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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    That one is actually pretty damned good and does not qualify for inclusion in this thread!
     
  2. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    The Chinese have an expression. "When a woman reaches 40, her head falls off."

    Papa san has a few small delicate figurines on the table next to his chair. when he really gets upset, he picks up one of these and tosses it against the wall, breaking it. Mama san comes into the room with a dust pan and brush, sweeps up the broken pieces and dumps them in the trash. She then goes to the china closet, takes out a new small, delicate figurine and places it on the table next to his chair.

    I always get relief from being frustrated by breaking something, but the Chinese have taken this to extreme.
     
  3. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    There are two kinds of people:

    1) Those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data.
     
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  4. SeanT

    SeanT NES Member

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    What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?



    A zit waits until you’re 12 before it comes on your face
     
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  5. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

    Where's my tractor?
     
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  6. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

    None. Historians agree most pirates were illiterate.
     
  7. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Why is "6" afraid of "7"?

    It isn't Numbers and letters aren't sentient and can't feel fear.
     
  8. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    Dammit, it's "RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr"
     
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  9. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    This is the Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread, not the Good Ones thread!
     
  10. rcoolbaugh

    rcoolbaugh

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    There are THREE kinds of people : Those that can count and those who can't ...
     
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  11. Golddiggie

    Golddiggie NES Member

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    No, they just know the 'common core' math instead of real math... ;)
     
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  12. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    Noooooooo, 'tis the C
     
  13. milktree

    milktree NES Member

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    There are 10 kinds of people: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
     
  14. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    Kicked out of the petting zoo.
     
  15. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    I see you're one of those parents that have been disenfranchised from helping their offspring with homework, by the "new math" crap.

    I swear it's a deliberate attempt on the part of the "education" system to make the kids dependent on THEM and not their parents...
     
  16. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer.
    I don't know what he laced them with, but
    I was tripping all day.
     
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  17. Golddiggie

    Golddiggie NES Member

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    Nope, not a parent... Just know bullshit when I see it...
     
  18. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

    “I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”

    “Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.

    The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”

    Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

    “Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.

    “The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.

    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.

    “Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”

    “Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”

    “I put drops in her eyes!!”
     
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  19. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

    “Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”

    “Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
     
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  20. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

    After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location!’”
     
  21. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

    Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

    As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

    Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”
     
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  22. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    “Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

    I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

    Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

    It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

    Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
     
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  23. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

    “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

    “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What could be the bad news?”

    “The guy was your doctor.”
     
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  24. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.

    The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”

    “No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.

    The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”

    The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”

    “Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
     
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  25. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”
     
  26. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
    The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
    Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
    "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
    "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
     
  27. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE XS IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
     
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  28. Pete85

    Pete85

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    My box of MREs came with a vegetarian option. I'd gladly trade it for this one. I mean seriously...in a situation where I'm resorting to eating MREs, they really expect me to find a starving animal, feed it a vegetarian MRE, then kill and cook it so I can have a meal? That sounds like an awful lot of extra work.
     
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  29. scatter

    scatter NES Member

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    Are there really people who can't tell a green field from a cold steel rail? I've never had any problem with that.
     
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  30. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    How do mountains see?

    They peak.
     

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