Wife's emotional affair?

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No he wasn't but she makes plenty of money and I would given her a sizable chunk of cash to get the house in my name why not just say ok and look for a condo or something whyontinue the lie like oh I love you I'll fix this I'm sorry why would someone me do it that? If it was me if I wanted out I would be like I want out peace
Women, in general, will not leave a relationship unless they have a sure thing lined up or are being severely physically abused. Obviously there will be outliers, and this doesn't apply to casual dating type relationships.

Eta: This is a fact that I have heard from my wife who has her masters in somatic psychology and her sister who has her doctorate in clinical psychology.
 
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Roland Deschain

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If it was me if I wanted out I would be like I want out peace
Pro Tip:

It IS you. You're in this.

Now for tough love... you sound like a weakling. Emotionally at least. Your posts here make me think you are weak. There was a legend here that said What you tolerate, you validate. What have you done to show her this won't be tolerated? Words won't do it. Action will.
 

jpk

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Its also time to run the old credit report and see what wifey may have run up in credit cards that you may not be aware of.......if there is undisclosed debt then that will help demonstrate that the trust is gone and help bolster your case wrt the courts
 

namedpipes

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Buck F

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That is not a true statement.......it only takes one person to f*** up a relationship
I disagree. In any event, if two people are in a marriage and it ends, it’s over, doesn’t really matter who’s at fault. Yes, I know there are some outlying situations where one side is perfect and the other is a complete degenerate but in most cases there’s plenty of blame to go around.

About a year after my divorce I got involved w a woman, we fell really hard for each other. Her ex was the complete douche, didn’t work after getting laid off, payed virtually no child support (when he paid any), total dick when it came to visitation (of course she never gave an inch either). Took me a while to figure out just how insane she was. She was the “aggrieved“ party, her friends/family constantly shit on the ex (including in front of her kids) and he certainly deserved being shitting upon, but after a while I realized how incapable she was of being in a mature relationship, how impossible it must have been for anyone to endure her for any length of time. On the surface, most people would say he’s the one who was responsible, she was the righteous one. That is rarely the case.
 

Shark_Cage

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Check computer history. Demand to see her phone unlocked. If she puts up a stink she is still doing it.

Is she on Ashley Madison?
A private detective will cost but will help.
Set up a plan b and get ready to move money
 

jpk

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I disagree. In any event, if two people are in a marriage and it ends, it’s over, doesn’t really matter who’s at fault. Yes, I know there are some outlying situations where one side is perfect and the other is a complete degenerate but in most cases there’s plenty of blame to go around.
There are lots and lots and lots of relationships that have ended because one person is solely responsible for ending it.

It takes two people making an effort to keep things going

Most relationships end because one party stops making an effort......
 

desertr8der

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Sorry to hear of your troubles. Counseling is the way if you really want to stay in on it. More power to you if you can manage it. I however could not. If she has the willpower to destroy everything, ( you included) she's not much use as a partner. Once the trust is gone no matter what you may have built, It's gone for good in my eyes. Good luck either way. Hope you figure things out.
 

Buck F

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There are lots and lots and lots of relationships that have ended because one person is solely responsible for ending it.

It takes two people making an effort to keep things going

Most relationships end because one party stops making an effort......
Again, I disagree. Completely. I know many, many divorced couples and I can’t think of one where one side was completely blameless. My mother cheated on my father. My father was faithful and a good provider. On the surface, she was the bitch, he was the righteous one, end of story. He is also the biggest dick on the planet and I completely understand why, after getting married at 19, my mother eventually strayed in her mid 40’s. My father was insufferable when it happened, it was all her fault, he did nothing wrong. He was so completely clueless about who he was and what he brought to the marriage and ended up devastated when it ended (they tried to salvage it, it was beyond repair) Just because one goes to work every day and does all the “right things” doesn’t mean they’re emotionally available or even capable of being so. They may be wonderfully faithful but there’s a lot more to it than that. And frankly, anyone who’s that blindsided when it happens clearly isn’t in tune w their partner regardless of how well intentioned they may be. And some people/couples just can never figure it out, regardless how good or righteous they may be individually. It takes two in just about every case to f*** up a relationship, those who think it was entirely the other person’s fault are generally clueless about why it did not work out.

