J
JellyFish
Take cover! Hunting season’s here again
By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Friday, November 24, 2006 - Updated: 07:09 AM EST
Hot damn! Shotgun deer-huntin’ season starts in these here parts Monday morning, and what in tarnation will any red-blooded, pickup-truck-driving, Budweiser-swilling toothless good ol’ boy be doing come Monday at dawn but tracking Bambi, or, failing that, Bambi’s mother?
As John Kerry would say, Can I get me a huntin’ license here? Only if you’ll tell us where you saw that elusive 12-point buck, Senator.Yessirree Bob, huntin’ season only comes around once in a month of Sundays, but what the Sam Hill is going on with all this here posted property? Buncha danged flatlanders buyin’ up old Billy Bob’s back 40 and telling everbody from the Rod and Gun Club they can’t hunt? This ain’t Russia, bub, we’ll hunt where’s we damn well please.
Look, I have nothing in particular against hunters. I just like to make sport of them once a year. Of course there are way too many deer, and some of them do need to be harvested. But it’s amazing how many two-legged varmints also get harvested. Hunters are like motorcyclists and pit-bull owners - they blame everything on the 1 percent. Riiiiight.
Here’s a story posted Tuesday in Gainesville, Fla. A wily deer ran between two hunters, one of whom opened fire. Toll: no deer, one hunter wounded. The spokesman for hunter safety, whatever that is, lectured the readers: Treat every gun as if it is loaded.
And every hunter, too, he might have added.
Let’s go down the annual reading of the fallen Nimrods, and this is only partial, the more amusing incidents. All of the following occurred this month:
Mississippi - A 16-year-old Diberville high school student was killed by his 20-year-old stepbrother. The game warden lectured: “Know your target before you shoot.” I’m guessing they knew each other.
Maine - A teenage hunter in Penobscot County shot off his toe and part of his left foot last weekend when, according to a press report, the 17-year-old decided to double check the gun to see if it was empty. It wasn’t.
New York - A 49-year-old hunter in Livingston County was shot in the back by a member of his own shooting party who mistook him for a fox.
Kentucky - Two youths near Williamston were wounded Sunday after a hunter fired at a rabbit and the teens were caught in the line of fire. No charges were filed against Elmer Fudd. The wascally wabbit escaped.
West Viriginia - A 44-year-old hunter climbing into his tree stand on the first day of deer-hunting season Monday slipped and was left dangling for six hours, with a broken leg and severe hypothermia, until his father-in-law discovered him. The worst part of it was he couldn’t even reach his beer.
cw-3Minnesota - A 14-year-old hunter was killed by a 45-year-old who mistook him for a deer. The dead Nimrod was wearing blaze-orange hunting pants and coat, and a camouflage baseball-style cap. Haven’t you ever seen a deer in disguise?
Utah - A 27-year-old Box Elder County hunter accidentally shot himself in the chest while crossing through a fence, according to a local TV station.
Fence one, hunters zero.
Illinois - A 79-year-old man and his German shepherd were found shot to death inside his car parked alongside a road. The two were preparing to take their daily walk when a hunter opened fire on the car. According to a TV reporter, the hunter says he was shooting at a deer. A deer with four wheels and headlights, apparently.
Ontario - A 60-year-old woman wearing a red turtleneck sweater in the woods was gunned down by a hunter who mistook her for wild game. A week earlier, the dead woman had called the Provincial Police after a close call by another trigger-happy Nimrod.
Wisconsin - A 19-year-old was killed by a hunting buddy who mistook him for a deer. When he went to the location, he discovered his friend had been shot. How many more, Mr. Speaker? How many more must die?
I could go on, until a half hour before sunrise Monday morning. But you get the picture. Watch yourself. Elmer Fudd is in the woods. He’s armed and most likely, he’s also drunk.
http://news.bostonherald.com/columnists/view.bg?articleid=168837&format=text
By Howie Carr
Boston Herald Columnist
Friday, November 24, 2006 - Updated: 07:09 AM EST
Hot damn! Shotgun deer-huntin’ season starts in these here parts Monday morning, and what in tarnation will any red-blooded, pickup-truck-driving, Budweiser-swilling toothless good ol’ boy be doing come Monday at dawn but tracking Bambi, or, failing that, Bambi’s mother?
As John Kerry would say, Can I get me a huntin’ license here? Only if you’ll tell us where you saw that elusive 12-point buck, Senator.Yessirree Bob, huntin’ season only comes around once in a month of Sundays, but what the Sam Hill is going on with all this here posted property? Buncha danged flatlanders buyin’ up old Billy Bob’s back 40 and telling everbody from the Rod and Gun Club they can’t hunt? This ain’t Russia, bub, we’ll hunt where’s we damn well please.
Look, I have nothing in particular against hunters. I just like to make sport of them once a year. Of course there are way too many deer, and some of them do need to be harvested. But it’s amazing how many two-legged varmints also get harvested. Hunters are like motorcyclists and pit-bull owners - they blame everything on the 1 percent. Riiiiight.
Here’s a story posted Tuesday in Gainesville, Fla. A wily deer ran between two hunters, one of whom opened fire. Toll: no deer, one hunter wounded. The spokesman for hunter safety, whatever that is, lectured the readers: Treat every gun as if it is loaded.
And every hunter, too, he might have added.
Let’s go down the annual reading of the fallen Nimrods, and this is only partial, the more amusing incidents. All of the following occurred this month:
Mississippi - A 16-year-old Diberville high school student was killed by his 20-year-old stepbrother. The game warden lectured: “Know your target before you shoot.” I’m guessing they knew each other.
Maine - A teenage hunter in Penobscot County shot off his toe and part of his left foot last weekend when, according to a press report, the 17-year-old decided to double check the gun to see if it was empty. It wasn’t.
New York - A 49-year-old hunter in Livingston County was shot in the back by a member of his own shooting party who mistook him for a fox.
Kentucky - Two youths near Williamston were wounded Sunday after a hunter fired at a rabbit and the teens were caught in the line of fire. No charges were filed against Elmer Fudd. The wascally wabbit escaped.
West Viriginia - A 44-year-old hunter climbing into his tree stand on the first day of deer-hunting season Monday slipped and was left dangling for six hours, with a broken leg and severe hypothermia, until his father-in-law discovered him. The worst part of it was he couldn’t even reach his beer.
cw-3Minnesota - A 14-year-old hunter was killed by a 45-year-old who mistook him for a deer. The dead Nimrod was wearing blaze-orange hunting pants and coat, and a camouflage baseball-style cap. Haven’t you ever seen a deer in disguise?
Utah - A 27-year-old Box Elder County hunter accidentally shot himself in the chest while crossing through a fence, according to a local TV station.
Fence one, hunters zero.
Illinois - A 79-year-old man and his German shepherd were found shot to death inside his car parked alongside a road. The two were preparing to take their daily walk when a hunter opened fire on the car. According to a TV reporter, the hunter says he was shooting at a deer. A deer with four wheels and headlights, apparently.
Ontario - A 60-year-old woman wearing a red turtleneck sweater in the woods was gunned down by a hunter who mistook her for wild game. A week earlier, the dead woman had called the Provincial Police after a close call by another trigger-happy Nimrod.
Wisconsin - A 19-year-old was killed by a hunting buddy who mistook him for a deer. When he went to the location, he discovered his friend had been shot. How many more, Mr. Speaker? How many more must die?
I could go on, until a half hour before sunrise Monday morning. But you get the picture. Watch yourself. Elmer Fudd is in the woods. He’s armed and most likely, he’s also drunk.
http://news.bostonherald.com/columnists/view.bg?articleid=168837&format=text