Wife's emotional affair?

omega42

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Hey,

I so recently discovered my wife having an emotional affair just before it got physical. We both agreed to stay in the marriage and try to work things out. Everything seems to be going good but I still have doubts weather or not she is still talking to this guy. She promised she would not see or talk to him. Im looking for the best way to find proof if it's truly over without outright asking her. I don't know her iPad/ phone passcode and she holds the login in info to our phone account. Any suggestions appreciated other than just f---Ing leave her.
Thanks
B
I know it's not what you want to hear, but just f'n leave. All the signs are there and it will not get better.
 

brain_8972

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I know it's not what you want to hear, but just f'n leave. All the signs are there and it will not get better.
I agree. Similar situation happened to me with a serious GF. I don't have evidence it got physical other than a kiss, but we agreed to try and work it out. Made it two years and it was hell, the trust never came back for me.
 

mibro

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shes not stepping out because I'm working, she stepping out because for a while we let the relationship fall asleep and didn't put the work in. I asked her if it was due to working a lot she said no only that it made it easier.
Reading between the lines, no kids, which is going to save you some money. She is super bored, women thrive on drama and there is none, so she's creating it.

I guess the thing I don't understand is why someone I supported through serious health issues over many years and admittedly says she stills loves me and wants to work it out would play this game, I offered to buy her out of our house and let her go and she said no, why not just leave if your were planning to continue to lie " if she still is"
Yes, but what have you done for me lately? This is how women are. I've recently seen my black-hearted MIL abandon her second husband of 40+ years because he was dying in a very boring way (to her) and she had a sort of reasonable excuse - complicated family situation.

No he wasn't but she makes plenty of money and I would given her a sizable chunk of cash to get the house in my name why not just say ok and look for a condo or something whyontinue the lie like oh I love you I'll fix this I'm sorry why would someone me do it that? If it was me if I wanted out I would be like I want out peace
Yes, but you're a man and she's a woman. The good news is it sounds like dirtbag has not made any kind of commitment to her, which means that if you find your balls and move out, or preferably kick her out of your shared house, you might suddenly find yourself in control of the situation. Women are branch swingers, picture a monkey swinging through the trees, branch to branch, except the branches are men. A monkey doesn't let go of one branch until she has a firm grip on the next so she doesn't fall to the ground. If you kick her out she is going to try and firmly grasp the next branch and will probably find out that branch is not that interested after all.

I agree this whole situation make me feel like a weakling
Don' be too hard on yourself. You have women's nature, our slut-tastic culture and the law all lined up against you.

I think you can pretty quickly feel like a man again if you take control of the situation. A 40 year old man with a job and money has a ton of options if he's in good physical shape.

Cupcake doesn't realize her attractiveness is a small fraction of what it was ten years ago. Most single 40 year old women have limited options.

So, give her some drama. Whatever you do, don't roll over and allow this to continue.
 
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That book was, and a consuler who used it was worth it for me and others I know.

I started through it with my Ex in therapy. She tanked hard on it. Bailed on therapy before chapter 4.

Completely unrelated, my now wife also had that book tossed to her in her own divorce saga.

We decided to go through it together while dating. Ended up doing quite a bit for us.

While also keeping us together (we survived a long distance relationship bit and lots of travel for me) it also did something unexpected for me. I got to really figure out why my first marriage completely failed.

Having closure was important for me. The understanding made me finally give up on the guilt. Codependence is a bitch.
 

Buck F

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There's a good protip in here WRT warning signs/shit testing.... if the woman you're now dating was previously married or in some major relationship (eg, maybe had a kid etc) and constantly talks about the drama/bullshit from her previous marriage and so on, all the time.... it's time to cue up.....


If that woman isn't trying to (within reason) insulate you from the bullshit in her previous life then she does not care and doesn't respect you.

Good women (or guys for that matter) try to move on from whatever their past mistakes were regardless of whose fault it is. The bad ones go full rototiller and want you to smell the cow turds that should have been buried in the field a long time ago.

-Mike
Amen. It took her to make me realize this wisdom. In fairness, she was a smoking hot and I was on the rebound. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
 

Spanz

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after having read this thread again....a couple observations:
it is not yet a fact that she has checked out...she might honestly have flirted with this guy, got scared, confessed to you, and honestly DOES want to try to save the marriage. Hard to tell without you having some information on if she has told you the WHOLE truth, or just trickle truthed you the easy to digest details, but kept the bad stuff a secret. That is why i suggested some evidence digging.

Someone said to trust your gut, and usually that is good advice. But sometimes your gut can lie, so once a gain you have to try to get some proof one way or the other.

IF you try to reconcile, she has to go completely NO CONTACT. not a phone call, not one text...if she works where this guy is, she needs to move to a new job. She needs to put in some heavy lifting to prove she wants you for real.