<edit> anyone who’s that blindsided when it happens either isn‘t in tune w their partner or has been going through the motions, regardless how well intentioned and righteous they may be.
 
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Pro Tip:

It IS you. You're in this.

Now for tough love... you sound like a weakling. Emotionally at least. Your posts here make me think you are weak. There was a legend here that said What you tolerate, you validate. What have you done to show her this won't be tolerated? Words won't do it. Action will.
I agree this whole situation make me feel like a weakling
 
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Had a cousin go through this. He hired a PI and knew within a week what was happening with his wife. He found a female divorce lawyer who was a bulldog. At one of the hearings he went to, his now ex-wife said to the judge that he had guns and that she was afraid. When the judge asked her if he had ever threatened her with a gun and she replied no, the judge said it a non-issue (yes, this was in MA). They ended up splitting everything 50-50 although he was awarded the downpayment ($90K) that he used from his own money to buy their house because they were married less than 5 years. The other thing that he did was to buy her out from getting any of his pension.
 

Buck F

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I agree this whole situation make me feel like a weakling
Dude, it’s ok. The fact that you can admit/understand that is half the battle. There is no playbook for this.

As @independent said earlier:
“Do not panic. Do not make any major decisions right now. Gather information. Educate your self. It will be important for you to get enough rest and proper diet.
You are in for a ride but you can make it out the other side!
You will be in my prayers.”
 
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at this point you need to protect yourself from a 209A and your guns from being confiscated.

Others have said it already. talk to a 2A attorney.

You can believe you will work it out. I could be wrong but I doubt I am, but it is already over.

Do not spy on her. Do not seek to talk to the other dude. that only makes you look bad and paranoid.

Get your money out of the bank and hide it good. Do not put it in a bank. Get your guns to a friend's place for safe keeping.

Hopefully that friend you think you can trust with your guns isn't the dude banging your wife.

Don't drag to out. Just move out quick and be gone. Do not text her or e-mail her. Any communications you have with her need to go through your attorney.

If she texts you or e-mails you do not respond. Forward all electronic communications from her to your attorney.

Do not tweet about her. Do not answer any questions about her to anyone. Look what happened to Antonio Brown. If he stayed off the social media he would probably still be playing for the Pats.

You already lost her. Do not lose your guns in the process.
 

Buck F

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at this point you need to protect yourself from a 209A and your guns from being confiscated.

Others have said it already. talk to a 2A attorney.

You can believe you will work it out. I could be wrong but I doubt I am, but it is already over.

Do not spy on her. Do not seek to talk to the other dude. that only makes you look bad and paranoid.

Get your money out of the bank and hide it good. Do not put it in a bank. Get your guns to a friend's place for safe keeping.

Hopefully that friend you think you can trust with your guns isn't the dude banging your wife.

Don't drag to out. Just move out quick and be gone. Do not text her or e-mail her. Any communications you have with her need to go through your attorney.

If she texts you or e-mails you do not respond. Forward all electronic communications from her to your attorney.

Do not tweet about her. Do not answer any questions about her to anyone. Look what happened to Antonio Brown. If he stayed off the social media he would probably still be playing for the Pats.

You already lost her. Do not lose your guns in the process.
Not agreeing or disagreeing w this in its entirety but definitely definitely protect yourself. Keep your wits about you, try as best you can not to let your emotions get to you (easy for me to say, I know). Don’t put yourself in situations she may take advantage of. Document (retain) all electronic conversations and think very hard about what you write before you hit send. Do not not not send her your feelings in written electronic format. Get your finances in order, if either of you files it puts a freeze on all financial assets/transactions, make sure you‘re prepared for this even if it means opening your own checking account and getting your own credit card if you don’t already have one. Do not get in to arguments about material posessione, particularly those of sentimental versus financial value. Consult an attorney, even if you decide to try and work things out.
 

