Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

SKumar

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A surgeon and an internist are running down the hall of the hospital trying to make it to the elevator before the door closes. By the time they get there the door is almost shut so they have to react fast. The internist sticks his hand between the doors. The surgeon sticks in his head.
 

namedpipes

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Dear Deirdre.....
I have never written to you before but I really need your advice. I suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs.... the phone rings and if I answer, the caller hangs up, also she’s going out with the girls a lot and when you ask their names its "you don't know them.” I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check up on her. Around midnight I hid in the shed behind my tractor so to get a good view of the whole yard when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment when I crouched behind the tractor I noticed it. A hairline crack in the manifold right where it meets the exhaust. Is this something I can cast-iron weld myself or should I take it back to the main dealer?
 

namedpipes

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..... “it was then that I.... lost it”
 

EC1

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Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!!”

******
A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!”

******

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour ??
A man was granted two wishes by God.

He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
 

Acujeff

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A simple urine test can provide an enormous amount of medical condition information for males!!

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer’s
 

namedpipes

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MEMO:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01
RE: Christmas Party




I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 21, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!



Merry Christmas to you and your family.



Patty




MEMO:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02
RE: Holiday Party




In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.



Happy now?



Happy Holidays to you and your family.



Patty




MEMO:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03
RE: Holiday Party




Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?



Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.



NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Patty




MEMO:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 04
RE: Holiday Party






What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home
in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.


Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though.


We will have booster seats for short people.


Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high
blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!



Did I miss anything?!?!?



Patty





MEMO:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F#$*&%** Employees
DATE: October 05
RE: F&*%#$&* Holiday Party




Vegetarian pr*cks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f#[email protected]&*% salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,



The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!




MEMO:
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 06
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off on the 21st with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
 
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 

JayMcB

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 

Jason Flare

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. While this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"
 

nastynatural

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Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said,

"Screw him, give him a dollar."
 

namedpipes

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. While this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a beer. The drunk guy next to him says: "Do you want to know something cool? If you jump out the window here, the air current 10 floors down is so strong, it picks you up and pushes you through the window on that floor." The new guy doesn't believe it, so the drunk walks over to the window, and jumps out. 1. 2. 4. 6. 9. And at the 10th floor he flies in through the window. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again and says "see?" The new guy still isn't convinced and thinks it was a fluke. So the drunk orders a beer, finishes it and then jumps out the window again. 1. 2. 4. 6. 9. And at the 10th floor he flies in through the window again. Five minutes later and he's back. "WOW!" exclaims the newcomer, "Are you sure it's safe?" "Of course. It's simple physics." So the newcomer orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out. 1. 2. 4. 6. 9. 11. 14. 20. Splat. The drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar and orders another beer. The bartender looks over to the guy and says,

"You know, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
 

mcshooter

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Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except, perhaps... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The salesman repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be a very ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the shop door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the center.
Then the salesman said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was firmly stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police traffic car was close by and the officer immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me rigid.'
The officer glared at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass'
The rest, as they say, is history !!!!
 
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