Joke for a Friday (22 April)


One Shot One Maggie's Drawers
Feb 26, 2005
South of the Mason-Dixon
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An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you're for real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God , saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last few minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy, he sent me."

Semper Fi!
I'll add one. My brother just sent me this one..
A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies
there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though.
Happy Friday, everyone!

Subject: FW: Too Smart for First Grade

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give
the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the
1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and ! tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The
principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide
and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A blind man decided he wanted to go to Texas, so he gets on a plane, 1st class. Before he sits down, he feels the seat and says, "Wow, these sure are big seats."

The flight attendant says, "Everything's big in Texas."

When he gets to Texas, he decides that he's thirsty and would like to go to a real Texas bar, so he gets a cab and tells the driver where he wants to go. The driver takes him to a big bar and he finds his way in. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keep sits a glass down in front of him and the man exclaims, "Wow! This sure is a big glass!"

The bar keep says, "Sure, everything's big in Texas."

He drinks the beer and then, since you never buy a beer, you only rent it, he asks the bar keep, "Where's the men's room?"

"Follow the bar straight down to you left and through the door way straight ahead. It's the second door on your right."

He gets off the stool and manages to find the open doorway, but he trips and misses the first door. He finds the 2nd one, but it's really the 3rd which leads to the pool. He walks in and falls into the pool. When he comes up, he yells, "Don't flush!!! Don't flush!!!"
Since I'm leaving shortly and will be out of town this weekend, I wanted to throw this out.
Happy Friday!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Why is air a lot like s* x?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry v* rgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have s* x?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during s* x?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breast z don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the S* x Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh* t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
OK, since we're into un-PC humor, a plane's in the middle of a trans-Atlantic flight and starts loosing fuel. The crew immediately begins flying to their closest alternative landing in the most fuel-efficient manner. They soon realize that they're going to come up short.

In an effort to stretch their fuel out, they jettison all the luggage. Still not enough. So the cabin crew and passengers toss all the carry-on bags and start stripping the interior of the plane. The flight crew announces that they still need to get rid of several hundred pounds. But there's nothing left to toss, so finally an Englishman gets up, shouts "God save the Queen!" and jumps. Unfortunately, it's not enough. Then a Frenchman, who was seriously working on the wine supply before the emergency, stands up and mumbles "Vive la France," then jumps.

The Captain then announces that they're close, but still need to loose about 300 pounds. From the first-class cabin a huge guy wearing a cowboy hat gets up and slowly back towards the rear of the plane. When he gets there he yells "Remember the Alamo!", turns around, grabs two Mexicans from their seats and throws them out the hatch.

(Lo siento mucho, amigos, pero es divertido.)
Happy Good Friday, all! Do not read the following if easily offended. All meant in good fun.

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in

heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first
girl, "Tiffany,

have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly
replies, Well, I

once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says,
"Okay, dip the

tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact

with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well,
once I fondled and

stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water
and pass

through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to

the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa!
What seems to

be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want

to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if
they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer
to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was
probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a
notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%
pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they
decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Almost forgot. Happy Friday!

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a
Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson
Friday the 15th

As I Mature...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up that you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are a celebrity.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there'd better be a lot of money to take it's place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 of your me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen, and if not, tough nuts.
Happy Friday!

A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy. The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What is going on with this stupid dog?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."
Subject: The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first
would come back and inform the other of the
afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to
go, and true to his word, he made contact,
"Mary . . Mary . "

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I
have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have
sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf
course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
until late at night. The next day it starts
"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a
chuckle) other words send it to everyone.

I'm still thinking about that pig.........
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was
walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three
pound live lobsters - one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed!
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the
Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and
wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you
this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after
the Season Closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are
two trained Lobsters that I caught two weeks before
the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house
down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a
swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a
smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and
up comes me two Lobsters, and I takes them home!"

Likely story, the Fisheries Officer says! Lets take
them on down the wharf and see if its true.
So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to
the end of the Wharf where, under supervision, he
gently lowers both Lobsters into the Water.

The Newfie sets on a Wharf Piling and lights up a
smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to
he Newfie "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says, "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"
Since I wasn't around last Friday, I thought I'd toss this one in now.

If you're easily offended, don't read!

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
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