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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  2. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  3. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
    "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
    "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
    "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
     
  4. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

    A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
     
  5. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

    The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"
     
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  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

    “I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

    “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

    With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

    “Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”

    She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
     
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  7. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Two hunters were dragging their recently shot deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.

    As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.

    So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.

    About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”

    The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”
     
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  8. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    The professor was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over."

    A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more about Rosy.”
     
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  9. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    Husband takes his wife to her 25th high school reunion.

    After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. Then the band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

    There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break-dancing, moon-walking, back-flips, buying drinks for people – the works!

    The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy?” Her husband nods.

    Wife says: “Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

    Husband says: “Looks like he's still celebrating!”
     
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  10. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!
     
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  11. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the guy drank a little more than usual.

    The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he pulls himself up and falls flat on his face once again.

    He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand. This time he manages to get himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

    He awakens the next morning to his angry wife standing over him shouting loudly.“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!"

    “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
     
  12. StevieP

    StevieP NES Member

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  13. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    I just bought a new Ford 350 Penta-Flex Fuel Truck.

    It'll run on Diesel, Hydrogen, Kerosene, Gasoline, or E85.

    I had to take it back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

    The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

    'Nelson', the technician said to the radio.

    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

    I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music,

    and if I said, 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Well, yesterday, a woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.

    I yelled at her, 'Crazy Bitch!'

    The radio replied, “HILLARY, FORD, MAXINE, WARREN, OR PELOSI ?”

    I love this truck..
     
  14. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
    The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
    So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
    The king replied:
    "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
    So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to hang the meteorologist.
    Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal
    forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."
    So the king hired the donkey.
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
    The practice is unbroken to this date.
    Thus, the democrat party...symbol was born!
     
  15. Pete85

    Pete85

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    I'm laughing my ass off at this one. I had a very close call this morning when a woman ran a stop sign and I almost nailed her. Almost instinctively, the first words out of my mouth were "What the f***, you crazy bitch". If my radio had responded like that, I'd probably be dead from laughing so hard.

    Also, I think Buckcherry would have been an acceptable response from the radio!
     
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  16. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  17. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
     
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  18. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

    The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

    The old farmer told him he had buried them.

    The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

    The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
     
  19. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Because in space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
     
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  20. drgrant

    drgrant Moderator NES Member

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  21. cockpitbob

    cockpitbob NES Member

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    Two old British guys were riding the train home from London. Both are pretty hard of hearing. In the loud train their conversation went something like this:

    {Both hear conductor yell out something.}
    #1: Is the Wembley?

    #2: No, it's Thursday.

    #1: So am I. Let's get off at the next stop and have a pint.
     
  22. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

    This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

    He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch d**ks!"
     
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  23. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

    His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

    Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who f**ks the stork?"
     
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  24. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a fine young, lovely sexy thing.

    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

    She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

    Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

    Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”
     
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  25. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, kissed her and gave her a quick feel.

    She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

    “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

    “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
     
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  26. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

    “Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained.

    “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”

    He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”
     
  27. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    They use a cow-culator.
     
  28. mass

    mass NES Member

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    Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?









    They blessed the brains down in Africa.
     
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  29. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  30. PaulR

    PaulR NES Member

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