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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
    to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
    __________________
     

  2. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them their beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

    Well, the Englishman pushes the beer aside and
    says, “That’s disgusting.”

    The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

    The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD.”
     
  3. milktree

    milktree NES Member

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    I was going to post a time traveling joke.
    But you guys didn't like it.
     
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  4. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

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    Don't you just wish....

    [​IMG]
     
  5. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."
     
  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

    She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

    “What’s the matter?” I asked.

    “There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

    “That’ll teach them!” I replied.
     
  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.

    It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:

    Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
     
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  8. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.

    The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

    The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.

    Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey! I see what your problem is….”
     
  9. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”

    However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

    His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    His response was:

    “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’

    If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

    And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘completely finished.'”
     
  10. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
    Student: “Eggs!”
    Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
    Student: “Bacon!”
    Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
    Student: “Homework!”
     
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  11. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

    The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

    In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

    The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
     
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  12. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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    What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

    It's pasture bedtime!
     
  13. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

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    Boo!
     
  14. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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    No, that's what the mama GHOST says to the baby ghost.
     
  15. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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  16. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”
     
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  17. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.

    He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.

    With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.

    There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

    “Leave them alone!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!”
     
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  18. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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  19. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH NES Life Member NES Member

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    A compelling argument as to why aliens have not visited us yet, is that our solar system only has a one-star rating.
     
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  20. Reptile

    Reptile NES Member

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    Have you heard about the dangerous sheep that escaped from Prison?

    They are on the lamb.
     
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  21. milktree

    milktree NES Member

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  22. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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    Ewe are awful!
     
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  23. EddieA

    EddieA NES Member

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    How'd you get the black eye?
    My wife was doing a crossword puzzle and asked me for a three letter word for a female sheep.
    I said Ewe.
     
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  24. Reptile

    Reptile NES Member

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    So, why did she hit you?
     
  25. EddieA

    EddieA NES Member

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    Irish redhead, with no sense of humor.
     
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  26. namedpipes

    namedpipes

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    Officer Friendly was on patrol one evening and noticed it was close to "Last Call" at the Tipsy Cow. Thinking to pickup an easy drunk driver or two he headed over and took up station in the parking lot.Just after the Open sign winked out, a patron stumbled out the door and proceeded in a zig zag pattern to his car, where he fished out his keys, dropped them, picked them and tried to unlock the door. When the door failed to open he peered closely at the car (a red Miata) and smacked himself on the head. He looked around the the lot and proceeded to a yellow Volkswagen and was somewhat more successful here, at least opening the door before falling on his butt.

    Meanwhile, other patron were filing out and leaving, while the highly inebriated man stood up, leaned on the car, burped and began to climb in.

    Officer Friendly approached, turned on his blue lights and informed the unfortunate drunkard that was would need to perform a sobriety test. The drunk looked at the offier and mumbled "Give it yer beshed shot!". The officer walked the drunk through several dexterity tests, which the man passed with ease. A bit puzzled, the officer produced a breathalyzer and told the drunkt o blow. He did and the machine read "0.0%".

    The officer asked the man, if you're not drunk how did you have so much trouble getting into your car?

    The now well spoken man straightened up and pronounced, "I'm tonight's designated decoy."

    The parking lot was now empty of everyone but the man and the officer...
     
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  27. SKumar

    SKumar NES Member

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    A man tells his attorney that he wants to divorce his wife.
    The attorney asks " why do you want a divorce?"
    The man replied: "My wife told me I'm a lousy lover"
    The attorney said " You can't divorce your wife because she said you're a lousy lover."
    The man responded " Im not divorcing my wife because of what she said... Im divorcing her because she knows the difference."

    [hmmm]
     
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  28. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    George Clooney, Leo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughy got together to make a movie
    Clooney says "I'll direct"
    DiCaprio says "I'll produce"
    Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"
     
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  29. Sauer Grapes

    Sauer Grapes NES Member

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    Mutton happening here, move along!
     
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  30. SKumar

    SKumar NES Member

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    Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
    -----------
    There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
    -----------
    A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
    -----------
    What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
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    Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
    -----------
    An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
    -----------
    A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
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    PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
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    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
    -----------
    Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
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    How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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    Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
    Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
    Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."
    -----------
    Q: Is Google male or female?
    A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion!
    -----------
    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
    -----------
    How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
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    A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
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    A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
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    One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!
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    Three women were trapped on an island. They needed to get across the water to the mainland. They came across a genie who said, "I will grant you ladies three wishes." The first woman said, "Turn me into a fish" and she swam across the water to the other island. The second woman said, "Give me a boat" and she rowed to the other side. The third woman said, "Turn me into a man" and she walked across the bridge.
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    What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
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    A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

    The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

    On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
    -----------


    and one for @Sauer Grapes
    A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.” :D
     

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