not see one mention of getting the wife/girlfriend to attend a Woman on Target event.
I suggest a WOT event as it helped change 2 of the woman in my life.

I 2nd the WOT events. I sent my mom and youngest sister to one last year both are comfortable with firearms now. I do have an anti sister that hates guns and lives with my mother who has her LTC-A and doesn't own a single gun because of this. We are working on her and I am hoping that she can relax and enjoy a sport that the whole family does. I can honestly say that I wasn't happy that there were going to be guns in my house. It wasn't because I am anti it was because the roommate who got his license first to me would not be the first person I trust so it scared me a bit. But shortly after he got his license I took my safety course and felt more comfortable knowing the safety rules, how a gun worked, and actually firing a gun. So this might help some wifes/gf like it did for me. I am now hooked and actually own the majority of the guns in our household.

Good Luck to your friends. and what I have learned from the few friends that have their license and their gfs are not happy with it is that they buy and store them safely and they have no say end of story.

 

[M1911]

Sorry I am a little negative on this but the day I tell my wife she can not do something or the day she tells me I can not do something, that is the day we will be doing nothing (together) She is entitled to her beliefs and I mine. We do not interfere so we have stayed married a very long time

Amen. Mrs. M1911 and I have a similar philosophy and will be celebrating our 19th anniversary this summer. I'm guessing that you and your Mrs. have been married a couple more years than that.

 

[EddieCoyle]

Reading comprehension is fun.

 

[John C.]

Maybe a safe in the garge is a possible compromise? I'm not sure if it matters (legally) whether it's an attached or detached garage but it might be worth researching.

Another possibility would be at work. Particurly if he has his own office or better yet he owns the business.

That was my compromise solution to satisfy wife who didn't want guns in the house while we had young children, even if in locked safe.

That solution worked until the day my wife came home and found a strange car in our driveway, the garage door open and a man inside trying to wrestle the safe onto a dolly. When he saw her he literally had a panic attack. Ran back into his car and spent the next few minutes sucking on an inhaler. Then drove off. My wife took down license plate number and called police - but license plate turned out to be stolen and the guy was never caught.

Only good that came out of this is that the safe is now in the house - where it should have been all along. Oh and wife is also now slightly more sympathetic to my argument that it's not totally crazy to want a gun for self-defense/home invasion.

 

[PaulD]

I learned my lesson the hard way, I tried to help a friend with a "anti wife," and I only made matters worse. My 2 cents is to not get involved.

I think this is the most reasonable answer. However, I'll try to add something helpful.

Women, in my experience, tend to like to be eased into things (Um...anyway). Your friend should try to first suggest to the wife that he'll buy the most non-evil looking gun like a nice over-under shotgun for sporting clays and that he will keep it both disassembled and locked up when not in use. Next step would be to get her to try something like a friend's .22 pistol and then go from there.

If he wants to both keep the current wife and have guns, that's really the only path unless some event scares her into wanting one, like a break in nearby.

Also, for those saying dump the wife, remember that divorce is really expensive and unpredictable. Both of those aspects could lead to him not being able to own guns.

 

[center442]

Isn't this one of the reasons that so many guys cringe when they hear a woman utter the phrase "having a relationship?"

If you have to store your firearms "off-site" make sure you have frequent conjugal visits with them.

 

[JackDaniels]

The men in this country have turned into bitches. Here is the solutions: Tell your friends to grow a pair and store them at home.

 

[not new guy]

Lots of bluster in this thread... I wonder how many of the people talking tough would change their tune if their SO was listening. Or how many of them don't have an SO.

The reality of relationships is that sometimes you have to compromise, or at least act like you're trying to keep the other half happy. My own wife, for example, is not a fan of guns and actually cried when I first brought one home. She understands their place in America and respects my desire to own them, but for years she refused to live with them in the house. I eventually got my way (you send them enough news articles about how crazy the world is and they'll eventually tell you that you need to get a good rifle), but if she had continued to refuse for whatever irrational reason and had gone so far as to make me choose between her or the guns I don't think I'd have all that hard a time making the decision to stay with her. Am I a half-assed gun owner who doesn't care enough about his "rights"? Maybe. Would I put gun ownership above my marriage? No.

