The TALK with your kids??

[dbhn]

Had to have a brief talk with my 3-year-old girl on Saturday.

As an intro, she has been talking a lot lately about death and killing etc. "Did they die?", "Did they get killed?", "Are they killed", etc. I am sure this is somewhat normal as kids this age don't understand what that really means. And they become fascinated with things mom and dead tell them not to talk about so much. Might have something to do with the animals shows I always watch with them. I don't have too much of an issue with this. She is just learning and being rather smart and inquisitive IMO.

So, I pick her up at Grandma's where she is with her 7-year-old boy cousin. Mythbusters is on the TV and it is the one where they are testing firing guns into the air and whether or not the returning bullet is lethal (they claimed it wasn't, but that is for another thread). She starts telling me what is going on on the show. That they have guns and bullets. That bullets can "killed" you (she never uses that word right). And she tops it off with guns and bullets are bad. When I got in closer with her she was kind of upset and said (the kicker) "no one should have them."

I was kind of floored. Especially because it made her emotional. Where do they get this crap? Me and her went for a ride alone shortly after and I talked with her about the gun thing and the death thing. I explained to her what death meant because she admitted she did not know (I am sure she doesn't understand it still). I related it to getting hurt and why Mom and Dad are always telling her to be careful, you can't do that, etc. I also said it is something we don't need to talk about/mention a lot and Mom and Dad are always there if she has questions or doesn't understand things and encouraged her to ask us anything and ensured her we can talk about anything.

On the gun end, I gave her the old guns are not bad, people can be bad. Used an analogy of her hitting her little sister with toy and how that didn't make the toy bad that made her/her actions bad. Gave her the good guy, bad guy talk and explained that lots of good guys have guns too - her Dad, police, etc - and that they are only bad if used badly by bad guys. I told her I would teach her more about them as she got older and gave her the ask questions lines again. She seemed to get it.

Didn't think I would have to talk about things like this so early.

Anything I missed, did wrong in your opinion, etc?
When did you guys have to start talking with your kids about these things?

 

[PaulD]

And they become fascinated with things mom and dead tell them not to talk about so much.

There's some irony.

 

[PaulD]

Also, I think you're reading a bit much in here. I think a kid that age sees it as a simple case of something that can hurt a person is bad and that people shouldn't hurt other people.

Mine watched Rudolph before Christmas and got really upset that Rudolph was walking to the North Pole without his mommy. To her, it was that simple.

 

[z0mbi]

Also, I think you're reading a bit much in here. I think a kid that age sees it as a simple case of something that can hurt a person is bad and that people shouldn't hurt other people.

I disagree. She is forming an opinion that guns are bad, and I think he was right to try to nip it in the bud. I think you did a good job, dbhn.

 

[Adam_MA]

Me and her went for a ride alone shortly after and I talked with her about the gun thing and the death thing. I explained to her what death meant because she admitted she did not know (I am sure she doesn't understand it still). I related it to getting hurt and why Mom and Dad are always telling her to be careful, you can't do that, etc. I also said it is something we don't need to talk about/mention a lot and Mom and Dad are always there if she has questions or doesn't understand things and encouraged her to ask us anything and ensured her we can talk about anything.

First, it is a natural phase for kids to go through, they don't know what it means, and they can't understand. I think the way you handled it was good, and your explanation was good.

Trying to explain death to a child isn't one of the top things on anyone's list of things to do. They just don't quite grasp the concept, and though it will come in time, they will still have questions for a long time to come, and it's something that while not pleasant to talk about, should be talked about so a good understanding of the concept of everything lives, and everything dies is understood.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was try to explain to my sweet and innocent 4 year old that mommy wasn't coming home. I hadn't really prepped her for it, or even really about death for that matter, and trying to explain it to her, and then answer all of her questions during the hardest time of my life wasn't an easy thing to do. My 12 year old had a lot of questions, even though she had been through losing loved ones before.

It's never an easy thing to talk about, or high on ones priority to discuss with other grown-ups let alone children, but the fact remains that at some point in their lives, they will experience a death close to them, and the more they understand, the easier it will be for them to accept...

Good luck, and remember to smile at their lovely innocence!

 

[PaulD]

I disagree. She is forming an opinion that guns are bad, and I think he was right to try to nip it in the bud. I think you did a good job, dbhn.

Adam explained my thoughts better than I did. I was just trying to point out that she probably came up with those ideas on her own, not from an outside influence.

Adam, my condolences. I can't imagine having to explain that situation to a 4yo.

 

[dbhn]

Thanks guys. The death thing I did think was normal and I'm not really concerned much about it. Although my wife is. 3 year olds just don't get it. When it transformed to the ill opinion on guns I did think I needed to nip it. Plus, I want her to be shooting in a couple of years.

I forgot to mention the one thing that I took care to drill into her head was what she needs to do if she finds something dangerous (including a gun). I kept it very simple: 1) Don't touch it 2) Tell a grown up. Hopefully she remembers this part. I'll ask her about it tonight to see.

 

[packingungal]

You have to go with your gut on these things. They are seeking security...well, we all are. For a child, keep it simple. I think you did fine - it is about taking the time, caring, letting them know you are there.

 

[June4th]

What my 5-year-old said

Interesting topic, I had a similar talk with my 5-yr-old girl last week.

