I need cheering up

hminsky

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"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."
 

Rob Boudrie

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And then my heart with anger fills, a dollar a piece for daffodils!!!

- B. Moose, The Pride of Fostbite Falls
 

Live-a-Little

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Sorry to hear about your situation. MS is never easy. I have known a few people with MS and it's always the support that they have that gets them through. So good on you for being her rock.
 

Live-a-Little

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Joke...

There is a charity ball for the disabled. At this event there are a ton of people out on the dance floor. On one side of the floor just sitting there is a good looking guy with a prosthetic leg and on the other side of the floor is a beautiful girl with a wooden eye. Both came with friends who are now out on the dance floor, but neither has the courage to dance themselves.

The guys friends finish dancing and ask him "why don't you ask that beautiful girl sitting over there for a dance". He responds "she is way to gorgeous to want to dance with my one legged @5$". Meanwhile her friends are asking her if she'll ask the good looking guy across the floor for a dance. She responds "no one would want to dance face to face with this ugly wooden eye"

The night goes on and his friends pressure him again and once more he refuses saying"she is out of my league". Her friends are pressuring her just the same. They are telling her how amazing she looks tonight and how lucky he would be to have a dance with her. It works, her confidence is boosted and she walks over to him.

"would you like to dance with me?"

He can't believe it. She asked him and he can't control his excitement. He jumps up and practically yells out

"WOULD I"

She quickly responds "F**k You peg leg" and storms off.
 
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She was 41 when diagnosed.

Will sound weird, but pray you have remitting/relapsing MS. Drugs are designed for that and between bouts, you will be pretty stable.

Get used to hating summer and winter. Extreme temps really mess with your body.

Hoping the best for you. Good luck!


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I do have R&R, I've had 3-4 recurrences over the past few years but all have been extremely minor since the first bad one.

Prayers for you and your wife, it sounds like she's primary progressive, that sucks dude I wish you the best. There is a special place in heaven for caretakers of the sick.
 

Laura

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Henny Youngman Jokes 1
HennyAirline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
 

Laura

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Wife Jokes

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Take my wife, please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
 

yogi

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Joke: three men sitting at a bar, a German, a Frenchman and a irish man. They all are served a beer in a pint glass. The German notices a fly floating and demands a new beer and glass. The franch man notices a fly in his beer, he picks it up, wipes his mug and starts to chug the beer. The Irish man too has a fly floating. He picks the fly out and while holding it by each tiny wing over the mug, he shouts "spit it out you bastard".

Lame joke I know but Hope things get better.....
 

W.E.C

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Hang in there , my friends wife is and has been in the same boat , he stays in shape for 25 yrs, put 2 boys through collage, on a blue collar job, and we still have time for a few beers on a Friday nite. The wife has a few too, and one time she drove her rascal into the pool!

We we fished her out, and she lit up a smoke and said eff it, I wanted a new one anyway.

i think that guy has a hidden S under his tee shirt.
 
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My heart sank seeing the struggles you and your wife have been contending with! I am more a clown than a commedianne, so please excuse my lack of jokes, but offering of since prayers, hugs, and support! The in sickness and in health part of the vows, I don't believe anyone is prepared for when the tides turn- have seen many relationships dissolve as a result of illness. Your love and devotion to your wife shines through...and I am deeply touched by the loving care you are providing for her. I pray for you both to receive kindness and support during this exacerbation. If I can help in any way- please let me know. God bless, and please give your wife a big hug from me!
 

Paul455

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Stay strong my friend....know that every ounce of energy that you contribute is greatly appreciated.
I am dealing with this on multiple fronts (wife has medical issues and an elderly parent), so I feel your pain.
"Never ever give up...ever"
 
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Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
Prayers for you and your wife. I can't say in words how much I admire anyone who cares for spouses, children, anyone who has any kind of health issues. You are a good man/husband, may God bless you.

My wife is a nurse and we took in my grandmother years ago. I showed grandma love but I was blown away at how my wife cared for her medical/hygienic needs. That is love, unselfish love that expects nothing in return.

The girl who was my daughter's horse trainer last year has MS. She is only in her 30's, very active, quite attractive with a young son. Her husband left her. I was amazed at her energy and positive attitude. My wife asked her how she was doing one day and she said, "I'm good. I've got WWIII raging inside my body but I'm pushing through, staying positive and doing ok." We could not afford lessons this year so I haven't kept in touch with her but I hear she is getting remarried and has a new job.

As far as jokes, I don't know too many but a few months ago I watched a bunched of John Pinette videos on YouTube. That guy makes me laugh like few others. He was the big guy who did the routine about the Chinese buffet "You been here 4 hour! You go now, you no come back!" He has a ton of other hilarious material too. When I can get away from my work pc I'll find some links for you (YouTube is blocked on work pc).

 
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Mass Predator

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An Italian, a Polock, and a Puerto Rican all jump off a cliff at the same time. Who hits first?
The Italian.
The pollock got lost and the Puerto Rican had to stop and graffitti "**** you" on the wall.
 

cockpitbob

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A priest and a rabbi were out for a drive in the mountains in the priest's convertible. The car blew a tire and veered off the road throwing both occupants clear of the car as it rolled down the mountain side. The priest was shaken, but OK so he got up to look for his friend the rabbi. He saw the rabbi 100' further down the hill and feared the worst, but then he saw the rabbi sit up and cross himself the way a Catholic would. This surprised the priest who called down to his friend:

"Rabbi my friend, are you OK?!"

