Wife's emotional affair?

Twigg

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All I got is NSFW, no harm to the woman, but men of my generation would at the very least put the fear of God into the SOB involved. Or just dump her. If she cheats once, she'll do it again.
 

SHOCKNAWE

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The not so funny thing here is some of these guys posting here talking about how much of a nice arrangement they have with their wives ect ect are probably been a victim at one point and they don’t even know it. That’s the ugly part about it, the OP is actually fortunate to have found out, most people don’t until years later if ever.
 

NHCraigT

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Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but its over.

Even if she were really able to somehow completely cut ties with the current "flame"...

..... its just a matter of time until some one else is able to placate her insecure emotional "needs" and, you kinda know where that will eventually go to.

"Red flags are everywhere, and the handwriting is in the wall"
 
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zboys

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Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but its over.

Even if she were really able to somehow completely cut ties with the current "flame"...

..... its just a matter of time until some one else pushes her needy and insecure emotional buttons and, you kinda know where that will eventually go ....
That is so not true, many many people pull out of these situations and go on to a better relationship with each other
 

mibro

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The not so funny thing here is some of these guys posting here talking about how much of a nice arrangement they have with their wives ect ect are probably been a victim at one point and they don’t even know it. That’s the ugly part about it, the OP is actually fortunate to have found out, most people don’t until years later if ever.
So true. Married 31 years here and I don't think my wife has cheated on me but knowing what I know now about women I wouldn't bet my life on it. It's tough to stay on top of your game for half a lifetime and I certainly haven't.

That moment when you realize women aren't cute little fawns who need to be protected from the wolves in the forest, they ARE the wolves.
 

Buck F

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Sorry but I disagree and here's why using the example you outlined

If mom had taken the high road and gone to your dad and tried to work it out/made ultimatum and left cleanly/divorced because dad was as you put it insufferable then I would agree 100% with you

But according to above thats not what happened.......she betrayed him/broke his trust and stepped out on him.

Once trust is broken like that its pretty freakin rare/exceptional that that trust is restored........
There was no taking the high road with him. She was financially dependent on him, he lorded over her and was a dick, she was desperate and uninformed of her legal/financial realities, had zero knowledge of the family finances. She clearly wasn‘t as self-aware as you are. In a perfect world everyone would react appropriately all the time, it ain’t a perfect world. Divorces are rarely clean or as simple as you purport. We’re just going have to disagree on this. You can say she was more wrong that he was because she crossed the infidelity line. That relationship was f***ed and they both f***ed it, as is the case with just about every relationship that fails. Just because one doesn’t cheat (or the other does) doesn’t make one party 100% responsible for the end of the relationship.

<edit> That’s why MA & most States are no-fault divorce states, it just doesn’t matter why a marriage ends it matters that it’s unwound equitably and properly (which doesn’t I always happen but at least it’s the goal). You don’t pay more (or get less) because one party is right and the other is wrong. There’s no such thing and it doesn’t matter, you end it and move on.
 
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fencer

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The not so funny thing here is some of these guys posting here talking about how much of a nice arrangement they have with their wives ect ect are probably been a victim at one point and they don’t even know it. That’s the ugly part about it, the OP is actually fortunate to have found out, most people don’t until years later if ever.
[laugh][laugh][laugh][laugh]
You just called every NESr's wife a slut! Nicely done.. nicely done.
 
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Sorry, i dont agree with all the straight talk advice. Everyone i know who tried being honorable and honest with a dishonorable, dishonest person, just lost their shirts. Unfortunately, while they were composing their feelings and spilling their hearts, their soon to be exes were yesing them to death and planning every move with a lawyer. D-day arrives and theyre left holding roses when the wife is holding papers.
If it's not good, leave (but not like an emotional fool, do all the planning first).
 

C. Stockwell

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one trick i have heard of, do the "free initial consult" with every divorce lawyer in your town. Then when she tries to hire one of them, they will turn her down because of "conflict of interest"
They actually test on this on the MPRE, which is an ethics test administered to law students prior to taking the bar. This specific idea, going to all the divorce lawyers in town and consulting in order to create conflicts of interest between the lawyers and the wife, doesn't work. The husband has no intent of actually hiring the lawyer(s), so there's no attorney-client privilege.

...

