dwarven1
Lonely Mountain Arms
From an ex-SEAL buddy of mine.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't
find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
26. Trident Submarine: Receives NCA authorization to launch on snake, brings submarine to launch depth, launches a Trident II D5 ICBM on snake's co-ordinates. Warhead homes in on snake's position using Inertial guidance, Stellar Sighting, GPS and a AAA map and detonates 12 MIRVed warheads on snake's position and kills snake by landing on it. Other snakes caught on the fringes of the blast give birth to mutated snakes in the next year giving Hollywood new monster to make a movie about. And gives Japan national nightmares about what else could hatch.
------------------------------------
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:
1) The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2) The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
3) The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
4) The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Bonus two:
a) A Pfc with a badge.
b) A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy is running around in a public bathroom and stops dead in his tracks when a marine walks in the door in full uniform.
The little boy says, "Wow, a you a real Marine?"
"Why yes I am, would you like to wear my hat?"
"Boy would I ever Mister, Thanks" and so the marine hands the hat over and walks into the nearest stall.
The little boy continues to run around the bathroom when in walks a Sailor in full uniform. The little boy again stops dead in his tracks and says, "Wow are you a real Sailor?"
"Why yes I am, would you like to hold my dick?"
The little boy looks at him and says "Oh no sir, I'm not a real marine, I'm just borrowing his hat."
and for all the marines out there here is another joke that might make you laugh:
Why does the Navy use powedered soap in the shower?
Because it takes longer to pick up.
-----------------------------------------------------
US Marine Corps Rules of Engagement:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with "4".
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair f! ight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules of Engagement:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules of Engagement:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules of Engagement:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch's on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules of Engagement:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust tempera! ture on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules of Engagement:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't
find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
26. Trident Submarine: Receives NCA authorization to launch on snake, brings submarine to launch depth, launches a Trident II D5 ICBM on snake's co-ordinates. Warhead homes in on snake's position using Inertial guidance, Stellar Sighting, GPS and a AAA map and detonates 12 MIRVed warheads on snake's position and kills snake by landing on it. Other snakes caught on the fringes of the blast give birth to mutated snakes in the next year giving Hollywood new monster to make a movie about. And gives Japan national nightmares about what else could hatch.
------------------------------------
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:
1) The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2) The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
3) The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
4) The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Bonus two:
a) A Pfc with a badge.
b) A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy is running around in a public bathroom and stops dead in his tracks when a marine walks in the door in full uniform.
The little boy says, "Wow, a you a real Marine?"
"Why yes I am, would you like to wear my hat?"
"Boy would I ever Mister, Thanks" and so the marine hands the hat over and walks into the nearest stall.
The little boy continues to run around the bathroom when in walks a Sailor in full uniform. The little boy again stops dead in his tracks and says, "Wow are you a real Sailor?"
"Why yes I am, would you like to hold my dick?"
The little boy looks at him and says "Oh no sir, I'm not a real marine, I'm just borrowing his hat."
and for all the marines out there here is another joke that might make you laugh:
Why does the Navy use powedered soap in the shower?
Because it takes longer to pick up.
-----------------------------------------------------
US Marine Corps Rules of Engagement:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with "4".
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair f! ight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules of Engagement:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules of Engagement:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules of Engagement:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch's on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules of Engagement:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust tempera! ture on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules of Engagement:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines on ships?
A: Because SHEEP would be too obvious!