"Oy vey, that was rough, but yes, I'm OK."

"Rabbi, I saw you cross yourself. Did surviving the crash convince you to convert to Catholicism???"

"Convert? Oh, that! No, I was checking to see if I had everything. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch; I've got everything."
 

Palladin

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my thoughts are with you....

from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
NO! the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?
Again, the answer was, NO!
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
me into heaven?
Again, they all answered, NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, Then how can I get
into heaven?
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
 

Mass Predator

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This was the BEST joke in history on Feb 12 2012. Remember Whitney Houston died Sat Feb 11 2012:

What is hard, 8" long and is not getting sucked sunday morning?
Whitney Huston's crack pipe.
 
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The title says it all.

My wife, who has been suffering from MS for 10+ years now is slowly losing her ability to use her legs. She can usually transfer in and out of her wheel chair, but this year, her bladder has basically said, "Ya know what...I'm done working." So she has a permanent cath now. Fun times, right? Anyway, this makes her more prone to infections down in the nether regions. Well, last week she got another one. We went to the ER and got her on the antibiotics and that is clearing up.

But when this happens, she becomes bed ridden and loses strength in her legs. So, I've been having to lift her in and out of bed and doing all of the icky stuff that husbands are supposed to do for their wives...that whole...for better or for worse thing. Man...talk about a part of the contract where you hope to only experience the former and never touch the latter. [grin]

On top of this, my work has gotten WAAAAAY more stressful. We had layoffs where we lost headcount on my team...so that means...we get to do the work of 4 with 3 guys and with 4 guys...we were still pretty busy. So yeah...that sucks.

SO...CHEER ME UP, NES!

One liner jokes...something quick and funny and NON POLITICAL. That shit is also adding to my stress level. I went as far as deactivating my FB account until after the election. I just don't need to read all of this negativity right now.

Earlier today, I spent a TON of time in the Feline thread and wandered down the YouTube rabbit hole watching FAIL videos. That helped! [rofl2] And if you didn't know it already, cats are dicks! [rofl]


Fire away!

Prayers and positive thoughts are also welcome.

Wow, I just saw this. My mother has MS and has for over 40 years. I know it's not a consolation, but she is worse off than your wife but still truckin. Completely bedridden, transfers in a hoyer and takes a cocktail of drugs I have to sort every week. She had UTI from catheters.. Better off with the depends if possible. But, the good news is, she is now 74 years old and stays positive and has lived a pretty decent life despite it all. Today the technology is better than it was then and the advances in medicine are going faster. It is too late for my mother even if they could "cure" it, but I think your wife will see major advances very soon. Keep looking on the bright side and do what makes you happy when you can.

Best Wishes and Prayer.
 

garandman

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Did you hear about the young Jihadis who were killed when the IED they were planting exploded?

Kids blow up so fast these days.....

######
A Gorilla escapes from the zoo and a neighbor finds him in a tree. He calls the zoo, who sends a Gorilla catcher. This consists of a pickup truck with a cage on the back, a dog, and a guy with a shotgun.

The guy explains to him that the dog is specially trained. He will go up in the tree and shake it until the gorilla falls out of the tree. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog clamps down on his balls until they have him in the cage.

"What's the shotgun for?"

"The shotgun is for you. Sometimes, the gorilla shakes me out of the tree. If that happens, "Shoot that damned dog!"
 
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blindfire

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Oh man...this thread has really delivered! Got a lot of laughs out of it...thank you all.

We are switching to a different visiting nurse company. The current one is basic services only and doesn't really sound interested in offering much more than that. So, I got a recommendation from her doctor's office and called the new place. They sound like what we need. Getting the doc to write the orders up now and get it going.

I took a mental health day from work today....really helping I think. Yesterday was so dark and low for me. Having to clean your wife up is tough. I can only imagine how she felt while it did that. But hey..."shit happens". [rofl2] A little dark humor there.

Again...thank you all for your kind words and support. I've come to NES several times for help over the past 6 years and you guys are all super. We have a great community here even though we don't see eye to eye on some things, we are all still human at the end of the day and we will support each other when it really matters.

God bless you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
 
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Sorry for your situation Blindfire. You and your wife are in my prayers.


How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?





Hey look, a fly!!!
 

dlarge

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Oh man...this thread has really delivered! Got a lot of laughs out of it...thank you all.

We are switching to a different visiting nurse company. The current one is basic services only and doesn't really sound interested in offering much more than that. So, I got a recommendation from her doctor's office and called the new place. They sound like what we need. Getting the doc to write the orders up now and get it going.

I took a mental health day from work today....really helping I think. Yesterday was so dark and low for me. Having to clean your wife up is tough. I can only imagine how she felt while it did that. But hey..."shit happens". [rofl2] A little dark humor there.

Again...thank you all for your kind words and support. I've come to NES several times for help over the past 6 years and you guys are all super. We have a great community here even though we don't see eye to eye on some things, we are all still human at the end of the day and we will support each other when it really matters.

God bless you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My dad went through this with my mom before she passed away. It took both of us to keep her from pulling out her cath. Strong to the end, it was nuts.

Anyhow, best of luck my friend!
 

cockpitbob

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Sorry for your situation Blindfire. You and your wife are in my prayers.


How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?





Hey look, a fly!!!
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?





Two.
One to screw in the bulb and one to hold the penis..LADDER, I MEANT LADDER!!!

(shamelessly pilfered from the worst joke thread)
 
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