Varmint

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I disagree. In any event, if two people are in a marriage and it ends, it’s over, doesn’t really matter who’s at fault. Yes, I know there are some outlying situations where one side is perfect and the other is a complete degenerate but in most cases there’s plenty of blame to go around.

About a year after my divorce I got involved w a woman, we fell really hard for each other. Her ex was the complete douche, didn’t work after getting laid off, payed virtually no child support (when he paid any), total dick when it came to visitation (of course she never gave an inch either). Took me a while to figure out just how insane she was. She was the “aggrieved“ party, her friends/family constantly shit on the ex (including in front of her kids) and he certainly deserved being shitting upon, but after a while I realized how incapable she was of being in a mature relationship, how impossible it must have been for anyone to endure her for any length of time. On the surface, most people would say he’s the one who was responsible, she was the righteous one. That is rarely the case.
Hey, you dated my mom? Da fuk?
 

mannydog

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Sorry for your troubles. Been through it myself. There has been some good insight from others here for you to consider.

My thoughts are just my own personal experience but I'll pass them along anyways, brother.

When my shit was going on, a real good friend offered some advice and he nailed it. To get to it: Assume that she's already gone. She might be hedging her bets and leading you to believe that maybe you'll reconcile only to buy herself some time while working through her own feelings. Fact is, you've been betrayed so approach it with that in the front of your mind. Most importantly, know that no matter how bad or dark or full of suck things get, if you hang in there and don't hurt your own self with excessive alcohol or pills or other self-destructive action, you will be fine. It might really suck, but no matter what, no matter what the f**k, you'll be fine, don't lose sight of that.

Best regards.
 

deerdad

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Yes, it does take two. No matter what, you'll always wonder what you could have done different and would it have really made any difference. My regret was wanting to keep trying when I should have called it quits. 5 or 6 affairs and one abortion from he flings should have sent me a clear message that it wasn't worth trying any more but I was stupid. (maybe I didn't want to be alone) No matter what, it does get easier and hurt does go away. I got lucky with the kids already grown and she just wanted to get out and move in with Mr Wonderful so she signed the court papers stating she was giving up any present or future monies I earn. Counseling alone can't do it. It has to be both people willing to try.
 

Varmint

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I


yes I kn


shes not stepping out because I'm working, she stepping out because for a while we let the relationship fall asleep and didn't put the work in. I asked her if it was due to working a lot she said no only that it made it easier.
I'd end it then. The relationship has terminal cancer. You can go through chemo and string it out with a lot of setbacks and pain, or pull the plug now. You obviously don't have kids or you'd have mentioned them. She has a good job so she'll be fine. Or wait til you're both old and bitter and then do it.
 

drgrant

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There are lots and lots and lots of relationships that have ended because one person is solely responsible for ending it.

It takes two people making an effort to keep things going

Most relationships end because one party stops making an effort......
Yeah but it's also worth knowing that effort that consists of trying to put square pegs in round holes is eventually, at some point, a waste of time, for both people. People often
try to "make something work" that was never made to work to begin with (but either one or both of them was too blind to this) and the end result is a compromised piece of crap where both
parties are constantly in some sort of state of "lose".


-Mike
 

drgrant

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shes not stepping out because I'm working, she stepping out because for a while we let the relationship fall asleep and didn't put the work in. I asked her if it was due to working a lot she said no only that it made it easier.
We? If she didn't come forward with this on her own and you found out about it through some awkward means, that's pretty bad shit. I'd feel differently if she started flirting with this guy, then
felt guilty about it and then went and talked to you about it instead of just continuing to hide shit.

Also if you both mutually neglected things that much, there's a good chance you probably weren't supposed to be together to begin with. I learned that the hard way once already
and it was a very expensive lesson. People have a lot of difficulty admitting this, though. Nobody likes being told they got into a relationship "because it was convenient". I see pairs
of these needy zombies all over the place. It's pretty sad, really, because it's usually two people wasting a lot of their life trying to make something work that was never going to work. Unfortunately the problem is it takes having a few of "the ones that got away" to realize what is actually real compatibility.

Not saying "this is the case" in your case, but it's something worthy of consideration.

