1. If you enjoy the forum please consider supporting it by signing up for a NES Membership  The benefits pay for the membership many times over.

  2. Dismiss Notice

Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    8,314
    Likes Received:
    4,788
    Location:
    Berkshires
    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
    to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
    __________________
     

  2. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    8,314
    Likes Received:
    4,788
    Location:
    Berkshires
    An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them their beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

    Well, the Englishman pushes the beer aside and
    says, “That’s disgusting.”

    The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

    The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD.”
     
  3. milktree

    milktree NES Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    Messages:
    3,927
    Likes Received:
    1,207
    I was going to post a time traveling joke.
    But you guys didn't like it.
     
    SKumar, silversquirrel, Emoto and 5 others like this.
  4. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2005
    Messages:
    18,167
    Likes Received:
    3,180
    Location:
    Western Mass
    Don't you just wish....

    [​IMG]
     
  5. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    3,398
    Likes Received:
    1,580
    Location:
    North Shore
    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."
     
  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

    She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

    “What’s the matter?” I asked.

    “There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

    “That’ll teach them!” I replied.
     
    nastynatural, Jason Flare and kelton like this.
  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.

    It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:

    Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
     
    Jason Flare likes this.
  8. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.

    The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

    The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.

    Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey! I see what your problem is….”
     
  9. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”

    However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

    His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    His response was:

    “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’

    If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

    And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘completely finished.'”
     
  10. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
    Student: “Eggs!”
    Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
    Student: “Bacon!”
    Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
    Student: “Homework!”
     
    SKumar and Jason Flare like this.
  11. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

    The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

    In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

    The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
     
    milktree and Jason Flare like this.
  12. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
    What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

    It's pasture bedtime!
     
  13. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2005
    Messages:
    18,167
    Likes Received:
    3,180
    Location:
    Western Mass
    Boo!
     
  14. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
    No, that's what the mama GHOST says to the baby ghost.
     
  15. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
  16. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”
     
    SKumar likes this.
  17. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    8,366
    Likes Received:
    15,196
    Location:
    Hills of Western Ma.
    An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.

    He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.

    With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.

    There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

    “Leave them alone!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!”
     
    Jason Flare and SKumar like this.
  18. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
  19. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH NES Life Member NES Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2007
    Messages:
    2,411
    Likes Received:
    1,089
    Location:
    SW NH
    A compelling argument as to why aliens have not visited us yet, is that our solar system only has a one-star rating.
     
    SKumar, Jason Flare and milktree like this.
  20. Reptile

    Reptile NES Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2006
    Messages:
    12,517
    Likes Received:
    2,898
    Have you heard about the dangerous sheep that escaped from Prison?

    They are on the lamb.
     
    namedpipes likes this.
  21. milktree

    milktree NES Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    Messages:
    3,927
    Likes Received:
    1,207
     
    KBCraig likes this.
  22. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
    Ewe are awful!
     
  23. EddieA

    EddieA NES Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2014
    Messages:
    1,219
    Likes Received:
    561
    Location:
    On an island in the sun
    How'd you get the black eye?
    My wife was doing a crossword puzzle and asked me for a three letter word for a female sheep.
    I said Ewe.
     
    namedpipes likes this.
  24. Reptile

    Reptile NES Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2006
    Messages:
    12,517
    Likes Received:
    2,898
    So, why did she hit you?
     
  25. EddieA

    EddieA NES Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2014
    Messages:
    1,219
    Likes Received:
    561
    Location:
    On an island in the sun
    Irish redhead, with no sense of humor.
     
  26. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    28,972
    Likes Received:
    10,722
    Location:
    PREM
    Officer Friendly was on patrol one evening and noticed it was close to "Last Call" at the Tipsy Cow. Thinking to pickup an easy drunk driver or two he headed over and took up station in the parking lot.Just after the Open sign winked out, a patron stumbled out the door and proceeded in a zig zag pattern to his car, where he fished out his keys, dropped them, picked them and tried to unlock the door. When the door failed to open he peered closely at the car (a red Miata) and smacked himself on the head. He looked around the the lot and proceeded to a yellow Volkswagen and was somewhat more successful here, at least opening the door before falling on his butt.

    Meanwhile, other patron were filing out and leaving, while the highly inebriated man stood up, leaned on the car, burped and began to climb in.

    Officer Friendly approached, turned on his blue lights and informed the unfortunate drunkard that was would need to perform a sobriety test. The drunk looked at the offier and mumbled "Give it yer beshed shot!". The officer walked the drunk through several dexterity tests, which the man passed with ease. A bit puzzled, the officer produced a breathalyzer and told the drunkt o blow. He did and the machine read "0.0%".

    The officer asked the man, if you're not drunk how did you have so much trouble getting into your car?

    The now well spoken man straightened up and pronounced, "I'm tonight's designated decoy."

    The parking lot was now empty of everyone but the man and the officer...
     
    Jason Flare likes this.

Share This Page