Somehow the topic of safety and BG came up and I told her if a BG were in the house, try run out of the house and get help from a neighbor. I also explained that mom and dad probably would be fighting the BG at that time. Now you wouldn't have guessed what she asked next:

"But dad, how are you going to fight the bad guys when we don't even have a gun yet?"

I was floored!

I'm filing my LTC-A application next week. Not that it took me so long, I just became a naturalized citizen last year...

Wish me luck tho, I live in Canton, MA, one of them 'black' towns...

 

[CRSIII]

When my oldest was about 3, she asked me what dead was, there happened to be a dead coon or a skunk, I can't remember,
in the road across the street from the house.
I told her that it was dead. I recall using that situation to drive home the do what I say principal. (that critter did'nt listen to its parents, and now look.)When the town still had'nt picked it up 3 days later, she understood what dead was.

As far as the gun thing goes, the 9 and 6 yo know, if you see a gun, and pappa is'nt holdin it, get away from it!

Now the baby, 3, is another story entirely. that 3 yo says "when I am a full grown man, I want a wallet, a wrist watch, and a shooter gun" I have no idea where this came from! Oh by the way, the 3 yo is a beautifull ( maybe I am biased) girl!

 

[dwarven1]

"But dad, how are you going to fight the bad guys when we don't even have a gun yet?"

I was floored!

I'm filing my LTC-A application next week. Not that it took me so long, I just became a naturalized citizen last year...

Wish me luck tho, I live in Canton, MA, one of them 'black' towns...

Smart kid!

Good luck on your LTC application, welcome to NES, and Welcome to the United States! (OK, I know you've been here for a long while to get naturalized, but... hey, you're a citizen now!

So welcome home.

 

[Ripach]

The death thing I did think was normal and I'm not really concerned much about it. QUOTE]

The "death thing" is very normal, I was compelled to ask my pediatrician. My four year old figured out somewhere what a cemetery was, now every time we pass by one, he nonchalantly points out "that's where they put the dead people". I had a long talk with him about what dead means, including the dreaded "are you and mommy going to die?" question. The questions are finally tapering off, but the fascination with grave yards continues.
As far as guns are concerned my children know I have them, they know they need to ask to touch them, and I never say no. Hopefully this policy will lead to a lack of dangerous curiosity in the future.

 

[Biff Quizler]

Where's the instruction manual????

DBHN - Sounds like you did a good job!
I'm lurking and gathering ideas for the near future when I'm sure I'll be answerring similar blissfully innocent questions. Better to have some element of an answer ready than to try to re-address it in conversation again later, especially when Dora the Explorer returns to the focus of attention!!!

 

[bostonasphalt2]

Interesting topic, I had a similar talk with my 5-yr-old girl last week.

Somehow the topic of safety and BG came up and I told her if a BG were in the house, try run out of the house and get help from a neighbor. I also explained that mom and dad probably would be fighting the BG at that time. Now you wouldn't have guessed what she asked next:

"But dad, how are you going to fight the bad guys when we don't even have a gun yet?"

I was floored!

I'm filing my LTC-A application next week. Not that it took me so long, I just became a naturalized citizen last year...

Wish me luck tho, I live in Canton, MA, one of them 'black' towns...

awesome, another citizen applying for their LTC! this is what the state needs, more and more people applying!

I really hope that Canton doesnt try to ram you with an LTC-B!!! I know that many on this forum (myself included) will be interested to hear the final result!

 

[dwarven1]

I had a long talk with him about what dead means, including the dreaded "are you and mommy going to die?" question.

OK, I gotta ask (since I'm not a parent): What DO you say to that?

 

[Adam_MA]

There's only one thing you can say to that.
"Everything and everyone lives and dies. Some will die sooner, and some later. Yes, one day mommy and daddy will die, but not for a long, long time, so it's nothing to worry about"

 

[dbhn]

OK, I gotta ask (since I'm not a parent): What DO you say to that?

I opt for the truth - no matter how old they are.

Well, with everything but Santa Claus...

 

[packingungal]

There's only one thing you can say to that.
"Everything and everyone lives and dies. Some will die sooner, and some later. Yes, one day mommy and daddy will die, but not for a long, long time, so it's nothing to worry about"

Perfect!

 

[dwarven1]

That's kind of what I thought - I won't lie to any of my nieces and nephews even when they do ask hard questions like that. I also try to treat them like adults and not talk down to them, and they seem to appreciate that.

 

[WILDCATT]

children

also becareful what they pick up in kindergarden and school.the antis are looking to take over.that sounds just like the gun grabbers cry."guns are bad guns kill people"children are a lot quicker on picking up conversations then most adults realize.my cousin retired as a teacher and told me " the constitution was not her field" so she could not tell me what the first amendment said.(she taught in Chelsea).I was shocked because I was taught that in civics class in Malden.

 

[EddieCoyle]

I opt for the truth - no matter how old they are.

Well, with everything but Santa Claus...

I didn't even do the Santa Claus thing. I avoided the whole issue. Never talked about Santa, never gave the kids a gift from Santa. They remarked that Santa left gifts for them at Mom's house but not at mine. I responded with, "All of this stuff is from me."

My son was pissed when he found out there was no Santa. My daughter thought it was funny.