Wife's emotional affair?

In God We Trust

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Alright, how common do you think that is though?

We're guys, big dumb monkeys with hammers and a desire to use them.
I really don’t know. I’ve found most people are at least somewhat reasonable if you are straight with them. Being a large dude might have worked in my favor also, but many times the other guy doesn’t even know she is in a relationship.
 

mibro

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Not recommending this or saying its a good idea, but if you want to find out if she's still talking to him, go confront the guy without her knowing and you'll know right quick. Not from what he says, but from how she reacts toward you when she finds out from him.

No need to threaten him, just ask him questions like what the f*** he's thinking trying to get close to your wife and what the f*** exactly he thinks you'd do if he did.

Good luck whatever you do.
The Alpha thing to do is invite the guy to meet for a beer and say nothing at all about the affair. That would set cupcake's hamster wheel spinning.

If he doesn't know she's married, sure... If he knows she's married, he's a dirtbag.
Cupcake is the one breaking her contract with the OP. Ultimately she is responsible despite the natural impulse to shift the blame onto side-squeeze's shoulders.
 
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She doesn't need to modify behavior the fact that I work so mush makes effortless to do whatever
Does she work ? Does she work a lot?

I'm no expert on women - but long ago I learned to listen to what is going on around me. It's a good way to learn a lot about what people do.

My wife has a friend who for lack of a better way to describe it is an attention whore. Since she was in high school (the wife and friend have known each other since they were middle or high school) - the friend has never been without a man in her life. If she thinks she's going to be losing one man - she'll line up another one. She was married for about 17 years (they're working thru a divorce now) - and as soon as the husband announced he was leaving she was out looking for alternative dick within a week. I hear pretty much ALL of the stories about what is going on behind the scenes with this chick because my wife is constantly texting with her about the next stupid thing the friend has done.

You mentioned that you work a lot - what kind of woman do you think your wife is? Is she one of those women that just can't stand to be alone? Does she work in an environment where she could come into contact with a lot of other men? How old are you guys? One of the things that is sending the wife's friend for a loop is that since she was a kid she always had an easy time hooking up another guy. Now she's in her 50's - and she's over the hill. She's having a hard time comprehending the fact that she's not young and tight any more.

Even so - she's got a new boyfriend who cucks as hard as he can to keep her happy. So I guess you could say she's still getting her way.

If you are having a hard time getting your head straight around what might be happening here - I wish I could could still point you to Chateau Heartiste for a black pill insight into the dark heart of the way women behave. It's unfortunate - but jealousy and threats do seem to be a way to keep women in check. God In Trust's suggestion does have some merit. The problem with that is that you'll be setting up a dynamic that is hard to sustain. If you need to keep screwing around on her just to keep her in line - you might want to think about leaving her ass.

Personal experience: I believe women in general are just plain corrupted in this day and age. I am not married - but I have been with the same woman for 23 years now. At first I wanted to get married and she kept putting it off. Eventually I gained more and more MGTOW type knowledge and my urge to actually marry has pretty much completely dissipated. As the years have gone by the "wife" has brought up the topic of marriage - and I just remind her that she didn't want to , now I don't know if I want to. That usually shuts her up for a couple of years or so. I now have an 11 month old boy at home. I always wanted kids. She always put it off for one reason or another. I think a large part of that constant procrastination was the feministic crap in her head telling her that motherhood sucked and she needed to have a career. Plus her family life as a child was sort of sucky - or at least she portrays it that way.

What finally put us on the road to parenthood I think - was me making a comment at one point about how I was working my ass off - going to the job, working on the house - taking care of all sorts of bullshit - and it was basically just getting me nowhere. She was like "well maybe WE should think about changing things up". I responded with " well if I change things up - I'll be doing it on my own. I'll move to Florida and work on a fishing boat or something - and spend the rest of my life screwing around and having a good time. I won't be leaving you for another woman - I'll just be leaving. I don't need a woman in my life to feel good about myself - in fact in my experience having a woman in my life is nothing but a burden"

Within a few months - she was looking into the options for us to have a kid. Now I have a son. He's awesome.

But I don't think I would have ever gotten there - without making that initial threat.

