Marine jokes!

[Andy in NH]

Why do Marines put name tags on their ass pockets? (no punch line required)

No punch line required - it's a practical matter. Marines put name tapes on their trousers so that when a platoons worth of laundry comes back from being cleaned, you know which pair belong to you.

Marine jokes!

As a group of new Marines stood in formation at Camp Lejeune, their Platoon Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the platoon wandered away, one PFC remained at attention.

The Platoon Sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The PFC smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, SSGT?"

 

[OfficerObie59]

No punch line required - it's a practical matter. Marines put name tapes on their trousers so that when a platoons worth of laundry comes back from being cleaned, you know which pair belong to you.

We just wrote out names on the inside with Sharpie on the tag. Seemed to workout fine in the Army.

 

[jasons]

We just wrote out names on the inside with Sharpie on the tag. Seemed to workout fine in the Army.

You guys can write your own names?

 

[OfficerObie59]

You guys can write your own names?

Yeah, amazing isn't it?

How does the saying go? "Esprit de Corps: Even if Marines can't spell it, thy have it in spades."

 

[fencer]

When I was a kid sitting in the Recruiters office in Quincy, I asked him, "What happens if a guy can't pass the PFT requirements in Boot?"

He said, "they have to join the Army."

 

[SteelShooter]

View attachment 59613

 

[hurley431]

Can't we all just get along... and hate on POGs



Mike

Why yes, yes we can.

What do you call a group of medics in the wood line?
Lost...

What's the most insulting thing you can call an Infantryman?
A Cav Scout

Why is the CAB a knife?
because you can't trust those idiots with a gun!

Why is it harder to be Army Infantry than Marine Infantry?
Every Marine is a rifleman, half the Army shouldn't be trusted with a spork.

Army times said that due to events during the Iraq war, that the air force is changing the name of the A-10.
It's now called the A-10 Grunt killer.

and then there are the 3 principles of patrolling
1) Always look cool
2) Never get lost
3) If lost, look cool

 

[inerlogic]

We just wrote out names on the inside with Sharpie on the tag. Seemed to workout fine in the Army.

That's because the army only accepts people who are literate and know how to spell their own name.....

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[jasons]

That's because the army only accepts people who are literate and know how to spell their own name.....

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Does that help them kill people more efficiently?

 

[duarteus]

View attachment 59613

 

[kingcrispy]

The envolution of company policy in the div.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.


Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.


Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with much more enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.


After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey every again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

​

Non-specific to the corps but it certainly applies.

 

[Boghog1]

Does that help them kill people more efficiently?

of course have you ever seen the marines use a drone?

 

[jasons]

of course have you ever seen the marines use a drone?

We used them for target practice back in the HAWK days, but I'm pretty sure it was Army guys who launched them for us.

 

[garandman]

The inferiority complex must be an Army thing.

I challenge you to find a single positive quote by a Marine Corps General Officer concerning the U.S. Army - ever.

/What's the most insulting thing you can call an Infantryman?
A Cav Scout/

This poem dates back nearly a century, and summarizes what Cavalrymen think of the rest of y'all.

Halfway down the road to hell
In a shady meadow green
Are the souls of all dead troopers camped
Near a good old-time canteen
And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddler’s Green.

Marching past, straight through to hell,
The infantry are seen
Accompanied by the engineers, artillery and marines
For none but the shades of cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddler’s Green

Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene,
No trooper ever gets to hell
Ere he’s emptied his canteen,
And so ride back to drink again
With friends at Fiddler’s Green.

And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge or fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddler’s Green.

 

[hurley431]

I challenge you to find a single positive quote by a Marine Corps General Officer concerning the U.S. Army - ever.

Both myself and my unit have been complimented multiple times by various Marine units... Usually in a snarky, underhanded way, something like "Well, your 10th MTN, so I guess you'll do." or "10TH MTN? Damn... sorry man..." but I think the best one I've heard so far came form a Marine unit training at drum for cold weather, when their commanding officer said something to the affect of "Well, I think you 10th Mountain guys... well, at least you 10th Mountain Infantry guys, are just a bunch of Marines who got lost in the snow and never found your way home. If you ever want to give it another try, we're always looking for recruits."

It was also ALWAYS fun to watch Marines fall out on long ruck marches in three feet of snow... and two inches of compacted ice. We'd always march up beside them and yell OORAH! (though, hooah is even gayer.)
The Poem was good.

 

[P-14]

A guy walks into a butcher shop. The butcher says they are running a special on Army brains today. He points to three piles of brains and says, "Captains' brains are $100/lb., Sargents' brains are $50/lb., and Privates' brains are $1000/lb."

The guy asks, "Why are Private brains so much more expensive than the Captain's?"

Butcher: "Do you know how many Privates I have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Ba dum pum ching!

 

[garandman]

Both myself and my unit have been complimented multiple times by various Marine units... Usually in a snarky, underhanded way,/

Right - and Derek won't find a single General officer reference because there aren't any. They had a monopoly on Hubris until L'affaire Petraeus.

I have one legit Marine joke.

It's November 10th, 1775, at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia, and a recruit walks into a waiting room, where he finds one other recruit - the first. Recruit number two introduces himself and asks, "How long you been here?"

