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Official Worst Jokes Ever Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Blitz1, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man was walking down the street. All of a sudden he heard a loud voice say “Stop! Stand Still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

    He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

    “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

    “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

    “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where he heck were you when I got married?”
     
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  2. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

    “Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”…………..A scream then silence followed.

    Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.

    One angry passenger yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, you should see the back of mine!!!”
     
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  3. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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    A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
    The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
    “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
    “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”
     
  4. Pete85

    Pete85

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    A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to his doctor. After running a few tests, the doctor comes in and tell the man "I've got some bad news for you. You have rabies, and quite an advanced case at that. At this point, there is nothing we can do to treat you. You are going to die very soon." Shocked by this diagnosis, the man pauses for a few minutes and asks the doctor for a pen and a piece of paper. The doctor obliges and grants the request. The man feverishly starts writing something. The doctor asks if the man is writing his last will and testament, to which the man replies "No, I'm just making a list of all the people I'm going to bite."
     
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  5. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    Incorrectly is always spelled incorrectly unless it's spelled incorrectly.
     
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  6. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  7. Pete85

    Pete85

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    Shouldn't that have a #METOO at the end?
     
  8. Pete85

    Pete85

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    A man has been having urinary tract problems and goes to his doctor who refers him to a urologist. The man meets with the urologist who turns out to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. The urologist begins the exam and after a few minutes, writes something in his chart and then says "You really need to stop masturbating." Taken aback, the man asks "why?", to which the urologist responds "because I'm trying to examine you now."
     
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  9. milktree

    milktree NES Member

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    No.. "#MOOTOO"
     
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  10. FPrice

    FPrice Retired Zoomie NES Member

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    You sir have won the internet for tonight. Congratulations.
     
  11. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  12. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  13. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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  14. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  15. Jason Flare

    Jason Flare NES Member

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    Think about this instead:

    "If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
    If you´re not into yoga, if you have half a brain
    If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
    I´m the love that you´ve looked for, write to me, and escape"
     
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  16. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  17. garandman

    garandman Instructor NES Member

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  18. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    "Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
    such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
    a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
    the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
    This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

    .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

    .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    .. The batteries were given out free of charge.

    .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    .. A will is a dead giveaway.

    .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    .. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    .. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    .. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    .. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    .. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

    .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

    .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    And the cream of the twisted crop:

    .. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
     
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  19. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Once upon a time, there lived a King.
    The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
    But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
    No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone,
    Anything she touched would melt.
    Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
    The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
    He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
    The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
    The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
    THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
    The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
    But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
    The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
    But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
    The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
    The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
    The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
    And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

    M&M's of course.
    They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
    What were you thinking??
    I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!
     
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  20. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  21. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  22. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  23. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.
    He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!
     
  24. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?

    A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.
    `````````````````````````````````````````````````
    Q: Why don't farts graduate from high school?

    A: Because they always end up getting expelled!
    `````````````````````````````````````````````````
    Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

    A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
    `````````````````````````````````````````````````
    Q: Why don't you fart in church?

    A: Because you have to sit in your pew.
    `````````````````````````````````````````````````
    Farting on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

    `````````````````````````````````````````````````
     
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  25. cockpitbob

    cockpitbob NES Member

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    ^^^^^ Reminds me of one of the finest moments in Senate hearings.
     
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  26. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
    "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
     
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  27. namedpipes

    namedpipes NES Member

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    Question: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

    It's pointless.
     
  28. Lignum Vitea

    Lignum Vitea

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  29. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    My neighbors Chris & Betsy, the two cute, young,
    lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

    I was quite surprised when they gave me a Timex!

    It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they
    misunderstood me, when I said:

    "I wanna watch"
     
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  30. chrbla2000

    chrbla2000 NES Member

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    Heh, I was looking for a punchline that contained: takes a licken' but keeps on ticken'
     

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