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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  2. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  3. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  4. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road
    They pass each other
    Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
    Man yells out window, " B I T C H! "
    Man rounds next curve
    Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

    Thought For The Day : If only men would listen!!!!!
     
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  5. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Sir Gwilym and his men returned to the king’s castle smiling bearing bags of gold and a dozen bodacious slave women. Fruits of plundering the land for a week.

    “Where have you been all this time, Sir Gwilym?” asked the king.

    “I have been robbing, raping and pillaging on your behalf all week, sire, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.”

    “But I don’t have any enemies in the north,” protested the king.

    “You have now, sire.”
     
  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  8. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
     
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  9. szaino

    szaino

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    And what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >

    He wiped his bum.
     
  10. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

    He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
     
  11. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  12. scatter

    scatter NES Member

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    Could there possibly be anything more appropriate than a Trouble Shooting section in the owner's manual for a gun?
     
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  13. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    Dupe but it's still funny.

     
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
    Lignum Vitea and namedpipes like this.
  14. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    Yes, but they call it a Special Forces Operations Guide.
     
  15. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A woman was sure that her husb...
    A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
    One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
    That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
    The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
    When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
    "No madam," said the gardener.
     
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  16. jct61765

    jct61765 NES Member

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    A young black kid asks his mother,
    "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"
    "Well, Child.....Socialism is
    when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff,
    you know.....like our free cell phones for each family
    member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school
    lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and
    on.....you know, that's Socialism."
    "But, mama, don't the
    white people get pissed off about that?"
    "Sure they do, Honey.
    That's called Racism."
     
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  17. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Once upon a time there was a family of moles - a Papa Mole, Mama Mole and a Baby Mole. They all lived in a Mole Hole. One day, the Papa Mole stuck his mole nose out of the hole and said:

    "Oh my, I smell maple syrup!"

    The Mama Mole stuck her head out of the hole and said:

    "Oh my, I smell maple syrup too!"

    The Baby Mole could not stick his nose out of the Mole Hole because Papa Mole and Mama Mole were still there smelling the maple syrup. So all he could smell was...







    [Prepare yourself.]














    [I warned you!]











    MOLASSES!
     
  18. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    My recipe for baked beans (odd how that has cropped up in two, unrelated posts here. Maybe I'm hungry?) includes the ingredient: Mole Asses.

    It was handed down, generation to generation, from my great grandmother. I'm unsure when the spelling was altered.
     
  19. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
    For those who have children this age, this is NOT funny.
    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a WARNING.
    For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

    The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas

    Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)

    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12. Super glue is forever.

    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade ... true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "... And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy sh**! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES
     
  20. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  21. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

    He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
     
  22. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

    Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

    All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

    Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”
     
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  23. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

    They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

    She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

    As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
     
  24. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A frustrated father talked to his work colleague about his kids and discipline.

    “When I was a youngster,” he said, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room he has a TV, a laptop, a game console, his cell phone, and a stereo.” After a moment he added, “And I bet he has a stash of snacks there too. We are starting to lose our minds, man, you know what I mean?”

    “Oh I do,” replied his colleague, “We’re dealing with the same struggle.”

    “So what do you do?” asked the first one.

    “We send him to our room!”
     
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  25. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    "Worst Jokes Ever"? Come on guys! Some of these are pretty good jokes.
     
  26. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    You're just addicted to shopping.

    At least half these "worst jokes" are ROFLMAO material. I'm STILL laughing at the "Things I Learned From My Children" post.
     
  27. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.

    The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.

    The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."

    The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

    "Then we both win," says the old man.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.

    The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.

    She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.

    After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on spot.

    Confused about what happened, the stylist put on the headphones and she heard the recording say “breath in, breath out.”

    Worst enough for the worst joke guys?
     
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  28. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?


    Fo drizzle
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2018
  29. Rob Boudrie

    Rob Boudrie

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    When I was first married, I mentioned that I needed a henway. Naturally, my wife asked me "What's a henway?" and I said "I dunno, 5 to 8 lbs, maybe".

    Then when I started to relay this story to a co-worker, she interrupted me to ask "what's a henway?".
     
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  30. tuna

    tuna NES Member

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    There's a boy named Carol.
    He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy.
    But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.
    She says yes, and he's so happy.
    After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.
    She says yes, and he's so happy.
    When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.
    The wife names the baby "Love".
    Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name.
    She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
    He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes.
    Love says he ruined her life.
    She shoots him and runs away.
    Finally the wife comes home, sees Carol lying on the ground, screams and runs to him.
    "Carol! What happened?!"
    He beckons her to come closer, and with his dying breath he whispers in her ear: "Shot through the heart. And you're to blame. Darling you gave Love a bad name."
     
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