So - I think In God We Trust has a point. That's been my experience. Sometimes you just simply have to threaten women to get them to pull their head out of their ass.

The question is: is the bullshit you're going to have to pull to keep your wife in line - worth it in the end?

Based on what I've seen from the wife's friend - I'd agree with the previous responses about her doing stuff behind your back. You only saw the tip of the iceberg. She's not locking down everything to keep you from getting on her phone for no reason.
 

Skysoldier

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To the OP:

So, she has essentially told you that she had an "emotional affair." This says a lot!

I remember once when my wife told me, "If things don't change, I want a divorce." What I later found out was that she had alreadey decided she wanted a divorce,
and she was just preparing me for the future.

If you read between the lines, your wife has already told you that she is not getting what she wants from you.

You need to decide if she is worth it....but if it were me, I would get the hell out of that relationship because it sounds like she has already
made up her mind.

Dump the Bitch! And if you have your name on any bank accounts with her, get out of it now! Because the first thing a lawyer is going to tell her is to withdraw
all the money you guy's have and take herself off the accounts and stiff you for any outstanding debts or uncashed checks!
 
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GaryO

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My ex and i tried counseling... it gave her time to make plans to move in with the pos she was messing around with. 21 years later she is on her 3rd husband , had a nice appearance on Live PD.
Good luck but be wary.
 
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It’s a fools folly to go searching for passwords and seeking proof of an affair. TALK to her, tell her your concern, your pain and ask her to commit to making the marriage work. Start anew.

Mark 10:9 9Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
Honestly - I think if I ever caught wind or suspected that my wife was screwing around behind my back - physically or emotionally - I would just assume that there's a whole bunch of stuff that has gone on that I can't prove - and I am just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Once I had even the smallest bit of proof - I would just tell her - based on that assumption that there is a lot more going than I can CURRENTLY prove :

"Look - I know you're screwing around. I'm sure it's been going on for a while - I'm going to assume that since you've been doing that - that you don't want to be with me any more. I don't really care to hear the reasons - I don't care to negotiate - and you're not getting the kid. You're an unfit parent with obvious emotional issues and you act like a child. Children shouldn't be raising children. If you wanted out of the relationship you should have acted like an adult and told me so. Instead you thought you could screw around AND get me to support your ass. So start planning on leading your life without me - because this relationship is done. Maybe your new boyfriend will take you in. Probably better ask him sooner rather than later."

She'll cry - and yell - and scream - and try to blame it all on you for not paying enough attention to her and shit like that - but that is only confirmation of the accusation that she's a goddam child.

Plan ahead. Hide assets. Get all your shit out of the house and put it somewhere she can't find it. Hide your money. If you're here - you're a gun owner. Get the guns out of the house. There's no real telling how crazy a woman can get once you tell her that you're leaving - even if she's screwing around with somebody else.
 
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if she has already checked in with another guy emotionally or otherwise she is already gone.

The types of problems you are talking about is something they would normally bitch to their girlfriends about.

She sought another guy instead.

Not sure what is left to save at this point.

I'm older and a little more impatient though...but if I were in that situation the next time she got a communication from me would be through my lawyer.

She's trying to line up Plan B.
 
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What’s wrong with straight out asking for the password? Matter of fact straight out ask to see her phone. If she denies you that is your answer.
Trust is a terrible thing to lose. I don’t think it ever fully returns. I’ve never cheated on my wife and never would. Same goes for her.
Your work habits need to change no matter what IMO.
Good luck.

Sometimes work isn't a "habit" - it's what you have to do to keep the job.

If the wife is screwing around simply because he's working "too much" - maybe all that working was a good test of how strong the relationship really was in the first place.

My closest friend is a firefighter. Been married now for something like 27 years. Him and his wife have three daughters. He worked two jobs during this time to provide for the family. Often it would be an overnight at the station - and then working a full 8 hour shift the next day as a rehab nurse.

There was no "work habit" that COULD be changed. He needed both jobs just to pay the bills. The wife stayed home and took care of the kids and all the other stuff. Now that she's older she went back to school - and got a job. His wife is extremely cute - and could easily attract another man if she wanted to. I've never caught so much as whiff that she would ever do anything like that though.

