Wife's emotional affair?

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one trick i have heard of, do the "free initial consult" with every divorce lawyer in your town. Then when she tries to hire one of them, they will turn her down because of "conflict of interest"
Hahaha great minds think alike...and apparently at the same time.
 
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Dropping the firearms at brothers within the hour, I'm planning on confronting her tonight to ask to look at phone and phone bill, if I get no for an answer I will be contacting a divorce attorney this week. this thread has been helpful
Thank you
Never been in this situation but have known plenty of others who have, that said I wouldn't confront her on anything(depending on those involved going forward you may come off as hostile). Hit up the lawyer and play nice not to tip your hand, same tactics employed by most of the ex wives I've known over the years. Most of the folks I've known were blindsided and spent all their money/time playing catch up while the spouse had their ducks all lined up for months prior to handing over divorce papers. One was actually handed his papers at their something teen counciling visit which made the whole visit "really awkward" since they were making headway according to the therapist.

Best of luck.
 

timbo

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Dropping the firearms at brothers within the hour, I'm planning on confronting her tonight to ask to look at phone and phone bill, if I get no for an answer I will be contacting a divorce attorney this week. this thread has been helpful
Thank you
My thoughts will be with you...I have never gone through a divorce (I've been married 39 years) but we have had a few rocky patches. Nothing that amounted to trust issues per se', but communication issues and unspoken expectations which are usually one and the same. My wife and I are both "loners" and don't mind being apart from each other but it is still a marriage between two people and we still have "the spark". We aren't the same people that fell in love in 1980...we change over time but we still see within each other what brought us together initially, and we trust each other implicitly.

It's a tough world out there...one of my daughters is divorced and it was a tough time for all of us. We tried to tell her that we saw things that gave us pause in her getting married to this person but as they say, "Love is blind". Two years later, it was over. She is a strong, independent young woman and he was essentially a single child mama's boy...the guy she is married to now is a great kid and very independent as well...everything her first husband wasn't. I haven't seen her this happy in years.

Hang in there...
 

Buck F

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Dropping the firearms at brothers within the hour, I'm planning on confronting her tonight to ask to look at phone and phone bill, if I get no for an answer I will be contacting a divorce attorney this week. this thread has been helpful
Thank you
Be very careful. Have an overnight bag packed in case you get no for an answer and then go stay at your brother's for the night. These situations can go sideways very quickly and it doesn't matter who says what or how it was said, it's how she says it happened. Do you have surveillance cameras in your house? Do it in a room with cameras in it if you do. Maybe go out to dinner and do it in a public place. Don't listen to the "abandonment" bullshit advice you may see here, staying a couple nights away doesn't constitute abandonment nor does it give away any of your rights.
 
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Maybe have a conversation with her and find out what you can do that keeps her from needing to go outside the marriage to find it. You say you work a lot. Do you really need to? What's your time like together when you aren't working? Relationships need to be maintained. And yeah, maybe this means you need couples counseling but maybe you just need to be more interested in her and her emotional needs.

I am NOT excusing her behaviour. When women bitch about their relationships with their husbands/boyfriends I always tell them they need to address the issues with that person, not their circle of girlfriends.

While this*is* good advice, I also know that without the structure and perspective taught in the 7p book above, I kept going after those sort of conversations.

It's not just about the conversations. It's about making sure neither person is fooling themselves. It's... Easy to fool yourself and be complacent.
 
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I wouldn't confront her at all. You know what you know already. Why push it. Pack a bag and stay at your brothers with your guns. Pack enough crap as you could be out of the house for a while before getting back in to get the rest of your stuff. And if and when you go back do not go back alone. Always have a witness to any and all interactions with her.
 

Super99Z

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I don't understand counseling at all. I couldn't imagine some stranger being able to say something to my wife that I couldn't. It doesn't make any sense in my mind, if you're at the point where you're looking for strangers on the street to save your relationship, its already over.
 