 

[PaulD]

Lots of bluster in this thread... I wonder how many of the people talking tough would change their tune if their SO was listening. Or how many of them don't have an SO.

The reality of relationships is that sometimes you have to compromise, or at least act like you're trying to keep the other half happy. My own wife, for example, is not a fan of guns and actually cried when I first brought one home. She understands their place in America and respects my desire to own them, but for years she refused to live with them in the house. I eventually got my way (you send them enough news articles about how crazy the world is and they'll eventually tell you that you need to get a good rifle), but if she had continued to refuse for whatever irrational reason and had gone so far as to make me choose between her or the guns I don't think I'd have all that hard a time making the decision to stay with her. Am I a half-assed gun owner who doesn't care enough about his "rights"? Maybe. Would I put gun ownership above my marriage? No.

You pussy! Just hit her on the head and drag her around by her hair.

 

[not new guy]

You pussy! Just hit her on the head and drag her around by her hair.

I'm much more subtle than that. Besides - I play the long game. The grand canyon wasn't carved out in a single rip-roaring argument.

 

[offcamber]

I went through a similar issue....wife hates guns...she has good reason her cousin was shot and killed (by his own schizophrenic mother) when she was a teenager. I talked her into letting me bring home a little .22 rifle....its barley more than a BB gun I told her....2 years later there is a .45 in a safe next to the bed and 11 more in the gun locker down stairs

 

[crazymjb]

I disagree with this whole "men have no balls issue." Anybody who is in a relationship knows that decisions involve BOTH parties, Hence: relationship - a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries . If one or the other party has a problem with something then it is discussed. In a WORKING RELATIONSHIP compromises are made. So all these guys who have been married for years and years and are deeply in love with their wives not spitting in their faces, telling them to GFY, and going out and doing whatever, are not ball-less. I'm sure for the most part they aren't all depressed that they can't get a gun, if they hadn't had one up until that point, they probably aren't all that interested. It's a lot different if the guns came first...

Fortunately I don't expect to ever have this issue.

Mike

 

[drgrant]

The reality of relationships is that sometimes you have to compromise, or at least act like you're trying to keep the other half happy. My own wife, for example, is not a fan of guns and actually cried when I first brought one home. She understands their place in America and respects my desire to own them, but for years she refused to live with them in the house. I eventually got my way (you send them enough news articles about how crazy the world is and they'll eventually tell you that you need to get a good rifle), but if she had continued to refuse for whatever irrational reason and had gone so far as to make me choose between her or the guns I don't think I'd have all that hard a time making the decision to stay with her. Am I a half-assed gun owner who doesn't care enough about his "rights"? Maybe. Would I put gun ownership above my marriage? No.

If you're willing to give up your guns, then what else are you willing to give up? That's the question you should probably ask yourself, at that point.

The problem lies in the fact that if you allow a woman (or man, for the ladies reading here) to walk all over you on this, then you've just opened a gateway to pain in your relationship with her down the road. Further, you've just contradicted yourself..... you said you have to compromise.... if she is saying "me or the guns" how is that a compromise? A compromise is something where both parties reach some kind of mutual agreement. Being forced to keep your guns out of the house, or not have them at all, is not a "compromise"- that's more like "You get nothing and you're going to like it. "

Also remember that if you allow yourself to be whipped to that degree, essentially you are giving permission to her to destroy you as a person. This kind of thing is an express lane to personal hell. Every person I know that does this eventually ends up being a miserable bastard and will probably end up divorced anyways. Challenging him/her up front will just expedite the process a bit. If she is really a keeper she will bite her tongue and get over it- realizing that you having a gun is not the worst thing in the world. If she is that nuts that she is going to dump you because you bought a gun, then I doubt there was really much substance to that relationship to begin with.

-Mike

 

[rudiewhitebwoy]

I guess I'm just lucky, my wife and daughter had their LTC's before I did. In my house, it's more like an "Arms Race".

 

[BradM]

I also disagree with this whole "men have no balls issue." The fact that I respect my wife including her opinions, fears, and feelings doesn't mean I'm not a man. Telling your wife that you're bringing a gun home and she can GTFO if she doesn't like it shows a complete lack of respect for her.