Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

MaverickNH

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Three federally prohibited persons walk into a gun shop and tell the proprietor they want to buy guns.
The proprietor conducts NICS Background Checks on each as says sorry I can’t sell you guns.
Why not say the three?
You’re a felon, you’re a convicted domestic abuser and you have been adjudicated as mentally ill says the proprietor.
The three leave the gun shop, never try to buy guns anywhere again, and become honest, law-abiding citizens!
 

Spanz

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a car full of rowdy drunks pulls up along side them. "Hay , show us yer teets, you bloody penguins! " shouts one of the drunks.
Quit shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculeta, "I don't think that they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Immaculeta rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off ya fooken' wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculeta then rolled up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asked, "Did that sound cross enough?"
 

MaverickNH

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God to Angel: What are they doing down there?
Angel: Making almond milk.
God: Why?
Angel: Some people don’t like cow’s milk.
God: (Angry, Flipping over a Table) Didn’t I Make - what - eight animals that give milk?
 

milktree

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For you old timers:

Next time you put your car into reverse, make sure to say to your passengers:

"Ahhh... yea... this takes me back."
 

JayMcB

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if @Skysoldier was blind.....

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool, lights up a blunt, and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a shotgun.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…………’
 

Skysoldier

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if @Skysoldier was blind.....

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool, lights up a blunt, and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a shotgun.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…………’
LMAO! The only smart blondes I have ever met were Yellow Labs!
 

JayMcB

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People took time out of work, drove through a shitshow of traffic into Boston, overpaid to park in a shitty garage, sat for 7 hours in a hearing room, testified, and....their voice made a difference to the Deleo-robots on the committee, and they voted for freedom instead of statism.
 

42!

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People took time out of work, drove through a shitshow of traffic into Boston, overpaid to park in a shitty garage, sat for 7 hours in a hearing room, testified, and....their voice made a difference to the Deleo-robots on the committee, and they voted for freedom instead of statism.
WHAT!! details
 

Spanz

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone. It's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
 

milktree

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A German Shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

"But", the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
 
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