Joke for the weekend

[MrsWildweasel]

Here you go....
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him,
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

 

[FPrice]

MrsWildWeasel,

Whenever I hear that joke I want to ask the person a certain question.

But I won't, I WON'T, I WON'T!

 

[TonyD]

MrsWildWeasel,

Whenever I hear that joke I want to ask the person a certain question.

But I won't, I WON'T, I WON'T!

No, Frosty, it's not the dress.

 

[FPrice]

TonyD...

Not THAT question! [oops]

 

[Lynne]

MrsWildWeasel,

Whenever I hear that joke I want to ask the person a certain question.

But I won't, I WON'T, I WON'T!

No, Frosty, it's not the dress.

[lol] [lol] [lol] [lol]

 

[TonyD]

TonyD...

Not THAT question! [oops]

oops..

 

[FPrice]

This picture was posted on another forum with the caption,

HONEY, DO THESE GRIPS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK FAT?

 

[Lynne]

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

" I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy was a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

 

[KMaurer]

It's a good one, Lynne. The only part about it that's a bit of a downer for me is the fact that, in the version we heard and spread, the names were Ho Chi Minh and LBJ.

Ken

 

[Admin]

[lol] [lol] [lol] [lol]

 

[Lynne]

It's a good one, Lynne. The only part about it that's a bit of a downer for me is the fact that, in the version we heard and spread, the names were Ho Chi Minh and LBJ.

Ken

That's the one your father told you, right Ken?

 

[KMaurer]

Don't I wish.

It was actually a corporal, Steve Schnack. Since we're coming up to Memorial Day weekend, he's on Panel 33E, Line 60. Semper Fi, Steve.

Ken

 

[Lynne]

Since I'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend....

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was
to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that failed to perform went
into the soup pot; and was replaced. That took an awful lot of
Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine
specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old
Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But,
to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and creep up
on the next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county
fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the
judges.

The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize"
but they awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Brewster was a Liberal . Who else could figure
out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and
screwing them.

 

[Lynne]

I *know* it's not the weekend...but I'm still "under the influence".

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the senator asks him what his name is.

Kenneth."

And what is your question, Kenneth?"

I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

 

[C-pher]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you guess?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well" said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

 

[Lynne]

Parable of Contrasts

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning, when the barber arrives to open, thereis a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning, when the barber arrives to open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later, a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber arrives to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business and become more successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he offers to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning, when the barber arrives to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.