A parody excerpted from Fighting for Liberty (http://fightingforliberty.com/178/exclusive-paul-helmke-brady-campaign-interview/)
/Begin Quote:
Well, I normally wouldn’t bust out this big of a story without a press release and a great deal of fanfare, but I was recently able to sit down with Paul Helmke and discuss what truly constitutes an “assault weapon.” Following is a nearly complete transcript of our conversation:
HELMKE: *holding a spork against a copy of the Constitution* So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.
LIBERTY: Let me explain-
HELMKE: — there’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to reclaim what I’ve rightfully hijacked.
LIBERTY: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
HELMKE: There will be no arrangement — *presses the spork against the 2nd Amendment* — and you’re destroying this …
LIBERTY: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
HELMKE: I’m afraid so — I can’t compete with your assault weapons. And you’re no match for my legislation.
LIBERTY: You’re that thorough?
HELMKE: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Kennedy, Feinstien, Schumer?
LIBERTY: Yes.
HELMKE: Pussies.
LIBERTY: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
HELMKE: For the Constitution?
LIBERTY: *nods*
HELMKE: To the death?
LIBERTY: *nods again*
HELMKE: I accept.
LIBERTY: Good. Pour the Kool-Aid. *holds up a blank picture* View this, but do not touch.
HELMKE: I see nothing.
LIBERTY: What you do not see is called an “assault weapon”. It is imaginary, inanimate, impossible to legislate, and is among the more reviled weapons to your average liberal or GOP candidate.
HELMKE: Hmm.
LIBERTY: *reaches into a bag, places two nearly identical weapons on the table in front of Helmke* All right, where is the assault weapon? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both shoot, and find out who is right, and who is … wrong.
HELMKE: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the assault weapon in front of him, or his enemy?
Now, a clever man would put the weapon in front of him, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’ve made your decision then?
HELMKE: Not remotely. Because assault weapons come from gun show loopholes, as everyone knows. And gun shows are entirely frequented with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you.
LIBERTY: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
HELMKE: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
LIBERTY: Gun shows.
HELMKE: Yes — gun shows, and you must have suspected I would have known the weapon’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the gun in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’re just stalling now.
HELMKE: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you!
You’ve beaten legislation sponsored by the Virginia Tech families, which means you’re exceptionally well funded. So, you could have put the assault weapon in front of yourself, trusting in the evil gun lobby to save you. So I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you. But, you’ve also sent a 2nd Amendment case to the Supreme Court which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that assault weapons are mind-controlling, so you would have put the weapon as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the gun in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –
HELMKE: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know which one the assault weapon is!
LIBERTY: Then make your choice.
HELMKE: I will. And I choose — *suddenly stops, points* — LOOK! Somebody shooting coconuts with Serbu Super Shorty!
LIBERTY: What? Where!? I don’t see anything.
HELMKE: *switches the guns* Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
LIBERTY: What’s so funny?
HELMKE: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s shoot — me with my weapon, and you with yours.
*three shot bursts ring out*
LIBERTY: You guessed wrong.
HELMKE: You only think I guessed wrong — that’s what’s so funny! I switched guns when your back was turned. You fool.
HELMKE: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never claim a righteous shooting in Massachussetts.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against the BRADY CAMPAIGN when a GUN BAN is on the line! HAHAHAHAHA!”
/Unquote:
/Begin Quote:
Well, I normally wouldn’t bust out this big of a story without a press release and a great deal of fanfare, but I was recently able to sit down with Paul Helmke and discuss what truly constitutes an “assault weapon.” Following is a nearly complete transcript of our conversation:
HELMKE: *holding a spork against a copy of the Constitution* So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.
LIBERTY: Let me explain-
HELMKE: — there’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to reclaim what I’ve rightfully hijacked.
LIBERTY: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
HELMKE: There will be no arrangement — *presses the spork against the 2nd Amendment* — and you’re destroying this …
LIBERTY: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
HELMKE: I’m afraid so — I can’t compete with your assault weapons. And you’re no match for my legislation.
LIBERTY: You’re that thorough?
HELMKE: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Kennedy, Feinstien, Schumer?
LIBERTY: Yes.
HELMKE: Pussies.
LIBERTY: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
HELMKE: For the Constitution?
LIBERTY: *nods*
HELMKE: To the death?
LIBERTY: *nods again*
HELMKE: I accept.
LIBERTY: Good. Pour the Kool-Aid. *holds up a blank picture* View this, but do not touch.
HELMKE: I see nothing.
LIBERTY: What you do not see is called an “assault weapon”. It is imaginary, inanimate, impossible to legislate, and is among the more reviled weapons to your average liberal or GOP candidate.
HELMKE: Hmm.
LIBERTY: *reaches into a bag, places two nearly identical weapons on the table in front of Helmke* All right, where is the assault weapon? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both shoot, and find out who is right, and who is … wrong.
HELMKE: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the assault weapon in front of him, or his enemy?
Now, a clever man would put the weapon in front of him, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’ve made your decision then?
HELMKE: Not remotely. Because assault weapons come from gun show loopholes, as everyone knows. And gun shows are entirely frequented with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you.
LIBERTY: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
HELMKE: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
LIBERTY: Gun shows.
HELMKE: Yes — gun shows, and you must have suspected I would have known the weapon’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the gun in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’re just stalling now.
HELMKE: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you!
You’ve beaten legislation sponsored by the Virginia Tech families, which means you’re exceptionally well funded. So, you could have put the assault weapon in front of yourself, trusting in the evil gun lobby to save you. So I can clearly not choose the weapon in front of you. But, you’ve also sent a 2nd Amendment case to the Supreme Court which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that assault weapons are mind-controlling, so you would have put the weapon as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the gun in front of me.
LIBERTY: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –
HELMKE: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know which one the assault weapon is!
LIBERTY: Then make your choice.
HELMKE: I will. And I choose — *suddenly stops, points* — LOOK! Somebody shooting coconuts with Serbu Super Shorty!
LIBERTY: What? Where!? I don’t see anything.
HELMKE: *switches the guns* Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
LIBERTY: What’s so funny?
HELMKE: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s shoot — me with my weapon, and you with yours.
*three shot bursts ring out*
LIBERTY: You guessed wrong.
HELMKE: You only think I guessed wrong — that’s what’s so funny! I switched guns when your back was turned. You fool.
HELMKE: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never claim a righteous shooting in Massachussetts.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against the BRADY CAMPAIGN when a GUN BAN is on the line! HAHAHAHAHA!”
/Unquote:
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