Other men's wives I've known - not so much. A few in fact have definitely stepped out as soon as they had half a chance.

The working too much thing is nothing more than excuse. Don't fall for it.
 
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You have rights

You have the right to surrender your guns if she denounces you. Chances are "He has always been a perfect gentleman and never violent, but I don't know what the stress of a divorce will do and he might crack" would be enough to get a judge to agree you are dangerous.

You have the right to have about 50% of your post tax paycheck transferred directly to her account until your last kid is past undergrad college age (NOT just 21)

You have the right to be required to pay for health insurance, SPED education, short bus fees, etc. for your kids. One guy I know who makes almost nothing is paying a $1600/month order out of his life savings and his ex has a blank check o any of his assets to pay for their son's autism treatment.

You may even have the right to bend over. Not sure about that one.
 
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Roland Deschain

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Okay. Here's some personal experience original poster. Take it for what it is. I'm not saying my situation is similar to yours, I think it just lends a little perspective on how things can go. A few years ago my wife and I went through a really rough patch. I never believed that she was cheating on me, that had nothing to do with anything. I had a significant opportunity in life that I was going for, and she was dead set against it. She threatened to divorce me, and I backed out of it. It was one of the biggest regrets I've ever had. Now, we fought about it for years. Wasn't like I just rolled over and let it go. Eventually. I got sick of her b*******. And I walked. I walked hard and fast, and then I went out and got shredded, bought an apartment building, and started talking to other women. I had absolutely no plan to work things out with her. Divorce paperwork and initial hearings were done. Child support in place.

She knew about another woman I was talking to. I didn't hide anything. Fast forward a couple years, and she's completely changed. I wasn't bluffing her to make her change. I was gone, and she knew it. She broke her back to get me back, because she realized how much she f***ed up, and that she had no control over me. That ushered in a legitimate respect that led to us working things out. She got lost in some entitled feminine bullshit that she thought I was going to take. Nope.

Like I said. Things are extremely different now. We respect each other, f*** like animals, and there is no entitlement or taking anyone for granted. Marriage isn't a license to be treated like shit.
 
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Or, hot take, he's upset and doesn't trust her, doesn't mean she still is.


Yo OP, there's a ton of tools you can use to snoop. But.

You shouldn't do it. First, if you decide to stay together, you're crossing one big f***ing Rubicon with regards to trust. Yes, she violated a trust and agreement you two had, but putting her under police state style surveillance is not the answer. Second, it's about self care dude, if you let distrust and a need to watch her every move consume you, that isn't healthy for you, and it's pretty abusive towards her.

Either let it go, or move on. Divorces aren't the end of the world.
I
The fact that you caught her (and supposedly just before it got physical) - she didn’t catch herself - casts a whole lot of doubt on the whole situation.
Do you know for sure it was going to get physical or are you just assuming? There's a big difference imo between mentally straying and physically.
yes I kn
To the OP:

So, she has essentially told you that she had an "emotional affair." This says a lot!

I remember once when my wife told me, "If things don't change, I want a divorce." What I later found out was that she had alreadey decided she wanted a divorce,
and she was just preparing me for the future.

If you read between the lines, your wife has already told you that she is not getting what she wants from you.

You need to decide if she is worth it....but if it were me, I would get the hell out of that relationship because it sounds like she has already
made up her mind.

Dump the Bitch! And if you have your name on any bank accounts with her, get out of it now! Because the first thing a lawyer is going to tell her is to withdraw
all the money you guy's have and take herself off the accounts and stiff you for any outstanding debts or uncashed checks!
Sometimes work isn't a "habit" - it's what you have to do to keep the job.

If the wife is screwing around simply because he's working "too much" - maybe all that working was a good test of how strong the relationship really was in the first place.

My closest friend is a firefighter. Been married now for something like 27 years. Him and his wife have three daughters. He worked two jobs during this time to provide for the family. Often it would be an overnight at the station - and then working a full 8 hour shift the next day as a rehab nurse.

There was no "work habit" that COULD be changed. He needed both jobs just to pay the bills. The wife stayed home and took care of the kids and all the other stuff. Now that she's older she went back to school - and got a job. His wife is extremely cute - and could easily attract another man if she wanted to. I've never caught so much as whiff that she would ever do anything like that though.

