Wife's emotional affair?

enbloc

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Cheat on me once, Your shit's on the lawn...
Cheat on me twice, You must have been drunk and forgot I dumped you and threw your shit on the lawn...
FIFY
 
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SHOCKNAWE

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She agreed to full transparency gave her phone and password as well as phone bill. I’m still not sure what to do, Considering staying at parents for a few nights.
Im Telling ya go get another broad and hit it, don’t throw it in her face just keep it to yourself and it will help you get over it. In my opinion it’s the only way if your planning on staying with her.
 

beaker

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I would say you need to let her know about your concerns, you have the moral high ground here regardless of how much you work. Let her know that you love her, but your trust has been damaged and you want to work with her to figure out how to restore it. As her for her ideas about rebuilding the trust. Ask her why she felt like she needed to go outside of your relationship for emotional satisfaction and be ready to admit it if you own part of it, but only if it is legitimate. I wouldnt take responsibility for an excuse if there is nothing to support her reasons. Ask her if she is really committed, or if she is only going through the motions. It makes no sense to stay together if you both arent 110% committed to the relationship. Trust is the most important aspect of a successful marriage, or any relationship really.
 
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She agreed to full transparency gave her phone and password as well as phone bill. I’m still not sure what to do, Considering staying at parents for a few nights.
What more could you have wanted? Sounds like the ball is in your court now. It won't happen overnight, but are you willing to learn to trust her again? If so then start working on it. If not, then you need to either figure out why not, or cut bait.

IANAL. IANAP, IANAC, YMMV ...

p.s. Sounds like you're trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings and emotions this has raised. Unfortunately most of us guys have been raised to believe feelings and emotions are bad, we're not supposed to feel them, particularly "bad" emotions. Problem is that's not reality. Emotions and feelings are normal. And when they get too strong that we can't ignore them, or stuff them, any more most of us then have no clue what to do. It can be very bewildering. Many of us need to learn how to feel our emotions, process them, and then be in charge. Not like a female, or soy boy, ruled by emotions, but like a man who's a leader and able to feel their emotions too. A good counselor can help you with the tools needed to deal with what you're feeling now, and particularly if the marriage doesn't work out. In my personal experience, look for one who does Internal Family Systems. </soapbox>
 

new guy

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She agreed to full transparency gave her phone and password as well as phone bill. I’m still not sure what to do, Considering staying at parents for a few nights.
Staying at parents' seems like it might send the wrong message if you're inclined to try to make it work. Don't run away from the situation.
 

Laura

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Hey,

I so recently discovered my wife having an emotional affair just before it got physical. We both agreed to stay in the marriage and try to work things out. Everything seems to be going good but I still have doubts weather or not she is still talking to this guy. She promised she would not see or talk to him. Im looking for the best way to find proof if it's truly over without outright asking her. I don't know her iPad/ phone passcode and she holds the login in info to our phone account. Any suggestions appreciated other than just f---Ing leave her.
Thanks
B
I'm going to tell you what I'd say if it were a woman dealing with this same issue, particularly if there's children involved. I haven't read through everyone's response so whether there is or isn't - go to couples' counseling. If she won't go with you, go alone, but do see a counselor and give yourself time to calm down before you make a decision.

Man or women, when people cheat and say "honey, she didn't mean anything, I don't know why I did it" it's is a bold face lie. Of course you know why you cheated and of course it meant something or you wouldn't have done it.

If she's unwilling to attend counseling with you and doesn't grasp how an emotional affair is as bad as a physical one - divorce her, so you're not dealing with the anxiety or doubts.
 

EddieA

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I once went to couples counseling alone, similar distrust issues. The guy gave me the best advice I've ever gotten.
He told me "It's over, move on, you're a hot property, get back out there."
I did, I was, best thing I ever did.
But I'm me, you are you. Good luck to you.
 

TheGreekFreak

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Please don't......not the firearms or moving thing, just the phone stuff. Step back and look at yourself asking her to see her phone. Will you be satisfied for life if nothing is on it today?? What kind of solution is forced surveillance on someone you don't trust who should be your partner?

If you think you will attain happiness out of the optimal response from her in your book (yes) with the optimal results (nothing bad on the phone), I beg to differ. This parasite dude and her talking to him or whoever is not the problem......the state of your relationship is. Forget the NSA bullshit, sit down, and just be 100% honest like you are on here. Don't pull any jabs, say what you feel, and LISTEN to what she says. You should both come to the same conclusion after a real honest deep convo about your problems.
She agreed to full transparency gave her phone and password as well as phone bill. I’m still not sure what to do, Considering staying at parents for a few nights.
🙄
 

Mother Deuce

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Trust is easy to give out of the gate. It is difficult to repair. If it is your desire to repair it you are going to have to deal with you. Most of us don't like to have our gift of trust violated and are but hurt after the fact and rightfully so. The road to repair is to have the faith to extend the trust once more. I did it once we got about 5 years further up the line and failed. Good Luck with your decisions. They are tough ones.
 

