The Lord God looked down upon his creation and saw John Moses Browning. He said unto John, “Go forth and make me a gun”. John returned to his workbench where he toiled through the day and into the night, and through the day and into the night. When John had finished with his labor, he took this the product of his work, and humbly presented it to the Lord. The Lord God looked upon it, smiled, and said: This is good. And the 1911 was the pistol, for it was good.
The Lord thus said, "Thou shalt not muck about with my disciple John's design for it is good and it worketh. Shouldst thou muck about with it and hang all manner of foul implements upon it and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm."
As the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking. For their clearness of mind became clouded by lust. Artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it so that it became impractical to carry. And low but the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field-worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it. They didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord for they doth break and loose zero when thou dost need true aim.
So came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.
Seeing these malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the underworld took an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick. With the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by these plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.
A deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth so that they were unable to muck much with the design, so lo these pistols did function. Further snare men the evil one brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
Man, being stupid, did not understand these new pistols and did proceed to shoot them-selves with the plastic pistol, and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.
Let us pray that the eyes of man shall slowly open and that man shall be truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds. May the Lord send his messengers in the form of artisans who shall hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who shall restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration and bring joy and peace in the land.
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