But she was bored, or something...that started this all. YOU have to work on spicing up her life a little. There IS a book "The Five Love Languages" that help a couple to communicate their needs better. maybe you buy two copies, and both read it.

A PI is a good idea if you see any evidence she might be making this physical, but keep it very quiet...do not do anything that makes her think she needs to hide her communications, or it makes your evidence finding much harder

Good luck. It is not clear to me, at this point in the thread, which way i would go.
 

Maddawg1952

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Sometimes I truly feel that there are different kinds of wives, Pretty sure I had a starter wife and a mid-term wife already, not too sure I'm actually looking for a keeper wife at this point. I'm pretty sure after 2 divorces that 75+% of the problem was me and my work schedule.
 

Spanz

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Sometimes I truly feel that there are different kinds of wives, Pretty sure I had a starter wife and a mid-term wife already, not too sure I'm actually looking for a keeper wife at this point. I'm pretty sure after 2 divorces that 75+% of the problem was me and my work schedule.
to be honest, a lot of times we are predisposed to hook up with the same type of woman...over and over. So it marriage one was a divorce, and marriage two was a divorce...may be you are just attracted to the wrong type of woman.
 

namedpipes

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...
Yes, but what have you done for me lately? This is how women are. I've recently seen my black-hearted MIL abandon her second husband of 40+ years because he was dying in a very boring way (to her) and she had a sort of reasonable excuse - complicated family situation.
...
MOTHER IN LAW
WMOTHER IN LA
WOMTHER IN LA
WOMATHER IN L
WOMAN THER I L
WOMAN HTER I L
WOMAN HITER L
WOMAN HITLER


My MIL (may her soul if she ever had one burn in Hell) was a shining example.
 

A.K.

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Hey,

I so recently discovered my wife having an emotional affair just before it got physical. We both agreed to stay in the marriage and try to work things out. Everything seems to be going good but I still have doubts weather or not she is still talking to this guy. She promised she would not see or talk to him. Im looking for the best way to find proof if it's truly over without outright asking her. I don't know her iPad/ phone passcode and she holds the login in info to our phone account. Any suggestions appreciated other than just f---Ing leave her.
Thanks
B
You can glue back together the cup broken into small pieces. It will even look beautiful. But would you pour hot tee into it?
 

Maddawg1952

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to be honest, a lot of times we are predisposed to hook up with the same type of woman...over and over. So it marriage one was a divorce, and marriage two was a divorce...may be you are just attracted to the wrong type of woman.
Maybe, but Starter wife and mid life wife were 2 completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Couldn't have been any more differant from each other if I tried and MAN did I try!
 

SHOCKNAWE

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This thread got me thinking how most men I know are really pathetic when it comes to Woman and relationships, really it’s ridiculous that most men I know complain of never getting sex and begging their wife for friggen $20 or “Permission” to do anything. Sure Woman need to be treated with respect and treated well, help with cooking and cleaning ect pampered when needed but if there is any other man even thought of being in the picture then it’s time to walk, and as far as anyone suggesting this guy “Talks” to this other dude your out of your mind, the only way another man responds to creeping around your girl is a threat of physical violence, period end of story.
 
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You came here instead of having a conversation with her - you are also emotionally checking out.
If you want to make it work, sit her down and tell her that you need her to be accountable to you to repair the trust. Then set a time table with literal biweekly meetings to go over progress - no blame games, if someone was slighted then they offer up what it was and their idea of a solution would be.
But you both need to act like responsible adults for any plan to work - not easy when emotions and revenge have been the central response for years.
 

MarlboroughMan

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Pro Tip:

It IS you. You're in this.

Now for tough love... you sound like a weakling. Emotionally at least. Your posts here make me think you are weak. There was a legend here that said What you tolerate, you validate. What have you done to show her this won't be tolerated? Words won't do it. Action will.
I agree with this... and I'd start by saying, "if you want to stay in this relationship I want to see your phone now and I want your password (and since I have nothing to hide you can have mine of course)." If she won't give up her phone immediately and her password she still has something to hide (obviously) and moving on should be a no-brainer. After discovering an affair (emotional or physical) it shouldn't be viewed as unreasonable or invasive that you both agree to open your phones and passwords so that you can start to re-establish some trust. Also, if I were you, particularly if kids are involved I'd do a consult with a lawyer. Use the fact that you found out about this situation to take some serious steps to either repair the relationship (and to protect yourself) or put it behind you and start taking the upper hand instead of letting her dictate how things are going to play out.
 

Junior314

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There are two ways to look at this.

A) Your interested in proving any suspicions correct in that she is continuing to do whatever it is she is doing behind your back. If that is the case snoop for passwords and internet history, confront the guy and the myriad of other things some have suggested on here.

