French Shower of News
ACCORDIONS CAUGHT IN CROSSFIRE
Immigrant Parisian youths, enraged by lack of job opportunities and a growing shortage of flammable cars, tonight turned their wrath on another hated symbol of French cultural oppression - the accordion.
"You try listening to that **** 16 hours a day," explained 'Tariq,' a masked teenage activist holding aloft the smoldering carcass of a charred musette.
Fearing a spread of musical violence to Great Britain, Edinburgh Lord Mayor Gordon MacInnes warned local Scots against leaving their bagpipes unattended in certain neighborhoods.
RIOT POLICE BATTLE MOBS WITH FRENCH CINEMA
Vowing tough new measures in the battle against violent mobs in suburban Paris banlieues, French police riot squads waded into strife-torn neighborhoods tonight armed with a potent new weapon -- video monitors playing loops of Jean-Luc Goddard, Jean Renoir and Francois Truffaut films.
"We are going to restore order in the area, by whatever means are necessary," said Police Inspector Bruno Ouvard, as paramedics worked to revive comatose protestors.
The new practice prompted an outcry by human rights organizations, but French government spokesmen defended it as a "regretfully necessary tactic" to bring order to lawless suburban streets.
"This is complete barbary on the part of police," complained Dr. Gilles Bertrand of the physicians rescue group Medicins Sans Frontieres. "Rendering someone unconscious that quickly could result in serious injury or death."
WIDESPREAD PANIC AS JERRY LEWIS RAMPAGES IN PARISIAN STREETS
The riots engulfing France took a dangerous new turn today, as diners and shoppers along the Champs Elysees were accosted by enraged madcap American comedian Jerry Lewis.
In a daring daylight annoyance spree, the 75-year old film veteran was seen clumsily victimizing fruit pyramids, mimes, and bourgeois doyennes along the fabled Parisian boulevard. In one shocking encounter caught on security cameras, Lewis stumbled and spilled a large bag of white substance -- later identified as flour -- on a startled matron and her poodle. Compounding the damage, Lewis attempted to brush the flour from the shocked woman’s hair with a shopkeeper’s broom, while loudly declaring “woy goyvin, with the flour in the doggie, HEYYY LAAADY!”
It is unclear what broader geopolitical aims he was trying to achieve with the action, but many analysts hinted Lewis – longtime darling of French cineastes and recipient of the French Legion of Honor – may be setting the stage for a messy, floury coup of the Chirac government.
Lewis later added fuel to the rampant speculation by neither confirming or denying the rumors, saying only that “GLAAAVIN!”
FRENCH RIOTERS UNIONIZE, GO ON STRIKE
Complaining of unsafe working conditions, lack of vacation time, and illegal 40-hour weeks, the French Union of Disaffected Immigrant Youth Rioters declared a general strike today.
“We are going to riot and burn cars every night until our demands are met,” warned Musab Al-Dura, a spokesman for the newly formed labor union.
Many analysts feared the surprise walkout could paralyze France’s all-important riot industry, but riot management spokesman Khalil Hassan said that he had received permission from French labor officials and the EU to hire temporary Belgian replacement immigrant rioters to fill positions vacated by rioting domestic French immigrant strikers.
U.S. CONGRESS MULLS ACTION
In an emergency late night joint session of Congress, U.S. lawmakers debated the Appropriate Menu Labeling Act, a new bill introduced by Rep. David Dryer (R-CA) aimed at addressing rapidly deteriorating public order in France.
Under AMLA provisions, the Congressional dining room's 'freedom fries' will temporarily revert to their original name of 'French fries.' Once France in overthrown by rioters, the bill will automatically trigger renaming to 'Fatima fries.'
Analysts believe the bill will be fast-tracked for presidential signature, as it has gained widespread bipartisan support.
"Hey man, as long as I get my bridge amendment, I'm cool," said Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.
News Niblets
VILLEPIN URGES PROTESTORS: "NOT THE FACE"
PARIS – Amid an 11th straight night of unrest by rioting immigrant youths across the country, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin made an urgent appeal to protestors requesting that “pas le visage! Pas le visage!”
Villepin, who is a man, made the emergency request during another fiery night in the Parisian suburbs that saw 1300 cars, dozens of buildings, and hundreds of overpriced desserts go up in flames.
Villepin took control of the Chirac government’s protest response effort Tuesday after Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy’s 'get-tough' policy of sending in the Paris Police’s elite windmill-slapping squads proved ineffective against rioters. Villepin promised a less confrontational approach emphasizing dialog, discussion of protestor grievances, and “curling ourselves into safe, fetal balls of mutual cultural understanding.”
Villepin’s diplomatic approach seemed to bear fruit as protestors largely refrained from beating his face, and instead focused their efforts on “les ouegies,” “les wettes-du-Willi” and “les souerlies.”
After the incident Villepin said he planned to build on the overnight progress, and urged a nationwide television audience for ‘cultural reconciliation’ and ‘pas plus le pantsing, sil vous plait.’
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