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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  2. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  3. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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  4. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” He didn’t seem suspicious in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh crap!’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
     
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  5. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

    They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

    At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”

    They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”

    They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
     
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  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    There were 2 hunters from Mass. hunting together one day. One of the men dropped dead and the other man started to freak out so he called 911.

    When the call came through the operator answered “Hello, what’s the emergency?”

    “Well a buddy of mine dropped dead what do I do?”

    “OK first you have to clam down then make sure that he is actually dead”.

    There are some deep breaths on the line followed by a brief silence and then a gun shot. Then, the voice comes back to the phone and says, “OK now what?”
     
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  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    “What’s this?” he says.

    “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone to call an ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

    The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, sitting on the closet floor.

    “You idiot,” the man says, “my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
     
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  8. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    According to Google trends, the most searched zodiac sign is Aquarius.

    In other news, the Leos are feeling unappreciated, the Scorpios are jealous, the Libras are just trying to keep everyone happy and the Capricorns are refusing to accept the results.
     
  9. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  10. Yazz

    Yazz NES Member

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    What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada:
    Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
    In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church
    Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
    After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
    But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church......

    "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
    In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
    The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
     
  11. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"

    The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."

    The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"

    The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
     
  12. Acujeff

    Acujeff NES Member

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    Zimmerman is seeing his doctor.

    Zimmerman has a carrot in one nostril and a string bean in the other nostril.

    He has an asparagus spear in one ear and a stalk of celery in the other ear.

    The Doctor looks at him and says " I don't think you are eating properly".
     
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  13. Mountain

    Mountain NES Member

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    When I was a young teen, my family took a tour of the San Diego Wild Animal Park. It was a slow day, and my brother and I were the only kids on the trolley / bus. The tour guide told a couple slightly off color jokes and the few folks on the bus egged him on for more. As we approached the primate habitats he said,

    "And to our left is the orangutang. The orangutang is... (blah blah blah, several details about the species). But, if you look VERY closely you will see that his balls are made of brass! Listen, as he swings through the trees, 'O-RANG-U-TANG-U-TANG-U-TANG!'"

    I shit you not- the guide actually told this joke during our tour. We laughed so hard our eyes were watering- not so much that the joke was funny but because he told it on a public tour.
     
  14. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    The story goes that cannonballs used to be stored aboard ship in piles, on a brass frame or tray called a 'monkey'. In very cold weather the brass would contract, spilling the cannonballs: hence very cold weather is 'cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey'.

    What is the origin of the term 'brass... | Oxford Dictionaries
     
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  15. EddieA

    EddieA NES Member

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    Always thought it was a "garland", made of rope.
     
  16. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
    They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

    What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
    Snowballs.

    Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
    He only comes once a year.
     
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  17. one-eyed Jack

    one-eyed Jack Manufacturer Dealer NES Member

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    And then it's down the chimney Jack.
     
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  18. scatter

    scatter NES Member

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    Saw a sign on a shop today that said "Watch Batteries Installed $5".

    Who would pay that just to watch batteries installed?
     
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  19. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. If he turned the isle, she turned with him.
    She finally overtook him at the checkout, she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven‘t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”


    He answered, “That’s okay.”

    “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

    “That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

    “How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”

    The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”
     
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  20. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. The wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

    One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

    “My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
     
  21. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A woman is taking a bath when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

    “Can I come in?” a male voice asks.

    “Who is it?” the woman asks.

    “It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.

    The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door without a cover, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.

    The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great boobs! Now where would you like the blinds?”
     
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  22. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    1. Why Birds Fly
      Q: Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?
      A: It’s much easier than walking!
    2. Smarter Than a Parrot
      Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
      A: A spelling bee.
    3. The Hospitalized Banana
      Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
      A: He was peeling really bad.
    4. The Friendly Ocean
      Q: How does the ocean say hello?
      A: It waves.
    5. The Fake Noodle
      Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
      A: An im-pasta
    6. The Problem With Atoms
      Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?
      A: They make up everything.
     
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  23. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room at a doctor’s office and approached the desk.

    The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

    ‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’

    ‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.

    ‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.

    Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out and came back again after a moment.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

    ‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.

    ‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.

    ‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
     
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  24. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
     
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  25. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

    About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

    The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
     
  26. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

    When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

    “Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”

    “Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
     
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  27. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

    Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

    "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

    "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

    The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

    -----------------------------------


    A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."

    The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

    -----------------------------------


    Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

    A: They take the psychopath.

    -------------------------------------


    A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

    The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
     
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  28. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

    My eyes lit up as I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and hammered it home; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still bunched up around her neck.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “what was that nice surprise about?”


    She explained, “The egg timer’s broken!!!
     
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  29. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Old timer Joe sat in his garden, relaxing in the deck chair when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing. The boy said that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

    “If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Joe.

    His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back into the hole. Joe was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, grabbing the hair spray and went indoors.

    About an half hour later Joe came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars.

    “But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”

    “I know, that’s from your grandma,” said Joe.
     
  30. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
    “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

    “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

    Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
     
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