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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question lik…e that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
    Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
    Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
    One, you have a dirty mind.
    Two, you didn’t read your homework.
    And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
     
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  2. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH NES Life Member NES Member

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    I started reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
    It wasn't very good at first, but after a while I really liked it a lot.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
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  3. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH NES Life Member NES Member

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    Tonight for dinner I had possum soup made from Himalayan possum, because I found him a laying on the road.
     
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  4. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Why do fish live in salt water?

    Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
     
  5. Acujeff

    Acujeff NES Member

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    Zimmerman goes to see his Doctor.

    The Doctor says "I don't know how to tell you...but you'll have to stop masturbating".

    Zimmerman asks "why is that?"

    The Doctor replies "so I can examine you".
     
  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?

    A: She moved.
     
  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    An old rich woman one day decided to test her three Sons-in-law.

    One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

    The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings “Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!”

    Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.

    The second son-in-law too jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings “Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!”

    The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

    The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wordings, “Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!
     
  8. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

    The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

    With just $1 left, she realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. ” How will she know what you mean, if you only send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
    The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it very slowly.”
     
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  9. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    There was this little boy who went to a Catholic school in Michigan. One day at school he went to a nun and said, “I would like to have a brand red bicycle.”

    The nun said, “Before you go to bed tonight, when you get on you knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle.”

    So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, “God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen.”

    He got into bed and thought to himself, “Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!”

    So he got back on his knees and said, “God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle.”

    Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, “There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!”

    So he got back on his knees and said, “Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!”

    Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked put the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.

    He said, “Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle.”
     
  10. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

    Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

    Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

    Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

    The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

    Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

    The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

    Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

    “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
     
  11. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A rich man had a party. He showed his guests his pool filled with alligators and announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
    No one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash. A man was swimming like a hell across the pool and he came out alive at the other end.
    So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?”
    The man replied, “Give me the shotgun, some bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in.
     
  12. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself “I’m the smartest woman ever!” She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself “I’m the prettiest woman alive! ” She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself “I think...” and dropped dead.
     
  13. KBCraig

    KBCraig NES Member

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    Who was Oscar the Grouch's favorite baseball player?

    Joe Garbagiola.
     
  14. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    In 2017, the top dog breed on Google was the Golden Retriever.

    Second and third place went to the Silver and Bronze Retrievers.
     
  15. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get the No Bell Prize.
     
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  16. 42!

    42! NES Life Member NES Member

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    I think I just died a little
     
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  17. JayMcB

    JayMcB NES Member

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    People thought the Patriots could win today
     
  18. bfm

    bfm NES Member

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    Well....
     
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  19. bottle-cap

    bottle-cap NES Member

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    And they were right!!
     
  20. Wickedcoolname

    Wickedcoolname

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    I once got a hand job from a blind girl. She said it was the biggest one she ever felt. I said "you're pulling my leg".
     
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  21. JayMcB

    JayMcB NES Member

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    it's 'worst jokes'
     
  22. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

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    Did someone say "wurst" jokes.

    Old Mrs Olzewski went down to the local Polish Deli one day to get some sausage for dinner. She told the clerk that she needed a nice sausage to make a special dinner for her family. The young man picked one out and told her that this one should be what she needed.

    Well, she went home but returned about two days later, demanding to see the deli owner, Mr. Krakow.

    "Mr Krakow" she stated in an angry tone "The sausage your clerk sold to me the other day was defective."

    "How so?" Mr Krakow replied.

    "Well, I cooked it that night and served it for dinner. The first few slices were very tasty. But as we went on the slices had less meat and more filler in it. And when we got to the end it was all cereal, grain, and other stuff and frankly it tasted like sawdust! How could you sell me such a thing?"

    Well, Krakow's head hung down and he started to apologize.

    "Times are getting tough and business has been very bad lately Mrs Olzewski. It is harder to get good help and materials and food products are more expensive and people want more for less."

    "Frankly Mrs Olzewski it's getting impossible to make both ends meat."
     
  23. Pete85

    Pete85

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    Did you see the article today about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? It said his wife took it really hard.
     
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  24. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

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    Q: What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?


    A: First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.
     
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  25. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Life Member NES Member

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    Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

    A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
     
  26. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH NES Life Member NES Member

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    A survey concluded that 94% of men prefer to receive fellatio for the simple fact of the peace and quiet it provides.
     
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  27. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do.

    Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
     
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  28. Pete85

    Pete85

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    Nancy Pelosi is riding in her limo through a town one day, when her driver stops short and she hears a loud thud. Getting out to look, they both discover that the limo driver has hit a mother dog that was gathering food for her puppies. Looking at the dog's tags, the could see that they were stopped right in front of the hose of the owner. Pelosi immediately orders the driver to go to the house and tell the owners what has happened. The driver knocks on the door and the owner asks him to come in. Nancy waits for three hours before the driver finally returns. She asks him what took him so long, to which he replies: "Well first the wife insisted on making me a gourmet meal, with thick T-bone steaks, garlic mashed potatoes, assorted vegetables and a homemade apple pie for desert. Then the man insisted on cracking a bottle of the finest top shelf scotch and sharing that with me. Then their daughter, recently home from college insisted on making the most passionate love to me that I've ever experienced. After that, they all thanked me and invited me to come back anytime I wanted to." Pelosi is dumbfounded that after the driver killed their dog the family was so friendly and generous to him. She asked him what he told them that made them so jubilant, to which he replied: "I just knocked on the door and said 'Hi, I'm Nancy Pelosi's limo driver and I just killed that bitch out in front of your house."
     
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  29. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
    2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.
    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
     
  30. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    I gave away my dead batteries, free of charge!
     
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