B) Your interested in saving the marriage and making it work. You mentioned the fact that you work your ass off gave her (in her mind) a reason and opportunity to step out on you emotionally. Do you think you work too much? Is it to provide her with an unrealistic lifestyle etc? Scale back on the work, get a counselor and talk about it. If during this you still don't feel that she can't be trusted that is your gut telling you its made up its mind.

Ultimately there isn't much you can control to prevent another person from doing what they want to do.

Edit: I would also be seeking some bar stool therapy with a good buddy this weekend to blow off some steam.
 

fencer

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Jeezum crow! WTF kind of relationship do some of you people put up with?

Phone passwords: We both know each others. Not because we are snooping, because sometimes it's helpful. Wife is making dinner/ busy. Gets a text from her sister/ friend etc. " Hey, can you text her back?" My text back reads, "Hey, it's Fencer on Mrs. Fencer's phone, she said dinner is at 4 and its cool to arrive any time after 1:00 - see you then!"

Find my friends app. It's not about snooping. It's about safety and convenience when you have a family. It started with the kids. " Hey parents can I go to blah blah event" "Yeah sure, but make sure you are still sharing your location on your iPhone" - "No problem Dad"
My wife ASKED me to add her. My kid is waiting after practice for someone to pick them up. They check our location before calling to see what makes sense. A while back, my wife was taking one of the kids to a summer program at a local college and her 5 year old battery died. She had no idea how to tell me where she was, but she didn't have too.
And she checks my location all of the time. Just yesterday I got a text. Hey, I see you are still at Lowes, can you grab a new set of hoses for the washer?

If all of a sudden one of us changed passwords or started blocking locations I would be like WTF.

There can't be any secrets. I am not playing that game. Ever. My wife walks into the room and I am on my laptop. " Are you working or watching porn?" "My pants are on and I am typing" 30 minutes later... " Hey I am done working.. c'mere" :)

I have been married a long time. And am still crazy about my wife. Trust has never been an issue. Marriage is not the big mystery people make it out to be. It is very simple.
You know what your wife likes and appreciates. Try to do that more.
You know what she dislikes and pisses her off. Try to do that less.

If you are both legitimately trying and you still have issues. Leave.

OP. If you and your wife are not willing to share every password, location and all the rest, you still have issues. Just leave. If not, some morning you are going to be standing in front of the toilet wondering what that burning sensation is when you take a piss.
 
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PennyPincher

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Maybe have a conversation with her and find out what you can do that keeps her from needing to go outside the marriage to find it. You say you work a lot. Do you really need to? What's your time like together when you aren't working? Relationships need to be maintained. And yeah, maybe this means you need couples counseling but maybe you just need to be more interested in her and her emotional needs.

I am NOT excusing her behaviour. When women bitch about their relationships with their husbands/boyfriends I always tell them they need to address the issues with that person, not their circle of girlfriends.
 

TheGreekFreak

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Emotional affair? That is some class A girl horseshit. She sounds like she's hedging with some slimey dbag who can only get girls by playing the shoulder to cry on guy. Still, not his fault, you can't control what the world will throw at you by chasing away every threat to your relationship.

Before you were married, were you clear with what you would and would not tolerate or were you "yes honey" glazy eyes guy? Not piling on you OP but it amazes me what some of my now married friends would tolerate in a relationship before blindly jumping into marriage. Years later, I think to myself "wtf happened??" when I see a drained shell of the guy I used to know who is now 100% emotionally dependant on his wife.

You keep trying to think from her perspective.....screw that. Her perspective was that it is ok to talk to some dude behind your back. You need to be honest with yourself with what YOU will or will not tolerate. If she can't come on board with that, you have some decisions to make....

Checking phones, talking to said slimey dbag, tracking her......all that stuff is silly. You're trying to control symptoms without addressing the actual problems. Stop ignoring it like it will magically go away and hash out the issues. There are 3 possible outcomes: things stay as they are, things get better with you together, or it ends. Prepare yourself for all 3 and build a strong enough emotional foundation to be ok with the result knowing you did what was best for YOU.....the sooner you get the answer, the better.

Best of luck OP, wish you health and happiness.
 

Buck F

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There's a good protip in here WRT warning signs/shit testing.... if the woman you're now dating was previously married or in some major relationship (eg, maybe had a kid etc) and constantly talks about the drama/bullshit from her previous marriage and so on, all the time.... it's time to cue up.....
-Mike
The same goes for the guy, if he’s constantly going on about the drama/bullshit from the ex.

I know plenty of men and women who fit this description and they invariably blame the other party for the breakup. Or parents/siblings of someone who split who think their beloved didn’t contribute in any way to the breakup.

This has to be one of the most fascinating threads I have seen on NES. It took a lot of guts for the OP to put himself out there like this and own it. I don’t have the answers for you bud, I wish I did, but I wish you the best.
 

