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What's in your tool box?

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by dwarven1, Oct 18, 2005.

  1. dwarven1

    dwarven1 Appleseed Instructor Dealer NES Member

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    True tool definitions:

    a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

    d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

    j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

    k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

    n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

    p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

    w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

    y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. Also works well on index fingers.
     

  2. Chris

    Chris NES Member

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    Jeeze, Ross, were you poking around my garage during the Pig Roast? (^_^)
     
  3. Lynne

    Lynne

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    [lol] [lol]
     
  4. dwarven1

    dwarven1 Appleseed Instructor Dealer NES Member

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    Heck no, Chris! These are the Standard Tools For Guys. All Guys should have them. I'm just posting this for the ladies' edification. [wink]
     
  5. Lynne

    Lynne

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    How thoughtful dear. Thank you. And, as an FYI, I do know how to use the majority of what you listed. And, I might add, without accident, screw up, or having to turn the air blue around me. I do realize that without the "blue air" it tends to take away from the actual use of the implement, but, I seem to persevere.

    [wink] [lol]
     
  6. dwarven1

    dwarven1 Appleseed Instructor Dealer NES Member

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    Aw, heck, Lynne, with the exception of the oxy/acetylene torch and the engine hoist, I do too. In the words of Ensign Pavel Chekov, "I vas making a leetle joke, sir!" Or Ma'am, as the case may be.
     
  7. Lynne

    Lynne

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    Yes, Pavel...I know...didn't you see my [wink] [lol] ? (btw - those were the two I wouldn't know how to handle either. [lol] )
     
  8. DR

    DR NES Member

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    Sounds like you have a good excuse to get a smoke wrench. Welding's almost as much fun as shooting.

    And I can report that SAAB Sonetts have very strong ground straps. [shock] My, er, friend's Sonett. Yeah, that's it.
     
  9. MrsWildweasel

    MrsWildweasel Moderator NES Member

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    Shoot that is Glenn's shop and I know there is alot more than all that out there. Alan and Glenn both weld. [lol]
     
  10. Chris

    Chris NES Member

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    No longer have a 'Blue Wrench". Did however pick up a nice Miller MIG setup a year or so ago. MUCH nicer welds. Now if metal stock wasn't so darn expensive!

    You just havn't lived until you take some 1/4" plate and weld up a set of "Noisy Dice". (^_^)

    They make great wheel chocks too. (^_^)

    Playing craps in the driveway is pretty hard on the pavement however.

    On the other hand, they are a fun way to chip ice in the winter.

    *Always looking for the good side of things*
     
  11. DR

    DR NES Member

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    I hear ya. I work down the street from Admiral Metals so I've got a good source for non-ferrous. I used to go to Metal Supermarket in Reading for steel but they've been shut for a while. If you've got a good steel source please share the wealth.

    Oh, and if you homebrew, C25 makes a dandy gas for dispensing stout.
     

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