-Mike
 
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Depends if she's flirting and mentally fantasizing or if she's in love with someone else. The first is pretty natural, the second is bad news.
If she is rubbing one out while thinking of someone else then that is a serious problem. PM me for some tips...

Okay. Here's some personal experience original poster. Take it for what it is. I'm not saying my situation is similar to yours, I think it just lends a little perspective on how things can go. A few years ago my wife and I went through a really rough patch. I never believed that she was cheating on me, that had nothing to do with anything. I had a significant opportunity in life that I was going for, and she was dead set against it. She threatened to divorce me, and I backed out of it. It was one of the biggest regrets I've ever had. Now, we fought about it for years. Wasn't like I just rolled over and let it go. Eventually. I got sick of her b*******. And I walked. I walked hard and fast, and then I went out and got shredded, bought an apartment building, and started talking to other women. I had absolutely no plan to work things out with her. Divorce paperwork and initial hearings were done. Child support in place.

She knew about another woman I was talking to. I didn't hide anything. Fast forward a couple years, and she's completely changed. I wasn't bluffing her to make her change. I was gone, and she knew it. She broke her back to get me back, because she realized how much she f***ed up, and that she had no control over me. That ushered in a legitimate respect that led to us working things out. She got lost in some entitled feminine bullshit that she thought I was going to take. Nope.

Like I said. Things are extremely different now. We respect each other, f*** like animals, and there is no entitlement or taking anyone for granted. Marriage isn't a license to be treated like shit.
Dude mega props. I always thought you were the real deal but this seals it. You are my hero. I homeschool too. Carry on...
 

drgrant

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A guy who pursues married women, or even accepts their advances, knowing full well they are married is a dirtbag.
Whatever she's doing is on her.
Yeah but getting tangled up in the "guy being a dirtbag" is a waste of time. If it's not that guy, it will be some other guy.

Not to mention a lot of women lie about the state of their marriage to make the side-guy feel less guilty about banging her. Think about the myriad of
stories they can invent, etc. Some will even lie about things like being legally separated, in the middle of a divorce, etc.

-Mike
 

Prepper

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Yeah but getting tangled up in the "guy being a dirtbag" is a waste of time. If it's not that guy, it will be some other guy.

Not to mention a lot of women lie about the state of their marriage to make the side-guy feel less guilty about banging her. Think about the myriad of
stories they can invent, etc. Some will even lie about things like being legally separated, in the middle of a divorce, etc.

-Mike
Yup, after she gets done telling the lies to the other guy, the other guy probably gets a puffed up head and thinks he's "rescuing" a damsel in distress from an evil monster.

Although, all the guys my ex wife ran off with were indeed total POS's. At least the ones I found out about. The most absurd was the Ghanan who convinced her he was a "prince" and had a $36M inheritance coming to him, as he drove around in a 20 year old POS Corolla with no power windows. My ex wife was effing stupid.
 

drgrant

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About a year after my divorce I got involved w a woman, we fell really hard for each other. Her ex was the complete douche, didn’t work after getting laid off, payed virtually no child support (when he paid any), total dick when it came to visitation (of course she never gave an inch either). Took me a while to figure out just how insane she was. She was the “aggrieved“ party, her friends/family constantly shit on the ex (including in front of her kids) and he certainly deserved being shitting upon, but after a while I realized how incapable she was of being in a mature relationship, how impossible it must have been for anyone to endure her for any length of time. On the surface, most people would say he’s the one who was responsible, she was the righteous one. That is rarely the case.
There's a good protip in here WRT warning signs/shit testing.... if the woman you're now dating was previously married or in some major relationship (eg, maybe had a kid etc) and constantly talks about the drama/bullshit from her previous marriage and so on, all the time.... it's time to cue up.....


If that woman isn't trying to (within reason) insulate you from the bullshit in her previous life then she does not care and doesn't respect you.

Good women (or guys for that matter) try to move on from whatever their past mistakes were regardless of whose fault it is. The bad ones go full rototiller and want you to smell the cow turds that should have been buried in the field a long time ago.

-Mike
 
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