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Not to whore up TypeO's thread...so let the jokes begin.

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by C-pher, Jan 31, 2006.

  1. C-pher

    C-pher

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    As most of us are married. I think that it's only fair to give him the same amount of greef as we got when we were getting married.

    So, let's all get together and celebrate him getting married with a few jokes.

    So, I'll start off with some friendly advice to remember when getting married.

    Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).

    And just remember that a happy marriage is a matter of give and take.

    The husband gives and the wife takes.


    And that Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is just the alarm clock.


    And on a final note. As you are young and I'm sure that you're going to be working for many different people. I want you to remember one thing.
    It doesn't matter how often you change your job, you still ends up with the same boss. :D


    Congrats and I really do hope you live a long and happy life with her....



    Now let the roasting begin!
     

  2. Adam_MA

    Adam_MA

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    All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her
    down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
    the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

    The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
    laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly.

    As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
    back a credit card.
     
  3. Cptn5spd

    Cptn5spd

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    The 3 rings of marriage
    - the engagement ring
    - the wedding ring
    - then the suffering

    I have only heard since I am not married, congrats TypeO
     
  4. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Moderator NES Member

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    I've been happily married for five and a half years.


    Five and a half out of 38 isn't bad.
     
  5. Nickle

    Nickle

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    The wife and I have been married 30 years. Just think, if one of us had shot the other instead, they'd be out of prison by now. 8)
     
  6. Moderator

    Moderator Moderator NES Member

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    Hey, I'm not going to let that get in the way of me having fun now. Whore it up




    "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
    - Groucho Marx

    "A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
    - Duane Dewel

    "The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."
    - Colin Chapman

    "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
    - Woody Allen

    "Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
    - Ogden Nash

    "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
    - Rodney Dangerfield

    "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
    - Patrick Murray

    "Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
    - Al Bundy(Married with Children - U.S. T.V. Show)

    "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor

    "The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
    - S. T. Coleridge

    "I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again."
    - Noel Coward

    "I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year."
    - Bette Davis

    "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
    - Henry Youngman

    "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
    - Sam Kinison

    "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
    - Jimmy Durante

    "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
    - James Holt McGavran

    "Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener."
    - Pauline Thomason

    "Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."
    - G. K. Chesterton

    "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
    - Sacha Guitry
     
  7. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Moderator NES Member

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    My brother worked in a prison - true story.

    One of the inmates was in his late 70's. Bro said he seemed like a very nice guy. One day he asked him why he was in prison. Inmate said he killed his wife of over 50 years.

    Bro said, why did you do that? You and she are old. All you had to do was wait a few years and one of you would be gone.

    Inmate says, yup you're probably right, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

    Bro says, that's too bad.

    Inmate says, yup, but it is nice and quiet in here.

    True !
     
  8. Moderator

    Moderator Moderator NES Member

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    Thanks dude, your the man. You know they say this shit is contageous, like having babys. Do I see you and D in the future?
     
  9. C-pher

    C-pher

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    That's funny that you say that.

    Nicolle and I had our first, then two of our friends had one. Then we got pregnant again and lost that one, but while she was pregnant that first time, one of the above friends got preggo again as well. They had thiers, then we were pregnant agian. Then we found out that her brother's wife was pregnant, then her best friend, then her brother's best friend.

    Now, when my first kid has her third birthday there's going to be Nine kids at my house. That's going from three on her second birthday party.

    It's like jumping into the pool. Once one person does it, everyone does.
     
  10. Weerd Beard

    Weerd Beard

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    Henny Youngman had the best marraige one-liners!

    Were most of the ones you posted by Youngman, C-Pher?

    Arrr

    -Weer'd Beard
     
  11. C-pher

    C-pher

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    Honestly I don't know. Those were just the ones that I remember people telling me over the time. And I went to an old e-mail that someone sent me when I got married the second time and just changed the name to TypeO. [shock]
     
  12. Mike1911

    Mike1911

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    Not married but living with my little lady for 17 years. Why not married you ask? Long story but it boils down to she'd lose her disability benefits if she married. She gets free medical, with perscriptions for life.

    Anyway, we're in our 50's I'm disabled and can't work.

    I enjoy: shooting, computers, photography and long drives

    She enjoys: reading, cooking, baking and annoying me

    We BOTH enjoy SEX. Yup, several times a week as a matter of fact. 17 years and it's not boring, never has been. Why? It's call L-O-V-E.
     
  13. Adam_MA

    Adam_MA

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    GOD love you both! :D :D :D
     
  14. C-pher

    C-pher

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    Yep, Preach ON!
     

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