"About 15 minutes," says Recruit #1. "Son," hes says, "Sit down, and let me tell you about the Old Corps."

 

[NRAJay2nd]

All good jokes. Just glad that each and everyone branch starts with the letters U.S. May the following lend light to what I mean.

A Yankees fan walks up to a Red Sox fan and says "you're team sucks"

Likewise a Red Sox fan walks up to a Yankees fan and says "You're team REALLY sucks"

A third guy walks up to both the Red Sox and the Yankees fan and says "baseball sucks"

Both fans get pissed, join together and pummel the shit out of the third guy.

God Bless the USA

J

 

[inerlogic]

Both myself and my unit have been complimented multiple times by various Marine units... Usually in a snarky, underhanded way, something like "Well, your 10th MTN, so I guess you'll do." or "10TH MTN? Damn... sorry man..." but I think the best one I've heard so far came form a Marine unit training at drum for cold weather....

Ahhhh fort drum.... And Watertown...... Town with 5 women who have 3 teeth between 'em......

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[garandman]

Ahhhh fort drum.... And Watertown...... Town with 5 women who have 3 teeth between 'em....../

Watertown NY makes Phenix City, AL look like heaven.

I worked with a WWII 10th Mountain Man and skied with a couple of others. Tough as a piece of leather, even in their 60's. Also met a WWII German Paratroop officer who considered them "very brave in the face of fire, and very aggressive."

I'm not sure if anything remains of their NH training area other than a plaque and some roads named after them. Story.

 

[Skysoldier]

Ahhhh fort drum.... And Watertown...... Town with 5 women who have 3 teeth between 'em......

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I don't know about that...my Nephew married a gal from Watertown when he was a Ft Drum, and she is a damn fine looker.

And her rich Daddy gave them a nice big piece of property and built them a house.

I guess it's all in where you look.

 

[garandman]

/

A third guy walks up to both the Red Sox and the Yankees fan and says "baseball sucks"

Both fans get pissed, join together and pummel the shit out of the third guy.

God Bless the USA

J

in the real world the third guy was a lacrosse player and beat the hell out of the cricket - I mean, baseball - fans.

 

[crazymjb]

of course have you ever seen the marines use a drone?

Lol, we threw (for no reason other than some officer wanted something to do) one of those remote control UAVs and never turned off the jammers. They also never reset the homing location to our current pos. It was pretty funny just watching the thing fly off into the great tan yonder. Some Afghan kid has a cool model airplane hanging from his mudhut somewhere. He can keep it with his NVG and radio collection.

Hurley... those principles of patrolling are one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Definitely gonna use that to motivate some boots when sitting around doing nothing.

Mike

 

[hurley431]

Hurley... those principles of patrolling are one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Definitely gonna use that to motivate some boots when sitting around doing nothing.

Mike

Don't know if they've made their rounds elsewhere in the service; but, I actually got it from my brother. He was an ANGLiCo Marine out of Lejune. They had it made up on their first deployment T-shirts, with another one that said "Full Metal Jacket, Killed more people than cancer." His COP's name was full metal jacket AFAIK.

 

[WargameHub]

I've always found the "get along part goes like this"

Squad mates will fight but if you attack the squad they band together against the other squad. Then platoon on platoon, company on company, battalion on battalion, division on division. Finally you get to branch on branch.

The worst thing I saw though... a civilian bad mouthed an ex-Navy when there was an ex-Army, two current Army, ex-Marine, an ex-Airforce in the group. He left the bar quickly.....

 

[Beecher Tool]

Hmm..Marine....Moved Around Regularly In Navy Equipment........I prolly ought stay away from this thread

 

[TTB11B]

I say I don't care Army or Marines, just as long as you aren't a friggin POG

 

[rick.benjamin]

We used them for target practice back in the HAWK days, but I'm pretty sure it was Army guys who launched them for us.

75-81, 5923, Alpha Battery, 4th LAAM BN
Both firex (Vandenberg, Stumps) were flown by the US Navy Drone Rangers out of Pt Mugu, CA.
In only one week, our BN destroyed their entire year's allotment of BQM-74 Drones! Both shoots! They were sooo bent!
They were used to recovering the entire drone, patching it up and flying it again. Hawk isn't Hawk for nuthin!
Then there was the Army Cobra ingress experment at China Lake? Yup! The rotors never came close!

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

 

[Nicole]

Equal opportunity harassment. This has been squirreled away for years, undoubtedly came from my father.


All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment are required to take an Oath of Enlistment. At
one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldnt hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and, because I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid
form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know Im not really in the Military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of Basic Training <snicker>, I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger.

I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So Help Me God!

Signature
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, Im not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual..er..I mean, Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school every month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to
work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to COMPANY. I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!

Signature
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too corporate, because I didn’t want to actually live in the dirt like the Army, and because I thought Hey, I like to swim - why not?

I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of
pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like deck, bulkhead, cover and head, when I really mean floor, wall, hat and toilet. I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and
make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year.

I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound colleagues. So Help Me Neptune!

Signature
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear.uhhhh.high-and-tight.grunt.ugh.Air Force Women.OORAH!
So Help Me CORPS!

Thumbprint and X
Date
Witness Signature
Date

 

[fencer]

That is epic!