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I don't understand counseling at all. I couldn't imagine some stranger being able to say something to my wife that I couldn't. It doesn't make any sense in my mind, if you're at the point where you're looking for strangers on the street to save your relationship, its already over.
You sound like you might need to try it then. Counseling is a useful thing for people hitting rocky patches. I know after my brain injury, it wasn't directly relationship related, but I had intense anger problems, and a desire to cause some of the ol anarchy. Counselor got me figured out and on a good path fairly quickly. Otherwise it would have ruined my marriage, because it was already straining it.


Back to the OP, I think back to my first marriage and comparing it with my second. The big difference between the two is that in my second, we can talk this kind of shit through, which doesn't mean it would always be fixable, but we could discuss it, and move from there. Emotions are funny things, as you can see with all this MGTOW trash, it's the culmination of hurt and pain emotions increasing without any coping tools other than throwing in the towel on personal relationships, or falling for some weird PUA shit.


I think robjax might be on to something though, maybe some time apart might be helpful.
 

Super99Z

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You sound like you might need to try it then. Counseling is a useful thing for people hitting rocky patches. I know after my brain injury, it wasn't directly relationship related, but I had intense anger problems, and a desire to cause some of the ol anarchy. Counselor got me figured out and on a good path fairly quickly. Otherwise it would have ruined my marriage, because it was already straining it.
Glad it worked for you.
 

Dennis in MA

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Yes, couple's counseling.

And, here's a tip... if you have to seriously wonder if she's still secretly communicating with some guy, she is.
I am Mister Make It Work, but this. I’ve seen too many business relationships go this way. If there is doubt, there is no doubt. Sorry. :(
 
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jpk

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Yeah but it's also worth knowing that effort that consists of trying to put square pegs in round holes is eventually, at some point, a waste of time, for both people. People often
try to "make something work" that was never made to work to begin with (but either one or both of them was too blind to this) and the end result is a compromised piece of crap where both
parties are constantly in some sort of state of "lose".


-Mike
Yes, and I agree......there are lots of darwin awards relationships out there...... but thats really a different situation altogether......

We're talking about two people who had an amicable relationship for <insert significant period of time> rather than some relationship that was a knock down disaster from day one (square peg/round hole)
 

jpk

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Again, I disagree. Completely. I know many, many divorced couples and I can’t think of one where one side was completely blameless. My mother cheated on my father. My father was faithful and a good provider. On the surface, she was the bitch, he was the righteous one, end of story. He is also the biggest dick on the planet and I completely understand why, after getting married at 19, my mother eventually strayed in her mid 40’s. My father was insufferable when it happened, it was all her fault, he did nothing wrong. He was so completely clueless about who he was and what he brought to the marriage and ended up devastated when it ended (they tried to salvage it, it was beyond repair) Just because one goes to work every day and does all the “right things” doesn’t mean they’re emotionally available or even capable of being so. They may be wonderfully faithful but there’s a lot more to it than that. And frankly, anyone who’s that blindsided when it happens clearly isn’t in tune w their partner regardless of how well intentioned they may be. And some people/couples just can never figure it out, regardless how good or righteous they may be individually. It takes two in just about every case to f*** up a relationship, those who think it was entirely the other person’s fault are generally clueless about why it did not work out.

<edit> anyone who’s that blindsided when it happens either isn‘t in tune w their partner or has been going through the motions, regardless how well intentioned and righteous they may be.
Sorry but I disagree and here's why using the example you outlined

If mom had taken the high road and gone to your dad and tried to work it out/made ultimatum and left cleanly/divorced because dad was as you put it insufferable then I would agree 100% with you

But according to above thats not what happened.......she betrayed him/broke his trust and stepped out on him.

Once trust is broken like that its pretty freakin rare/exceptional that that trust is restored........
 

TheGreekFreak

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Go the gym. Get blood work done and see if you have low testosterone. Get a tattoo. A full f***ing sleeve tattoo. Spend more time out of the house with your buddies or get a hobby.

you don’t have to make a decision right now. You can let it sit for a while and work on yourself and see what happens. Increase your market value by improving yourself and she wil become jealous and wonder what you are up to.
Don’t bro g up this other dude anymore. If she does, cut her off and tell her you don’t really care.

talk to other women (you don’t have to bang them) and if she asks, say “she’s just a friend”

most important, go to the gym. Every relationship problem I ever had, every bad break up was solved by working out and improving myself.
f***ing yes.......this post wins. The gym cures all and clears all clouds of judgement.

