Handgun Control Inc. Dictionary


NES Member
Mar 11, 2005
Stoneham MA
Feedback: 7 / 0 / 0
Just got this off Packing.org and thought it was good for a midday laugh



AMAZING FIREPOWER - a) holding more than two shots; b) makes a loud 'boom' which could hurt the ears of a child.

ARMOR-PIERCING AMMO - Any round capable of penetrating 5 layers of aluminum foil, or a heavy sweater. Must be banned.

ASNER, Edward - An actor world renowned for his brilliant portrayal of a major metropolitan newspaper editor; truthful, hand- some, virile yet kindly and honest spokesman whose veracity is unassailable when he speaks of the need for gun control.

BILL OF RIGHTS - A piece of parchment written by dead white males, that is either worthless or sacred, depending on whether the portion under consideration agrees with us.

BRADY, SARAH - Saintly daughter of FBI agent, who grew up with guns, then decided they are wrong for the rest of us. Similarity of philosophy to that of Adolf Hitler has been exaggerated.

CANNON, HOWITZER, ELEPHANT GUN - Any weapon having "amazing firepower" (above), eg, any firearm more powerful than a .22 blank starters Pistol. Must be banned.

CIVILIZATION - Those parts of the world where guns are outlawed (like New York City, or Northern Ireland).

COP-KILLER BULLET - Either a hard, non-expanding bullet, or a soft, expanding bullet, depending on which isn't banned yet.

CSGV / HCI - Socially responsible organizations of honest, concerned, truthful citizens of the highest integrity who only want to keep Saturday Night Specials out of the hands of criminals.

CRIMINAL - Anyone possessing a gun, if we get our way...

CULTURE OF GUNS - Those Americans still capable of original or independent thought. Must be reeducated to understand that we, not they, know what's best for them. (We haven't ruled out "camps"...)

DEADLY ASSAULT RIFLE - Any open-sighted firearm that will fire two or more consecutive rounds without major inconvenience to the user. Must be banned.

DEADLY SNIPER WEAPON - Any weapon capable of accepting an optical sighting device. Must be banned.

DEADLY "STEALTH" WEAPON - Any gun with a quiet or muffled report, e.g. air guns. Must be banned.

DEADLY ASSAULT PISTOL - Aww, hell, even we don't know what this is.

Better ban 'em all, just to be sure...

GUN - Any oblong metallic object capable of harming a child, even if he drops it on his foot. Must be banned IMMEDIATELY.

HESTON, Charlton - An obscure, little-known actor who once had a minor role in a movie about the Bible; has been known to espouse the pro-gun propaganda of the NRA. Probably a student of Soviet disinformation techniques.

HUNTERS - Sadistic uncivilized cretins who wantonly massacre morally superior peace-loving woodland creatures with assault rifles and elephant guns, then leave the carcasses to rot while they (the hunters) drink beer. Many seem to worship severed heads. Must be taxed to clean up their contribution to urban violence (the current $75 Million in fees stupidly goes to husband more animals for them to shoot).


LEAD - Toxic substance used to make bullets that kill children ... (what, they're not buying that? ... well, how about ...) - Toxic substance that contaminates drinking water when mistakenly used in pipe solder (yeah, that's the ticket!). Must be taxed out of existence to pay for "cleanup".

LIES - Anything the National Rifle Association says.

LOBBYIST - 1) An HCI representative who tells the truth to Congress about gun control. 2) An NRA representative who lies to the Congress about gun control.

MACHINE GUN - (old) Any firearm capable of firing more than one round without having to ram powder, patch, and ball down the barrel. (current) Any gun containing parts made with machines.

MERCENARY - Anyone who owns an assault rifle.

NATIONAL RIFLE ASSN. - An organization made up of ultra right-wing redneck, beer-swilling, roadsign-shooting bumkins, who believe everyone should be forced to own a machine gun loaded with cop-killer bullets, and skinheads should each own two.

POLITE SOCIETY - Hate-filled "code-word" for racist, sexist, gay-bashing slaughterhouse that would result if unwashed masses were not restrained by big government, with us in charge.

POLLS - 1) A random sampling of good & decent people that proves a majority want gun control. 2) A biased sampling of NRA members that NRA uses to claim people don't want gun control.

RANGE - Place where homicidal maniacs are encouraged by the NRA to practice killing women and children.

RELOADING - The black art of manufacturing cop-killer bullets clandestinely by the dark of night in one's basement. Probably involves witchcraft.

SAFE STORAGE LAWS - It's 3 am, do you know where your guns are? We do, and just to make sure, we're going to come in and look around. Smart off, and you're under arrest. Resist, and we'll take your house.

SABOT - Bullet which only kills police. Somehow it knows.

SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL - Any weapon affordable to working people. Won't sleep until these are banned.

SCHUMER, CHARLES - may already be a wiener. (see Opportunists, shameless).

SEETHING CAULDRON OF HOMICIDAL RAGE - holder of concealed carry permit.

SEMI-AUTO - Weapon capable of pumping bullet after bullet into your daughter's dead body. The NRA wants everyone to have one.

SPORTSMAN - Anyone who doesn't use a firearm in recreational or outdoor activity.

STATISTICS - 1) A series of numbers that prove our point. 2) A series of numbers the NRA lies about, which proves our point.


TOOLS OF SICK PARA-MILITARY FANTASY - Paint guns, starters pistols, camo gear, combat boots, etc. Must all be banned.

TRUTH - Anything Handgun Control, Inc. says (see "Pravda"). Call us, we'll tell you what to think. Or better yet, keep your mouth shut and just send more money.

TWELVE YEARS OF REAGAN-BUSH - (a) Why I did it; (b) Why it's not my fault.

WAITING PERIOD - Will either break the back of crime, or be completely insufficient and ineffective, depending on the date of the HCI press release relative to passage of the Brady Act.
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