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Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Archaeologists recently discovered a dinosaur that is thought to have been very intelligent. It's called the Thesaurus.
A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his weekly check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year”
The guy says, “You’re joking me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!!”
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’
‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’
‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’
‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for gonorrhea. We can’t tell which is which.’
‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.
‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’
‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’
‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
A cowboy wakes up from a long night of heavy drinking still hungover, cotton-mouthed and with a strong desire to urinate.
He stumbles over to the toilet to relieve himself.
He looks down and sees a red ring and a brown ring around his member.
Worried, he calls the doctor who tells him to come in right away.
During the examination to doctor takes a swab of the red ring and the brown rings and says, "I'll take these to the lab and be right back!"
A few minutes later the doc comes back and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."
The cowboys replies, "Give me the good news first."
"Ok" says the doc, "The good new is that the red ring is lipstick."
"So what is the bad news?" inquires the cowboy.
Taking a deep breath the doc says,
"The brown ring is tobacco juice."
A guy walks into the bar with his pet alligator.
He asks the bartender "Do you serve Democrats here?".
The bartender replies "yes".
The man answers "Great - I'll have a martini and my alligator here will have a Democrat".
the original version of this joke did not use Democrat as the subject.
My parrot died today.
It's last words were "Damn, I think my parrot is about to die."
It's not dead, just resting!
My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height. So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.
I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
A man and a hot woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
The man on the top bunk and the hottie on the bottom bunk.
During the night, man woke and asked “Sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me the 2nd blanket, I’m freezing!”
“I have a better idea” she replied, “Why don’t we pretend we are married?”
“Wow what a great idea!” he said.
“Good” she said, “Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!”
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “…Who said you iron better than I?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
She got her raise.
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo,
when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the **** made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald! Duck!”
Lots of dupes!
"Then afterwards I’m going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink."
You are not planning on getting lucky tonight, are you.
Rosie Palm and her five friends.
I thought I was going to get laid on the cruise ship but I got blown off shore.
Fellatio Cruise Lines - "We promise that your cruise will provide you with a happy ending!"
People are shocked at my poor skills as an electrician.
Where does a pirate learn to fly?
The Arrrr Force.
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about nuclear power?” he smiled.
“OK,” she said, “that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the blonde replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know crap?”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”
An older man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application for the benefit. He doesn’t have a birth certificate, or an ID to prove his age so he opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest. They accept that as a proof of his age and eligibility. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Separate names with a comma.