Dropping the firearms at brothers within the hour, I'm planning on confronting her tonight to ask to look at phone and phone bill, if I get no for an answer I will be contacting a divorce attorney this week. this thread has been helpful
Thank you
Please don't......not the firearms or moving thing, just the phone stuff. Step back and look at yourself asking her to see her phone. Will you be satisfied for life if nothing is on it today?? What kind of solution is forced surveillance on someone you don't trust who should be your partner?

If you think you will attain happiness out of the optimal response from her in your book (yes) with the optimal results (nothing bad on the phone), I beg to differ. This parasite dude and her talking to him or whoever is not the problem......the state of your relationship is. Forget the NSA bullshit, sit down, and just be 100% honest like you are on here. Don't pull any jabs, say what you feel, and LISTEN to what she says. You should both come to the same conclusion after a real honest deep convo about your problems.

Also, don't make big decisions based on what us clowns tell you on NES lol including me. Some people (maybe even me?) really don't know what the hell they're talking about. Take these posts as food for thought but use your own judgement on where to go with this.

Best of luck man.
 

PennyPincher

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I don't understand counseling at all. I couldn't imagine some stranger being able to say something to my wife that I couldn't. It doesn't make any sense in my mind, if you're at the point where you're looking for strangers on the street to save your relationship, its already over.
not true. for the same reason people post here. many times hearing something from a disinterested 3rd party "carries more weight."
Example: my mother in law HAS to sell her house. Her husband died 2 weeks ago and her financial situation makes it essential that she sell ASAP. I can tell her, her sons can tell her. But until the "professionals" tell her (an attorney at her church and a RE agent), she is NOT going to accept it. Even then, it's 50/50 that she will face reality. (yes, I understand she is "mourning" but it's more than that)

The problem today is that so many couples DON'T really talk and they DON'T WORK on their problems. The "easy route" is to pack your shit and leave. (and yeah, I know divorce can be a bitch but easier than actually owning up to your own problems)
 
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Buck F

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Re: counseling. I have never been but know in 90% of cases you can save yourself a bunch of time by just writing a check to some crazy man hating moonbat and telling yourself everyday that you are an a**h*** and everything is your fault.

I don't understand counseling at all. I couldn't imagine some stranger being able to say something to my wife that I couldn't. It doesn't make any sense in my mind, if you're at the point where you're looking for strangers on the street to save your relationship, its already over.
Having done two stints in counseling (years apart) w my ex, I can tell you it would be less painful to dip a glass catheter in lemon juice, insert it in your pee hole and break it off.
 

Roland Deschain

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Another vote for:

Don't bother with her phone and trying to be a detective. You need to go fix YOURSELF, and it sounds like she does too. Maybe you both get your shit together and come back to explore what you had. Maybe not.

Two Halves don't make a Whole when it comes to human relationships.
 

Spanz

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Be very careful. Have an overnight bag packed in case you get no for an answer and then go stay at your brother's for the night. These situations can go sideways very quickly and it doesn't matter who says what or how it was said, it's how she says it happened. Do you have surveillance cameras in your house? Do it in a room with cameras in it if you do. Maybe go out to dinner and do it in a public place. Don't listen to the "abandonment" bullshit advice you may see here, staying a couple nights away doesn't constitute abandonment nor does it give away any of your rights.
i have heard the opposite, that if you are divorcing do NOT move out...it can look like abandonment during the divorce. AND you might have trouble moving back in. Ideally is she wants a divorce, have HER move out.
 
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i have heard the opposite, that if you are divorcing do NOT move out...it can look like abandonment during the divorce. AND you might have trouble moving back in. Ideally is she wants a divorce, have HER move out.
All she has to do is denounce you and you will have minutes, not hours, to clear out.

I would suggest transferring (eFA10) 4 of your most prized guns to a friend who can be trusted to eFA10 them back to you once the storm has passed. Document transfer to another owner is the only real way to "unown" a gun for the purposes of denouncement based confiscation. "Unpossessing" the gun is not enough.
 

