Police Monkeys

[Cross-X]

Police monkeys
A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a
chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". The man looks a little closer and
discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a
set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper
and asks him what the deal is with this thousand- dollar monkey.

"Sir, You have discovered our Police Officer Monkeys. This one is our Basic
Patrol version. It's got a POST Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with
a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla - also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs.

The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have
discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a POST Advanced certification,
is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics
of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can
even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the last cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan,
dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding only a coffee
cup. "What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man.

The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well, um.... we have never
actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and play with his wiener,
but he says he's the Chief."

 

[doobie]

I'm betting you could easily change around the wording and have it related to lawyers instead.

 

[Garys]

Or Governors!

 

[dreppucci007]

 

[Negotiator]

You know what they say about lawyer jokes…Lawyer’s don’t find them funny, but nobody else thinks they’re jokes

 

[Cross-X]

Welcome to NES.

So many comedians, so few funny.

 

[Garys]

It occurred to me that someone might think I was comparing the Governor to a monkey, which could be considered a racist statement. I wasn't, I was comparing him to all bureaucratic and political types that sit around in their chairs drinking coffee and playing with their weiners. That transcends race, but not politics or bureaucracy.

 

[gene]

That was funny

 

[P-14]

A man walks up to a supermarket deli counter and sees a big sign behind the counter: Special on Brains Today!

So, he looks through the glass case and sees a sign that says, "Engineer Brains, $100/pound". Next sign says, "Surgeon Brains, $200/pound". Last sign says, "Lawyer Brains, $10,000/pound". He's puzzled at the difference in pricing and asks the clerk behind the counter: "I understand why surgeons' brains might be more expensive than engineers', but why are the lawyer brains $10,000/pound?"

The clerk answered: "Do you know how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains? That's why it's so expensive!"

Just thinking of you, Cross-X!

Regards,

Bob

 

[Cross-X]

A man walks up to a supermarket deli counter and sees a big sign behind the counter: Special on Brains Today!

So, he looks at through the glass case and sees a sign that says, "Engineer Brains, $100/pound". Next sign says, "Surgeon Brains, $200/pound". Last sign says, "Lawyer Brains, $10,000/pound". He's puzzled at the difference in pricing and asks the clerk behind the counter: "I understand why surgeons' brains might be more expensive than engineers', but why are the lawyer brains $10,000/pound?"

The clerk answered: "Do you know how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains? That's why it's so expensive!"

Just thinking of you, Cross-X!

Regards,

Bob

Funny way of expressing undying love...

 

[P-14]

Funny way of expressing undying love...

Love ya like a brother, Cross-X, but let's not push it.

Regards,

Bob

 

[Negotiator]

Oh please Bob, don't encourage him

 

[Negotiator]

...and before you start on me, here's a psychologist one:

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

 

[Negotiator]

Sorry Cross - X , I couldn't resist this one...


"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed.

 

[P-14]

Negotiator, you've inspired me:

This couple was on the way to get married, but their car got in a wreck and they were both killed. They went to Heaven to be judged by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete looked them both up on the ledger and said that they'd been good and that they could come into Heaven.

The couple asked St. Pete a question before they went inside: "St. Peter, we were on our way to get married before we were killed and came to Heaven. Can we get married in Heaven?" St. Pete said, "Well gee, nobody has ever asked that before. You sit here on the bench outside the gates and I'll go find out."

So they sat on the bench and a day went by - no St. Pete. Two days. A week. Two Weeks. Well, as time passed they got to talking. Being married for eternity was a long time. They started wondering if there also was a possibility of divorce in Heaven.

Well, after a month, St. Peter returned and said, "Yup, come on in. You can get married in Heaven!" "But, St. Peter," the couple asked, "we were wondering if divorce were possible in Heaven if our marrage for eternity doesn't work out. Can we get divorced in Heaven?"

Well, St. Peter got really angry - shouting and yelling and jumping up and down. The couple said, "What is it? What did we say that got you so angry with us? We didn't mean it!"

St. Pete said, "Look, it took me a month to find a Priest up here and now you want me to find a lawyer?"

Ba dum pum ching!

(Sorry, Darius)

Bob

 

[Negotiator]

Boom Boom - Nice one Bob

 

[MikeH]

That last one was really good.

 

[namedpipes]

A man walks up to a supermarket deli counter and sees a big sign behind the counter: Special on Brains Today!

So, he looks through the glass case and sees a sign that says, "Engineer Brains, $100/pound". Next sign says, "Surgeon Brains, $200/pound". Last sign says, "Lawyer Brains, $10,000/pound". He's puzzled at the difference in pricing and asks the clerk behind the counter: "I understand why surgeons' brains might be more expensive than engineers', but why are the lawyer brains $10,000/pound?"

The clerk answered: "Do you know how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains? That's why it's so expensive!"

Just thinking of you, Cross-X!

Regards,

Bob

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby Normal?
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[shakes and grabs him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

 

[rscalzo]

You know what they say about lawyer jokes…Lawyer’s don’t find them funny, but nobody else thinks they’re jokes

Not true. The firm I worked for loved the lawyer jokes I sent around. Of course I associated only with the ones with a sense of humor. Not all fell under that category. Some fell into the "party animal" category that put some college students to shame. One unnamed attorney cause our somewhat forceful removal from a upscale establishment.