Other men's wives I've known - not so much. A few in fact have definitely stepped out as soon as they had half a chance.

The working too much thing is nothing more than excuse. Don't fall for it.
shes not stepping out because I'm working, she stepping out because for a while we let the relationship fall asleep and didn't put the work in. I asked her if it was due to working a lot she said no only that it made it easier.
 

jason19711971

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Cut your losses and move on.The other guy will always be her booty call. Typically it takes a lot emotional for a women to go outside the marriage and when they do its over. Not something you want to hear I'm sure but I'd rather see someone find their happiness and treated with respect.
 
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The Alpha thing to do is invite the guy to meet for a beer and say nothing at all about the affair. That would set cupcake's hamster wheel spinning.



Cupcake is the one breaking her contract with the OP. Ultimately she is responsible despite the natural impulse to shift the blame onto side-squeeze's shoulders.
So asking the guy who's making you a cuck out on a date so you can play head games with a woman who doesn't respect you is the "Alpha thing to do"? OP asked about how to find out if it's still going on.
Him being a dirtbag or not has nothing to do with shifting blame off her.
A guy who pursues married women, or even accepts their advances, knowing full well they are married is a dirtbag.
Whatever she's doing is on her.
 
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A buddy tried this approach. Fella dropped a dime to the PD and my buddy's guns had to be removed from his home.

He claimed it was a reasonably civil conversation. He knew the guy. And no threats were made.

This guy had a temper. He could be intimidating. So I can't be sure how it went except he had to get friends to take all his guns and ammo ASAP.

People don't play fair in this types of issues. And the guy who owns the guns always loses.

Something to definitely take into account.

The perception of "threatening" is something that is often in the eye of the beholder. In this day and age with a lot of men eating and drinking too much soy - it seems the bar for "threatening" has been lowered way way down.

A number of years ago at work I was in a hallway conversation with two of my co-workers. One was this guy "Stan" who was tall , had a sort of threatening look to him (sort of rough around the edges backwoods type) - and he was known to be a gun owner. The other guy was "Ted" who was one of the guys who worked in the IT labs. So all three of us are standing there - and "Stan" had this nervous habit of opening and closing this leatherman he had - which had a knife in it. Bear in mind - I was standing right there. So all three of us are talking for 15-20 minutes - and all the while Stan is opening and closing that Leatherman. Ted never said one word of protest - or made any moves to leave the situation. Then I hear a couple of hours later that Ted had run to HR and told them he felt threatened by Stan - because he had been opening and closing that Leatherman. Again - I was standing right there. Nobody ever came to talk to me about it. Once I heard about that going down - I told every single person who brought it up that I had been RIGHT THERE - and there was absolutely no "threatening" going on. "In my opinion Ted is a pussy little bitch" is what I remember telling any person I knew well enough to know they wouldn't get triggered and run off to HR themself and complain about my language.

Point here is - Ted for some reason felt threatened enough to run like a little bitch off to HR - but say nothing while he was standing there. I saw the EXACT same thing Ted did - and didn't feel threatened at all.

Just going to talk to somebody MIGHT be a bad idea.
 
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So asking the guy who's making you a cuck out on a date so you can play head games with a woman who doesn't respect you is the "Alpha thing to do"? OP asked about how to find out if it's still going on.
Him being a dirtbag or not has nothing to do with shifting blame off her.
A guy who pursues married women, or even accepts their advances, knowing full well they are married is a dirtbag.
Whatever she's doing is on her.
The whole alpha/beta thing is bullshit silliness PUA trash anyway.
 