Buck F

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i have heard the opposite, that if you are divorcing do NOT move out...it can look like abandonment during the divorce. AND you might have trouble moving back in. Ideally is she wants a divorce, have HER move out.
Thats a myth, kinda like Glocks are illegal in MA. Plus if she asks you to leave you pretty much better do it anyway.

In a divorce the courts care about three things: 1. Equitable split of assets 2. Child support (which doesn’t seem to be a factor here) 3. Child custody/visitation which again doesn’t appear to be an issue here. Since he mentioned she has a good job, alimony likely won’t be a factor either (and that’s not usually a factor in MA unless one’s income is over $250K)

Insofar as equitable split of marital assets, it doesn’t matter who’s at fault, if one cheated, or one abandoned, it won’t factor into who gets what. Short of abuse/criminality, the courts don’t want to hear about fault, they just want to split things up properly. Trying to stay in the home to try and avoid being tagged w abandonment will cause infinitely more problems than leaving the home.
 

fencer

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I guess I am old fashioned. Before we ever got married, I told my bride to be, " If you are ever unhappy, just tell me and we will call it quits, like adults" " But if you ever cheat on me, everybody dies. He dies, you die and I am probably gonna die in an armed stand off. The kids will grow up with no parents and be a total mess."
Without missing a beat my wife replied " What if it's with a chick?" I said " I am sure we can work something out."

Sorry you are in this spot and I truly hope it works out for you. The reality is that half of all marriages end in divorce these days. And a fair amount of those that last are less than perfect.
 

Super99Z

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not true. for the same reason people post here. many times hearing something from a disinterested 3rd party "carries more weight."
Example: my mother in law HAS to sell her house. Her husband died 2 weeks ago and her financial situation makes it essential that she sell ASAP. I can tell her, her sons can tell her. But until the "professionals" tell her (an attorney at her church and a RE agent), she is NOT going to accept it. Even then, it's 50/50 that she will face reality. (yes, I understand she is "mourning" but it's more than that)

The problem today is that so many couples DON'T really talk and they DON'T WORK on their problems. The "easy route" is to pack your shit and leave. (and yeah, I know divorce can be a bitch but easier than actually owning up to your own problems)
You're first part has nothing to do with counseling and the 2nd part is making my point. If the couple doesn't know how to talk to each other, a stranger won't fix that.
 

Roland Deschain

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I guess I am old fashioned. Before we ever got married, I told my bride to be, " If you are ever unhappy, just tell me and we will call it quits, like adults" " But if you ever cheat on me, everybody dies. He dies, you die and I am probably gonna die in an armed stand off. The kids will grow up with no parents and be a total mess."
Without missing a beat my wife replied " What if it's with a chick?" I said " I am sure we can work something out."

Sorry you are in this spot and I truly hope it works out for you. The reality is that half of all marriages end in divorce these days. And a fair amount of those that last are less than perfect.
Not all heroes wear capes 😍😍😍
 
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I guess I am old fashioned. Before we ever got married, I told my bride to be, " If you are ever unhappy, just tell me and we will call it quits, like adults" " But if you ever cheat on me, everybody dies. He dies, you die and I am probably gonna die in an armed stand off. The kids will grow up with no parents and be a total mess."
Without missing a beat my wife replied " What if it's with a chick?" I said " I am sure we can work something out."

Sorry you are in this spot and I truly hope it works out for you. The reality is that half of all marriages end in divorce these days. And a fair amount of those that last are less than perfect.

My wife an I have the same understanding......mostly......nobody dies if she cheats on me. She knows that if I were ever to find out she stepped out or even walked in on her with some other dude I would put a smile on my face, shake is hand and congratulate them on their future.

I will not do one second of time in cuffs or otherwise because someone doesn't respect themselves enough to be honest.

I'll pack my guns, trains, fishing gear and clothes and I would be gone.

She knows it. Fortunately we are both very honest people. I have no worries at all that I will ever be in that situation.

But if I were you will find me in the Florida Keys fishing. lol
 
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Roadglide

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Sorry to say it but you need to cut bait. Relationships are built on trust. Once you violate that trust the toothpaste ain’t going back in the tube. Time to move to on
 
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