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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    During their annual audit, corporate security personnel found that the blonde receptionist had a very unusual password:

    cinderellagrumpymickeysupermanplutopopeyesleepytinkerbellsacramento

    She was called into the manager's office and asked to explain her choice of passwords.

    She looked indignant and said, "Well Duh!! Security policy says the password has to be at least eight characters and one capital !!".
     
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  2. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

    If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

    If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

    If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    Why is the word abbreviation so long?

    If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

    Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

    What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

    Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

    Is it possible to be totally partial?

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

    Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

    How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

    Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

    Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    What is the speed of dark?

    How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

    After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

    What's another word for synonym?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    How can there be self-help groups?

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

    Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Where are preparations A through G?

    If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?

    When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

    What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

    If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a bunch of purples.

    Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
     
  3. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  4. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Due to a fascination with The Rolling Stones I taught myself to read upside down.

    To be clear, I mean with the book upside down, not me.

    Yes, a pointless talent. We only had one channel on the TV.
     
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  5. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  6. milktree

    milktree NES Member

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    Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant.

    Patient: I'm pregnant?!?!?

    Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
     
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  7. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

    On your right side is a sharp drop off.

    And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

    Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

    Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?











    Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
     
  8. Pete85

    Pete85

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    My wife told me "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get a dozen." Man, was she ever pissed when I came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
     
  9. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But every night, I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now, we have a $750,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and an 80-inch flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old saggy woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

    After a moment of pause, the wife replied, “Why don’t you go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
     
  10. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, but after a few minutes she eventually “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
    I said “WHAT????!!! What was that?!”
    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
    We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.
    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!”
    I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
     
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  11. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Minnesota and park themselves on a bar
    stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
    I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
    while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent
    a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the
    beer, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's
    beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
    arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
     
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  12. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  13. Howland

    Howland

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    Not pointless. I once went into the HR Directors office. I was seated in a chair in front of her desk. On her desk was a completed survey showing job functions and salaries. I can read upside down.

    That talent put money in my pocket.
     
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  14. smokey-seven

    smokey-seven NES Member

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    I read upside down very well. It makes money when dealing with lawyers.
     
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  15. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

    “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

    “Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

    So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
     
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  16. jct61765

    jct61765 NES Member

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    A young black kid asks his mother,
    "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"
    "Well, Child.....Socialism is
    when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff,
    you know.....like our free cell phones for each family
    member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school
    lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and
    on.....you know, that's Socialism."
    "But, mama, don't the
    white people get pissed off about that?"
    "Sure they do, Honey.
    That's called Racism."
    (Never more simply explained.)
     
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  17. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

    She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”
     
  18. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  19. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A couple had their first baby. After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father. It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor. After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper. “I don’t understand “the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!”
     
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  20. Fritz the Cat

    Fritz the Cat NES Member

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    The kid next door, Johnny, came by trick or treating. He was dressed as a pirate. I ask him "Where are your buccaneers?"
    Johnny says "Under my buckin' hat!"
     
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  21. appraiser

    appraiser

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  22. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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  23. appraiser

    appraiser

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  24. Qwikdraw45

    Qwikdraw45

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    Shouldn't that be in the "WTF is wrong with Florida" thread? [smile]

    But seriously, if they don't vote in Gillum/King and vote out Nelson, things might not be so bad. It won't be as much like South Massachusetts/Connecticut/NY.
     
  25. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
     
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  26. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

    Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

    He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

    A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short.”
     
  27. Fritz the Cat

    Fritz the Cat NES Member

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    Did you hear about the skinny kid that went prospecting in the wilds of Alaska?









    He came back a husky f*cker.
     
  28. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    What's the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?

    On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election day, you get a turkey for four years.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Did you know the Pilgrims came over on smoke-colored ships designed by a guy named Valentine?

    Yep, they were gray V-boats.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

    He lost track of thyme.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Where do turkey's go to dance?

    The Butterball.
     
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  29. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  30. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

    After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

    “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

    Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
     

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