1,000 posts and 1 year on NES -- GREEN KARMA

BradM

BradM

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Well,

Today is my 1 year NES anniversary, and I just hit 1,000 posts this week - all in all not a bad year. I've met a few great folks, and hope to meet many more of you in the future.

I think I've given away 3 or 4 NES memberships and a couple for GOAL, but it's been a while and this is a good time to do it.

Instead of just doing a random drawing, reply with your worst/corniest/dumbest joke, and I'll pick a winner next Friday. It has to at least be funny, even if it's a groaner type "oh wow that's Three Amigos bad" kind of funny.

[laugh]
 
Foursome of elderly golfers on the seventh green, near the road.

A funeral procession comes down the road, and Bill, who's about to putt for par straightens up, takes off his hat and respectfully watches the cars pass.

Surprised, his fellows follow suit.

After the procession passes, Bill puts his hat back on, and sets up his putt again.

Tom says, "Wow, Bill, I've never seen you do that with a funeral before."

As Bill putts, he says, "Yeah, she was a good wife."

Happy 1K,

see you around the club
 
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. 'What is the big brass gong and hammer for?' one of his friends asked. 'That is the talking clock,' the man replied. 'How's it work?'

'Watch,' the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, 'Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!'
 
Duck walks into a pharmacy and ask for chapstik. When asked to pay he said, "put it on my bill."
 
I wouldn't say it's the worst joke but I love telling it. (copied from another site so I didn't have to type it out). I would say it's clean enough but feel free to disagree.

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"

Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"

Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
 
A man leaves work early and returns home to find his wife in bed with his best friend.

Looking at his wife, he curses at her, "I cannot believe you cheated on me! You have no respect for marriage, no love for me at all! I am disgusted with you and want you out of the house in ten minutes, we are through!"

The wife bursts into tears, gathers her things and leaves quickly.

Turning to his best friend, the man shakes his head and yells, "As for you...BAD DOG, BAD DOG!"
 
Well the rules I read never said just one joke so:

Q - What's blue and sits on a toilet?
A - A Police man doing his duty [rofl]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Marine Corp General, an Army General, a Navy Admiral and an Air Force General were all having coffee one day and bragging about their branch having more guts then all the rest. Well the Marine General decided that he would prove that the Marine Corp had the most guts.
He yelled "Hey Private!"
The Private ran over and saluted "Yes General"
The General then said "Go to the top of that building (pointing across the street) and jump off the roof.
"Yes General" said the Private and then he ran across the street and up the stairs to the top of the building and jumped off to his death.
The General looked at everyone else and said "That's guts right there!"
The Army General responded by saying "oh yea? Hey Private!"
The Private ran over and saluted "Yes General."
"Private I want you to run across the street to that building and do a back flip off the roof." said the General.
"Yes General" said the Private. He then ran across the street and up the stairs to the roof and did a back flip right off to his death.
"Now that's guts" said the General.
The Admiral laughed and said "watched this. Hey Seaman!"
The Seaman ran over and saluted "Yes Admiral"
"Seaman I want you to run to the top of that building and do a swan dive off the roof" said the Admiral.
"Yes Admiral" said the Seaman then he ran up to the top of the building and did a swan dive right off to his death.
"No I'd say that that is guts right there" said the Admiral.
The Air Force General said "You guys have no idea what real gut is. Hey Airman!"
The Airman ran over and saluted "Yes General" said the Airman.
Airman I want you to run to the top of that building and jump off" said the General.
"Screw You General!" said the Airman.
"Now THAT is guts!" Said the General.
[laugh2][laugh2][rofl][rofl][laugh2][laugh2]
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel halfway in his pants, and he goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender gets his drink and then goes "Hey Buddy, I hate to ask, but what's with that steering wheel? Isn't that annoying?

The pirate replies "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
 
A piece of rope walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The Bartender looked at him and said "we don't serve your kind here and you need to leave". The rope was upset but left. The next day he tied himself in a knot and freyed his ends. He went back to the same bar and the same bartender was working. The bartender looked at him and said "Aren't you the piece of rope that came in here yesterday?" "No I'm a frayed knot" said the rope.

Sorry that's #3 for me.......
 
I'm NOT blond... [grin]

Why'd the blond get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she threw out all of the W's.

What'd the blond say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!

When the long-dead blond was found in the closet, what did it say on her T-shirt?

Hide - N - Seek Champion 1979

Why do blonds always smile during lightning storms?

Because they think someone wants to take their picture.

Why shouldn't blonds take coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.
 
A fellow NES'er came home from work, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked puzzled, but brought him a beer anyway.
When he finished the beer he said, "Quick, bring me another beer, it's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry (she didn't know the gun safe combination, so no worries), but brought him the beer anyway.
He finished the beer, and said, "quick, one more beer before it starts"
"That's it", she blows her top.
"You waltz here, flop down, don't even say hello, then expect me to run and get you beer after beer,
Don't you realize I cook, clean, do laundry and iron all day long!"

The fellow NES'er sighed and says, "Oh damn, it's started".
 
I laughed at the one above...

The man got married, and they were going home to his farm. The horse spooked and bolted. When the farmer got the horse stopped, he climbed down off the wagon, looked the horse in the face and pronounced, "That's one."

The continued their travel, and the horse bolted again. After stopping, the farmer again walked up to the horse, and firmly told him, "That's TWO!"

The horse bolted again. The farmer finally stopped the horse, and from his seat, he thundered, "THAT'S THREE!" He retrieved his rifle from under the wagon's seat, and killed the horse.

His bride then shrieked, "What are we going to do now? We've got miles to go, we're all dressed up, and we've got a wagon-full of our new household goods. HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET HOME BY NIGHTFALL?"

The farmer calmly waited for his wife to finish her rant. He looked his lovely bride in the eye, and quietly but very firmly said, "That's ONE."
 
Last edited:
in please thank you. Did you hear the new line of ford trucks,come standard with heated tailgates,so your hands dont get cold pushing it to the garage.haha thats all i got.
 
Why does the Navy carry Marines on board thier ships?
Because sheep would be too obvious.
:D

A couple of fighter pilots were at a bar talking about who flies the better aircraft. One was an F-15 pilot and the other was an F-16 pilot. It was getting petty mean when all of a sudden the F-15 pilot says "I have the best way to settle this. We both take our jets and fly 300 miles out over the ocean. Then after we turn back we both shut down one engine and see makes it back first."
[laugh2][laugh2]
 
This one is really bad... but not dirty :).

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
 

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