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I guess the thing I don't understand is why someone I supported through serious health issues over many years and admittedly says she stills loves me and wants to work it out would play this game, I offered to buy her out of our house and let her go and she said no, why not just leave if your were planning to continue to lie " if she still is"
 
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Maybe the other guy wasn’t offering to move her in?
No he wasn't but she makes plenty of money and I would given her a sizable chunk of cash to get the house in my name why not just say ok and look for a condo or something whyontinue the lie like oh I love you I'll fix this I'm sorry why would someone me do it that? If it was me if I wanted out I would be like I want out peace
 

Buck F

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Cupcake is the one breaking her contract with the OP. Ultimately she is responsible despite the natural impulse to shift the blame onto side-squeeze's shoulders.
The “I’m righteous because I didn’t cheat” mentality will get you nowhere, it takes two people to f*** up a relationship and infidelity doesn’t just have to be emotional/physical. My ex, while never unfaithful w/ someone else (that I know of) was financially unfaithful and parentally unfaithful. Just because she wasn’t unfaithful w someone else doesn’t mean she didn't contribute every bit as much to the end of our relationship as I did. And yes, I was unfaithful physically (not emotionally). We lived like roommates for years, with a lot of disdain involved on both sides. I was the provider, the parent, I was solid right up until the very end. My outlet was inappropriate and I have always regretted it, always wished I had the nads to realize what was going on and just end it but I couldn’t walk away from the kids/family so I f***ed it up. I actually didn’t even think she’d mind me stepping out a little given the shithole our relationship was in. It was going to end one way or the other. The absolutism about the “unfaithful“ person being at fault for the end of the relationship might make the aggrieved party feel like they’re in the right, but it isn’t always so.
 

Buck F

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Do not panic. Do not make any major decisions right now. Gather information. Educate your self. It will be important for you to get enough rest and proper diet.
You are in for a ride but you can make it out the other side!
You will be in my prayers.
Best advice so far.
 

jpk

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Lawyer and Councilor in that order

Probably want to talk with a 2A lawyer too because thats just a prudent thing to do.

Trust is one of those things that is very very difficult to regain once lost.....

So the other thing you need to ask yourself is WHY are you in this relationship......

If you cant come up with a good reason then maybe its time to GTFO and use this opportunity in your favor and invoke your new favorite 4 letter word..... "NEXT!"
 

Greg

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The vast majority of women are ruled by, and make decisions based purely on emotion, void of any logic or reasoning. If she is emotionally attached to someone else, eject.

If you have kids, try to work it out but know you are facing an uphill battle. Once the woman decides she doesn't want to be with you, it's over in her head. The only reason she might be sticking around is that she is in a comfort zone and hasn't yet secured a new comfort zone.

Good luck.
 
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I guess the thing I don't understand is why someone I supported through serious health issues over many years and admittedly says she stills loves me and wants to work it out would play this game, I offered to buy her out of our house and let her go and she said no, why not just leave if your were planning to continue to lie " if she still is"
You're applying too much male logic to the situation.

You think women think the same way men do.

This is why Roland Deschain posted the link over to the MGTOW thread.

The previous support thru her health issues is something that for a lot of women - just wouldn't compute as a debt that obligates them to some sort of loyalty to you.

The "still loves me and wants to work it out" could just be an abject lie to string you along for a while longer. Then again - it might not. Hard to know.

Many years ago there was this movie called "Hardbodies". The main character in the movie had this thing he called "The BBD" Women are always looking for the BBD - the bigger and better deal


Buying her out of the house and letting her go - isn't necessarily going to be what she wants. A lot of women - like that friend of the wife's I described earlier - simply would NEVER take that deal unless they had a BBD in place - or at minimum an alternative dick to support them. What is your wife's past history? Was he on her own AT ALL before you got together with her? If she wasn't - then going off on her own at this point (not sure how long you've been together) - is probably not in her acceptable life choices decision matrix.
 

GM-GUY

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My advice, just from the outside of these situations as a friend/relative of those involved (both sides - both sexes).

If someone cheats and gets caught - it isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. Women win in court in Massachusetts. With few exceptions, you are going to end up losing. You will get blamed for pulling away, not trusting her or not ‘being emotionally available’.

If you have kids - consider staying amicable and in the home - kids tend to do better with both parents.

Also be advised - the clap (and worse) isn’t just for kids.

I am truly sorry for this happening to you and your relationship.

If this happened to me, I’d take a job as a long haul trucker and work all the time I could and keep a separate bank account until the kids are gone.

If no kids, I’d have to decide if I wanted to risk getting screwed royally as accounts get drained and lawyers advise her how to completely drain you and get you on the lifetime payment plan.

A little dark I know, truly sorry - but I’ve seen lots in 51 yrs of life.
 
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