Buck F

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I'd end it then. The relationship has terminal cancer. You can go through chemo and string it out with a lot of setbacks and pain, or pull the plug now.
You can glue back together the cup broken into small pieces. It will even look beautiful. But would you pour hot tee into it?
Both very good analogies. Having recently been through Chemo I can tell you that if survive it, there will be permanent damage afterwards. Surviving cancer will also make you stronger on some level. I’d definitely rather have avoided it though.

I’m not very good at gluing things together and not a tea drinker but that Flex Seal shit will probably make it watertight anyway...
 

Radtekk

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I read the first 50 or so posts but no mas, time to reply... First, as has been said ad nauseum, cheating is cheating. Emotional or physical, doesn't matter which, the betrayal of trust, vows, respect etc is the same. She did it once, odds are that no matter how much she apologies or you forgive she'll do it again and/or you'll always be looking over your shoulder. The odds that you'll get back to the "before time" are vanishingly small. I have no doubt that's POSSIBLE, but I think it's highly unlikely.

Second, divorce sucks. It's painful, expensive, emotionally draining, soul-crushingly disheartening, and never, ever pleasant. It may well be the only alternative, worth it in the end, a pathway to sanity and mental health, etc, but the process itself sucks, and sucks HARD. Giving up what little control you have and baring your soul, finances, beliefs, religion, and everything else you thought was private to people who really don't GAF about you personally is the most depressing thing you will ever experience. I'm a pretty average guy, making decent money, my failed marriage and subsequent divorce cost me upwards of $250k in lawyers, lost work, expenses, lost equity etc. I'll NEVER be able to retire.

Third, kids... I got lucky. My ex was so incredibly f***ed up that despite being in MA and objecting, I got full physical custody of both our daughters. Long, looooong story for another time, but I treated the whole thing like a marathon not a sprint. My younger daughter is actually transferring to University of Tennessee from SNHU because she wants to be closer to her parents, as she refers to Lady Radtekk and I. Your kids, if you have them, are your legacy, NOT your failed relationship with your ex. And it HAS failed.

Last, what's next, and who. Who and what you wanted in a partner several years ago will be different than what you want today. And will also be different 10 years from now. Be honest with yourself. Make a list of the things you REALLY want in a partner (NOT your current one) and set that as a goal. I bet "current wife" isn't stacking up, and that if she made her own list neither would you. The old saw "Men marry women and want them to stay the same but they change, and women marry men and want them to change but they don't" is pretty accurate. Both will evolve some over time, people tend to settle into patterns. But be realistic. Marry who you want and for the right reasons, but be prepared for them to change over time and be willing to accept it.

Bottom line? Don't settle. Let me be perfectly, CRYSTAL clear. DON'T f***ING SETTLE. Life is NOT a dress rehearsal. You don't get a do-over or "bonus lives" for reaching "goals". For whatever reason, no judging, you're not "doing it" for her. Why, oh WHY on God's green earth would you want to stick around with somebody that isn't happy? IDGAF about her happiness, but if she's not happy neither will you be. And if you become somebody you don't want to be to make HER happy, YOU won't be. Don't change yourself for her, change her for somebody else better FOR YOU.

Ask this question: "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" The answer will tell you what to do next.
 
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Been reading this thread with interest. Some good advice herein, and a little maybe not so much IMNSHO. Also, we only have one side here, so any advice will be biased.

OP, here's my 2 cents. It's free advice, and probably worth what you're paying for it. I do have some experience with broken trust in marriage.

What you're feeling is normal. Trust has been broken. It doesn't get magically restored overnight. It takes time and effort by both parties to rebuild. It won't happen as quickly as you want it to. Is your wife willing to take steps to be more trust-worthy, be it couples counselling, complete access to her devices (maybe even tracking and/or accountability software), dedicated time with you? Is she willing to deal with her issues that caused her to have the affair? Are you willing to take similar steps (ex. device access, counselling, dedicated time)? Are you willing to trust her, if you see change, eventually? Are both of you willing to be patient? If the answer to these questions is yes, then stay and work at it, if no, then run, don't walk.

As far as snooping, I wouldn't go the PI route (yet?). IMNSHO it's not necessary and just breeds distrust. Do ask for complete transparency. Be willing to do the same. If you're not getting (and giving it), see the last sentence above.

I would address my work schedule if at all possible. She say's it wasn't the problem, but she may not know what the underlying issues are on her end, and I can't imagine it helps. At least find ways to stay connected when working. Be man enough to be "that guy" who talks to his wife/GF during work hours. Not clingy like, but connecting is good.

Good luck. Will be praying for you.
 

Varmint

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A long time ago my wife and I got the advice to speak to each other 15 minutes per day. No electronics, no distractions.

And when we do this, things are great. So before you head for the door, try it.
I'll have to try that, I'll tell my wife "hon, let's limit the talking to 15 min per day".
 
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