The rules

Apr 7, 2006
New England
Feedback: 39 / 0 / 0
USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.

If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)

If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

Have a plan.

Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

Use cover and concealment as much as possible.

Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

Don't drop your guard.

Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.

Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.

The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.

Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

The Army adds these rules of warfare:

· If the enemy is in range, so are you.
· If its stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
· You are not Superman [ Marines & Fighter Pilots take note ].
· Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
· When in doubt, empty the magazine.
· Never share a fighting hole with someone who is braver than you.
· There is always a way, Thinking of it before you need to is the trick.
· If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
· All 5 second grenade fuses are 3 seconds.
· If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
· It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
· The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
· If your short on everything but enemy, you're in combat.
· Incoming has right of way.
· Body Count --- 4 Pigs + 3 Cows + 1 Enemy = 99 KIA's.
· No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
· No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
· Teamwork is essential, it gives them more people to shoot at.
· Tracers work both ways.
· The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
· Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
· Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
· If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
· A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
· If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.
· Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
· When artillery doesn't work, call for an air strike.
· Close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and nukes.
· No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
· Friendly fire --- Isn't.
· The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an 2nd Lieutenant with a map.
· The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
· The buddy system is essential to your survival, it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
· The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
· If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
· The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
· If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
· The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
· There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you [ and miss ].
· Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
· If the Gunny can see you, so can the enemy.
· Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
· All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets --- printed at different scales.
· All battles are fought uphill.
· All battles are fought in the rain.
· Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
· Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
· What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
· A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
· If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
· War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact.
· Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
· Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
· Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
· Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
· When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
· It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
· No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
· Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
· Always know how to get out of Dodge.
· Always remember, your equipment was made by he lowest bidder.
· Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
· Always honor a threat.
· The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the length of the time you have been carrying it.
· Hell hath no fury like a liberal non-combatant.
· Fighter pilots make movies; Attack pilots make history.
· There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
· A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
· Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
· All warfare is based on deception.
· A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
· If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
· Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
· Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
· Cold and snow are not neutral.
· The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
· Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained and held on a battlefield.
· War is the unfolding of miscalculations.
· Perfect is the enemy of good enough.
· Good enough --- Isn't.
· He who wants do defend everything defends nothing.
· Mine fields are not neutral. They attack anyone.
· The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
· The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.
· Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
· The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.
· To ensure this, the mortar team carries extra pins.
· There is no such thing as a convenient fighting hole.
· Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
· More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
· Beer Math --- 2 Beers X 12 Grunts equals 49 Cases.
Right up there with the Do not eat on it also. I figure someone somewhere had to have tried that, in order for that to be printed on it.[laugh]
Murphy's Laws of Armor Operations

1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run, you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.
2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to your tank.
2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.
3. Tanks don’t float.
4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and going to the field with his unit, he will ask for a few minutes to “Think it over.”
5. Attempting to help recover a mired tank will only result in your tank becoming mired also.
6. The primary purpose of an operations order is to ensure that all blame falls on the line units.
6a. For this reason, the staff will not publish an operations order until after the exercise is completed.
7. Night vision devices will only fail at night.
7a. They will function perfectly once the sun rises.
8. The dirtier and more tired you are, the less appreciative you become of “constructive criticism” from somebody in a pristine uniform.
9. The heater on your tank will fail in October. The part to repair it will arrive in April.
10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics will result in an I.V.
10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your being evacuated in a neck brace and backboard (in addition to the I.V.).
11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end first.”
12. The only times you will throw a track are: a. At night, b. in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one hour after you installed the new ones.
13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team leaves the AO.
14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.
17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison just after the wash rack closes.
18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.
18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an anti-tank team setting up.
19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a successful Table VIII shoot.
20. XO math: 3 pacs on the ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines = 100% FMC.
21. Close air support is safest from far away.
22. Proving that three feet of frontal armor protection will defend against any threat is probably best demonstrated on someone else’s track.
23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon after an “on-the-waaay!” means you’re probably not getting that
24. Tanks are very easy to see unless you’re dismounted and they’re backing up.
25. The one time you skip the firing circuit test is when you have the misfire.
26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER” is not an appropriate use of ammunition.
27. It is cruel to tell NBC types “Damn, that Fox looks like a BTR!” — particularly when live rounds
are being issued.
28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = Polizei.
29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way through a rail tunnel.
30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational until you get to the ready line.
31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean is: You will be breaking track.
32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.
There are always favorite

The Skippy List

Explanations of these events:

a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz...what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? "Um....a rubber sheep...I can explain why that's there....")

To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly..... I'm funny, so they let me live.
The 213 Things....

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole f***ing village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Skippy's list I can relate to, we worked MI and we had enough mech's or others that I can picture them doing some of them or trying some of them.[laugh]
One of the guys that worked supply with me, he had a collection of MP helmets..... we'll just leave it at that.[rolleyes] It was an interesting crew I worked with to say the least.
Oh, I like #193... and he's wrong.
Some of the really weird ones are Op's. Oh man they were definately on another planet. Glenn did computer repair, I worked in their supply. Glenn also taught at Devens for awhile. The ditty boppers were the really weird ones.[rolleyes]
Yeah, MI is a unique experience as I put it.
Hey, I'm new here, but I see you've already got me pegged!

Not only was I MI, but I was an O5D (later 98D), Morse Code direction finder, so not only was I insane, but I had a lot of free time on my hands.

Thanks for the laugh!
You guys always kept us amused on the buses going back to the barracks.[laugh] Along with the mechs. It was never dull.[laugh] Oh, and welcome. There are a few of us MI pukes around too.
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A new take on the Rules for Carrying a Gun

CLINT SMITH, DIRECTOR OF THUNDER RANCH, is part drill instructor, and part stand-up comic. Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to a fight. ...I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic bomb instead."

The two most important rules in a gunfight are: always cheat and always win."

"Every time I teach a class, I discover I don't know something."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, cause it's gonna be empty."

"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin, you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy....and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a Ghilliesuit."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for."

"Don't shoot fast, shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."

You cannot save the planet. You may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away and either way it will be exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom....... The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count , the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7.. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what i s behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.

'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson

Always carry a gun.
Never talk about the fact that you carry a gun.
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