There's three solutions I see here:

1) Divorce
2) 3-way, or at least spicing things up in the boudoir and keeping the relationship vibrant
3) Years of mistrust, acrimony, depression, and stagnation

 

jpk

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There was no taking the high road with him. She was financially dependent on him, he lorded over her and was a dick, she was desperate and uninformed of her legal/financial realities, had zero knowledge of the family finances. She clearly wasn‘t as self-aware as you are. In a perfect world everyone would react appropriately all the time, it ain’t a perfect world. Divorces are rarely clean or as simple as you purport. We’re just going have to disagree on this. You can say she was more wrong that he was because she crossed the infidelity line. That relationship was f***ed and they both f***ed it, as is the case with just about every relationship that fails. Just because one doesn’t cheat (or the other does) doesn’t make one party 100% responsible for the end of the relationship.

<edit> That’s why MA & most States are no-fault divorce states, it just doesn’t matter why a marriage ends it matters that it’s unwound equitably and properly (which doesn’t I always happen but at least it’s the goal). You don’t pay more (or get less) because one party is right and the other is wrong. There’s no such thing and it doesn’t matter, you end it and move on.
Everyone makes choices

We make choices to get into relationships, to STAY in relationships and to get OUT of relationships

Both of your parties made a choice to jump in and stay in every day forward

Your dad made a choice to be a dick and your mom chose to put up with it for what sounds like a long time

Doesnt change anything previously posted and yes.....there are lots and lots of relationships that end where one person is solely responsible
 

Buck F

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Everyone makes choices

We make choices to get into relationships, to STAY in relationships and to get OUT of relationships

Both of your parties made a choice to jump in and stay in every day forward
Thanks for making my point ;)
 

jpk

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Thanks for making my point ;)
Your assertion was that marriages going bad are never one sided.........and we know that is not true and a pile of people here will affirm that.......\

And even in the instances where there is some shared responsibility its overwhelmingly in favor of one person over the other.

My best friend practiced family law for 30 years before he passed and the shit he's seen/conveyed reaffirms all of the worst shit everyone hears/sees their friends/family go thru

While there are exceptions to the rule, men usually just want to get out/make the divorce final..........women have an axe to grind and will do some crazy effing shit to drag stuff out/dragging the ex thru the dirt

Men are from mars/women are from venus.....

We generally speaking get over shit and move on.......women never forget/forgive
 
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Don't confront her. Get your guns our of the house and transferred to your brother ASAP. Get your own checking account. Start looking for another apartment forget the house. If you have to no kids and your not waiting on a pension then your in good shape for the future, but probably not now. The money and house can all be replaced over time. As soon as possible YOU need to leave and start your life over again. Unless she was telling you that their were issues with the relationship and it was falling on deaf ears then its over. This can happen sometimes. Its easy to get wrapped up in other things and neglect your marriage. So unless their was some blatant red flag that you missed because you were going in ten different directions all at once, then its over. Either now or later its going to come to an end. Just my opinion and worth what you paid for it.
 
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You cant talk peace and prepare for war at the same time.

You either have to trust her and hope for the best or become the man she doesn't want to be married to- spying on her is gonna push you down that road fast, confronting her about it is going to throw her over the edge, and god knows what stupid recordings and shit will get dragged through a divorce/custody proceeding that makes her look like the victim.

You're the victim here so far bro and it's one of the few times you want to be.
 

Broccoli Iglesias

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NES is too quick to walk out and call a lawyer.

First, figure out what the problem is. No one here really knows you or your wife. Talk to someone, give that person all the details, how your wife talks to you, what she says ... an outsider with a clear mind might be able to give you some hints. I have seen this work with a friend and it could have worked with a second friend, except he took the advice and did the opposite.

Once you have a good idea, propose that you both go see a counselor. The key is to be open minded, dont think you made all the mistakes, but also dont throw it all at her.

second, if you decided divorce is the way to go, 1 month or 4 months won't make a difference. Start protecting yourself NOW. Only after you protected yourself, have a very calm, very relaxed conversation on a day that seems right about splitting things in half and walking out. No lawyers if possible. You need to be very reasonable and calm, at this point it is all business, no emotions. If you cant do that, maybe practice with a friend (not some idiot BRUH) until you can have a calm conversation.

A divorce can be as cheap as $150 to file the paperwork and the cost of selling the house. Or as expensive as thousands of dollars in fees and half of your 401K and salary gone.
 

drgrant

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The not so funny thing here is some of these guys posting here talking about how much of a nice arrangement they have with their wives ect ect are probably been a victim at one point and they don’t even know it. That’s the ugly part about it, the OP is actually fortunate to have found out, most people don’t until years later if ever.
Meh, whatever. If a guy is that oblivious then I have trouble feeling sorry for him. Either that or it's purposefully insignificant enough that it doesn't
matter. Hell sometimes both parties even know and they just put up with it because they're both smart enough to know that the D word is likely
going to destroy their entire family. (think about people who have been married a stupidly long time, as an example).

