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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. bfm

    bfm NES Member

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    In France they have Ouinals.
     

  2. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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  3. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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  4. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  5. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road
    They pass each other
    Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
    Man yells out window, " B I T C H! "
    Man rounds next curve
    Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

    Thought For The Day : If only men would listen!!!!!
     
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  6. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Sir Gwilym and his men returned to the king’s castle smiling bearing bags of gold and a dozen bodacious slave women. Fruits of plundering the land for a week.

    “Where have you been all this time, Sir Gwilym?” asked the king.

    “I have been robbing, raping and pillaging on your behalf all week, sire, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.”

    “But I don’t have any enemies in the north,” protested the king.

    “You have now, sire.”
     
  8. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  9. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
     
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  10. szaino

    szaino

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    And what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    >

    He wiped his bum.
     
  11. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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    A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

    He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
     
  12. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  13. scatter

    scatter NES Member

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    Could there possibly be anything more appropriate than a Trouble Shooting section in the owner's manual for a gun?
     
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  14. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    Dupe but it's still funny.

     
    Last edited: May 24, 2018 at 4:43 AM
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  15. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    Yes, but they call it a Special Forces Operations Guide.
     
  16. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Member

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    A woman was sure that her husb...
    A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
    One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
    That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
    The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
    When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
    "No madam," said the gardener.
     
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  17. jct61765

    jct61765 NES Member

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    A young black kid asks his mother,
    "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"
    "Well, Child.....Socialism is
    when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff,
    you know.....like our free cell phones for each family
    member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school
    lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and
    on.....you know, that's Socialism."
    "But, mama, don't the
    white people get pissed off about that?"
    "Sure they do, Honey.
    That's called Racism."
     
  18. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Once upon a time there was a family of moles - a Papa Mole, Mama Mole and a Baby Mole. They all lived in a Mole Hole. One day, the Papa Mole stuck his mole nose out of the hole and said:

    "Oh my, I smell maple syrup!"

    The Mama Mole stuck her head out of the hole and said:

    "Oh my, I smell maple syrup too!"

    The Baby Mole could not stick his nose out of the Mole Hole because Papa Mole and Mama Mole were still there smelling the maple syrup. So all he could smell was...







    [Prepare yourself.]














    [I warned you!]











    MOLASSES!
     
  19. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    My recipe for baked beans (odd how that has cropped up in two, unrelated posts here. Maybe I'm hungry?) includes the ingredient: Mole Asses.

    It was handed down, generation to generation, from my great grandmother. I'm unsure when the spelling was altered.
     
  20. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
    For those who have children this age, this is NOT funny.
    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a WARNING.
    For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

    The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas

    Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)

    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12. Super glue is forever.

    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade ... true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "... And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy sh**! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES
     
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