GM-GUY

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Don't get morals/blame/cheating or whatever else mixed in. This is very simple, if you are in Massachusetts, it's a no fault state. You could have pics of her with the gardner and a midget in the corner (Rodney Dangerfield - Back to School) and she is still getting at least half.

Simple equation at this point; can you trust her again and move on or do you know yourself (maybe been cheated on by an EXGF) and no you can't? If you can't, is half your stuff worth it?

Again, truly sorry and I really do hope the best for you.
 

MarlboroughMan

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She "agreed to full transparency." What more do you want right now and why would you move out now (as opposed to when she told you this sh*t and hadn't yet agreed to transparency)? I don't get it. Maybe you want her to still be cheating so that you have the excuse to get out and she's the bad guy. I think you guys need counseling if you have any interest in making it work so that a (hopefully well trained) professional can help you guys sort out your issues. One thing you haven't answered (or I missed it) is whether or not there are kids involved. That to me makes all the difference in the world in terms of everything worth trying to fight for. I went to two different counselors with my ex because kids were involved and I really wanted to give it every chance. Eventually we called it quits (after the kids were "adults") but I'm happy we were able to at least stay together for the kid as long as we did (and we then mediated a divorce in as painless a manner possible). If there wouldn't have been kids involved the marriage would have ended years ago and I wouldn't have bothered with counseling.
 
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Everybody should hit the pause button until the OP provides a description or definition of what constituted the "emotional affair." People are interpreting that term through their own lenses, and really it could mean anything from talking to a person on a regular basis on the one end of the spectrum to x-rated sexting on the other end. If it is just talking to another person about mundane events of the day, frankly, if it were my wife I would be glad to have that off my plate. I hate the banality of small talk, but women view that differently -- they see that as an intimate, emotional connection.
 

Roland Deschain

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Everybody should hit the pause button until the OP provides a description or definition of what constituted the "emotional affair." People are interpreting that term through their own lenses, and really it could mean anything from talking to a person on a regular basis on the one end of the spectrum to x-rated sexting on the other end. If it is just talking to another person about mundane events of the day, frankly, if it were my wife I would be glad to have that off my plate. I hate the banality of small talk, but women view that differently -- they see that as an intimate, emotional connection.
Pause Button... LOL

This is NES
 
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She "agreed to full transparency." What more do you want right now and why would you move out now (as opposed to when she told you this sh*t and hadn't yet agreed to transparency)? I don't get it. Maybe you want her to still be cheating so that you have the excuse to get out and she's the bad guy. I think you guys need counseling if you have any interest in making it work so that a (hopefully well trained) professional can help you guys sort out your issues. One thing you haven't answered (or I missed it) is whether or not there are kids involved. That to me makes all the difference in the world in terms of everything worth trying to fight for. I went to two different counselors with my ex because kids were involved and I really wanted to give it every chance. Eventually we called it quits (after the kids were "adults") but I'm happy we were able to at least stay together for the kid as long as we did (and we then mediated a divorce in as painless a manner possible). If there wouldn't have been kids involved the marriage would have ended years ago and I wouldn't have bothered with counseling.
I'm coming around to the fact that I don't want a wife that I need to check her phone, iPad, credit card, car gps I don't want use VAR's I don't want to ask for a polygraph. Full transparency what is that? Delete text messages, get a burner, call this looser from your work phone, get a pre paid credit card. People told me to write a no contact letter to this creep, ya right send the letter then call him from your burner 5 minutes later an say don't worry my husband is a chump.
 

Buck F

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I'm coming around to the fact that I don't want a wife that I need to check her phone, iPad, credit card, car gps I don't want use VAR's I don't want to ask for a polygraph. Full transparency what is that? Delete text messages, get a burner, call this looser from your work phone, get a pre paid credit card. People told me to write a no contact letter to this creep, ya right send the letter then call him from your burner 5 minutes later an say don't worry my husband is a chump.
Perhaps a couple days at your brother’s will do you some good. A no contact letter has to come from her, it has zero legal standing if it comes from you, it’s pointless for you to send it. I’m going to go back to @independent‘s advice. Make no immediate decisions, take the time to think things through for yourself, for your benefit. You’ll figure it out.
 

NHKevin

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I'm coming around to the fact that I don't want a wife that I need to check her phone, iPad, credit card, car gps I don't want use VAR's I don't want to ask for a polygraph. Full transparency what is that? Delete text messages, get a burner, call this looser from your work phone, get a pre paid credit card. People told me to write a no contact letter to this creep, ya right send the letter then call him from your burner 5 minutes later an say don't worry my husband is a chump.
You have no freaking clue what you want.
 
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Perhaps a couple days at your brother’s will do you some good. A no contact letter has to come from her, it has zero legal standing if it comes from you, it’s pointless for you to send it. I’m going to go back to @independent‘s advice. Make no immediate decisions, take the time to think things through for yourself, for your benefit. You’ll figure it out.
I know it comes from her I just didn't right my post very well
 
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