I'm not condoning the behavior but if you don't know at least one couple where there is or was occasional side-piece action going on then you probably
don't know a lot of people. I don't understand how some couples manage the fake marriage thing but the zombie lifestyle works I guess for
some. In some cases one or the other will go off the reservation and not make a habit of it, seeing that the grass is not exactly greener on the
other side. This behavior is not exclusive to women, either, hardly. (although I think its manifested differently with men).

I think some of it depends on the time, too. If a couple has been together for like 20+ years they're more likely to put up with more
bullshit from each other, there's a level of resiliency that's hard to explain. I have a couple in my extended family that broke up for awhile but
basically they'd been married since I was like 4. Their kids all went to college (and basically moved out) and then suddenly they put their marriage on a sort of 1-2 year hiatus
and magically somehow they're back together and not hating each other... all without involving divorce, attorneys and other bullshit. It takes a lot of
maturity to do something like that, though.

-Mike
 

Broccoli Iglesias

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Meh, whatever. If a guy is that oblivious then I have trouble feeling sorry for him. Either that or it's purposefully insignificant enough that it doesn't
matter. Hell sometimes both parties even know and they just put up with it because they're both smart enough to know that the D word is likely
going to destroy their entire family. (think about people who have been married a stupidly long time, as an example).

I'm not condoning the behavior but if you don't know at least one couple where there is or was occasional side-piece action going on then you probably
don't know a lot of people. I don't understand how some couples manage the fake marriage thing but the zombie lifestyle works I guess for
some. In some cases one or the other will go off the reservation and not make a habit of it, seeing that the grass is not exactly greener on the
other side. This behavior is not exclusive to women, either, hardly. (although I think its manifested differently with men).

I think some of it depends on the time, too. If a couple has been together for like 20+ years they're more likely to put up with more
bullshit from each other, there's a level of resiliency that's hard to explain. I have a couple in my extended family that broke up for awhile but
basically they'd been married since I was like 4. Their kids all went to college (and basically moved out) and then suddenly they put their marriage on a sort of 1-2 year hiatus
and magically somehow they're back together and not hating each other... all without involving divorce, attorneys and other bullshit. It takes a lot of
maturity to do something like that, though.

-Mike
My second cousin had enough of her husband. They still live together but sleep in separate rooms. They eat together, will go to events together. But sleep in separate bedrooms.

That is more common in Latin America than in the U.S. I even know people that split but never got divorced. She is not going after him and he is not going after her. When he dies she can get the benefits. It is a very common arrangement down there. I know ome guy here that did that, it worked for like 3 or 4 years until he started getting too emotional and she kicked him out.

OP, try to work something like that with her. Get it in writing. You can both be separated, have separate bank accounts, dont talk to each other, and agree you will not go after each others assets (list them all). You move out and she could probably even get your health insurance benefits. She could even keep the house and you agree to split it in half when sold or, one of you buys it from the other.
 
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Broccoli Iglesias

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Dropping the firearms at brothers within the hour, I'm planning on confronting her tonight to ask to look at phone and phone bill, if I get no for an answer I will be contacting a divorce attorney this week. this thread has been helpful
Thank you
Wrong aproach dude. Clear you head before acting.

I'm a very confrontational person and it took me a while to learn that. Acting on emotions is NEVER a good idea.
 

SHOCKNAWE

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[laugh][laugh][laugh][laugh]
You just called every NESr's wife a slut! Nicely done.. nicely done.
That wasn’t my intent, I would never disrespect anyone’s wife or family member. It’s just a point that I strongly believe in that cheating is always a possibility. I’ve cheated and been cheated on, lucky for me I don’t have any kids nor have I ever allowed my self to be emotionally dependent on a woman or cared enough to let it devestate me, when I got “Cheated” on we both checked out of the relationship without the red tape and officially done the break up thing at that point so it was not a big deal. I definitely admire people that can have long sustained relationships and the work it takes for both parties to keep it that way, I have friends that are happily married but I know one of them have strayed and the other doesn’t have a clue. I’m not saying that’s the norm by any stretch but the potential will always be there. The biggest problem I see is social media, it makes connections so easy without getting drunk and hitting a bar and bumping into a long lost love from years ago. Shit happens, relationships are very tough and can be quirky at times. I enjoy a relationship I just don’t ever “Go all in” with a Woman and leave myself no emotional “Outs”
 
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