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Good 1's

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by kelton, Jul 26, 2018.

  1. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
    96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
    the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

    The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
    starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or
    down?"

    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
    sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
    forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
    of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
     
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  2. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  3. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the
    nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
    the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a
    picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
    joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
    and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he
    shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
    around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to
    him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
    out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
    him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final
    corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
    stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, Good grief,"
    said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"...
     
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  4. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

    Male Procedure:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    Female Procedure:
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    4. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
    6. Re-insert card the right way.
    7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    8. Enter PIN.
    9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    10. Enter amount of cash required.
    11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
    12. Retrieve cash and receipt
    13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
    15. Re-check makeup.
    16. Drive forward 2 feet.
    17. Reverse back to cash machine.
    18. Retrieve card.
    19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
    21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    22. Redial person on cell phone.
    23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    24. Release Parking Brake.
     
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  5. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

    The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

    "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

    "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
     
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  6. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Two hillbillies, Ed from Ky. and Bob from Ar. walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies Ed looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.

    Then Ed asks, "kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

    Ed walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a couple of licks with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Ed walks slowly back to his table.

    His partner Bob says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I aint never seed nobody do it!"
     
  7. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do...

    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
    Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

    Nuts about You:
    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
    Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
    Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

    A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
    In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
    Diane E. Amov

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
    "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
    This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
    Anonymous

    This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story: We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
     
  8. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and all on board perish. Now all are in line at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St Peter asks the first girl, "Tammy, have you ever had any contact with a naughty male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "Ok dip the tip of your finger into the holy water and pass through the pearly gates."

    He asks the next girl the same question. She says, "Well I once stroked and fondled one." So he tells her to dip her whole hand in the holy water and pass through the pearly gates.

    All of the sudden there is a bunch of commotion from the back of the line. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. She gets to the front and St Peter asked, "Lacy, what seems to be the rush?"

    She says, "If I'm gonna have to gargle that holy water I wanna do it before Kim sticks her butt in it!"
     
  9. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

    AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

    THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
    THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

    THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

    'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
    'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
    'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

    HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE. I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.

    'A WITCH??.. WHY in the world WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
    'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.
     
  10. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Frozen Skunk;

    Rick and his wife, Angie Marie were driving home one very cold night when Angie Marie asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?’He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it. 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?’Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.’'But what about the smell?' Just hold its little nose.' Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
     
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  11. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on an assailant.

    The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

    But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!!

    (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    My bowels cut loose with everything inside me and I pissed my pants about 10 times.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

    You should know if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    Most of the furniture was turned over.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.

    The cat was hanging from the ceiling making noises I've never heard before.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!!

    I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
     
  12. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    In the Kingdom of Thailand.......


    In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

    They lay stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

    A specially chosen nubile and a very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

    As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.

    The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

    This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

    And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!

    I tried to check this out on Snopes and they said I was a pervert!
     
  13. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Subject: Gynecologist's Assistant

    A man went into the State unemployment office in Indianapolis and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

    The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000 and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ."

    "Good grief; is that where the job is?"

    "No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."
     
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  14. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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  15. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

    He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

    He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

    "Did you dance much ?"

    "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
     
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  16. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

    The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

    Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."

    The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."

    The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"

    Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."

    The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"

    Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."

    A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"

    Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."

    The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."
     
  17. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
    and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had
    been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
    I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
    sought my husband's advice.

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini
    or an all-in-one?'

    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it
    all in one.'

    He's still in intensive care.
     
  18. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

    "Uh, no," he said.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," he said, now really intrigued.

    "Well, go look in the garage…"
     
  19. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
    to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
    who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
    good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
    claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
    and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
    into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
    balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
    rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
    fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
    broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
    found superhuman strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
    balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
    point, the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
    died.” The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
    roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
    over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
    balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
    on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
    some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
    chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
    and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
    as he directs the man to the next room.

    He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
    apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
    the fellow in here just before you."

    "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
    in this cedar chest....."
     
  20. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    The Sobbing Wife...

    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
    sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
    He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had
    to call multiple times before he would even answer the
    phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront
    the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
    told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This
    morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
    I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
    realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car
    keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
    when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
    tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
    waiting for me to open up.

    I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
    all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
    the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
    all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and
    knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
    which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
    bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
    broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I
    finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to
    know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

    And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
    her."
     
  21. Qwikdraw45

    Qwikdraw45

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  22. nastynatural

    nastynatural NES Life Member NES Member

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    Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
     
  23. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Beer Theories (and best served in a frozen mug)

    Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

    Babe Ruth

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

    Lyndon B. Johnson


    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

    Paul Horning



    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

    H. L. Mencken

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

    George Bernard Shaw

    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

    Benjamin Franklin

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

    Dave Barry

    BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

    W. C. Fields

    Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

    Professor Irwin Corey

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

    Leo Durocher




    One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
    "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keep improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
     
  24. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

    So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree..'

    The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

    The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

    The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he do this?

    The chief replied, 'My bike..'
     
  25. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.
    Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
    There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that thar hole!"

    Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
    back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
     
  26. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
    confused as to where he was on the course.
    Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

    He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

    He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

    'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

    He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

    The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

    'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

    'No, I won't.'

    'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

    With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

    'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

    'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
     
  27. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    LARRY THE CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS TRUE!

    Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

    * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
    * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
    * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
    Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

    Think about this:
    1. Cows
    2. The Constitution
    3. The Ten Commandments

    COWS
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

    THE CONSTITUTION
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
    Why don't we just give them ours?
    It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS'
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
    you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
    'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
    'Thou Shall Not Lie'
    in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians,
    it creates a hostile work environment.
     
  28. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    How To Shower Like a Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more >sit-ups

    4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

    11. Shave armpits and legs.

    12. Turn off the shower.

    13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    14. Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

    15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

    16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


    How To Shower Like a Man


    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Wash your face

    6. Wash your armpits.

    7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

    9. Spend the majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

    11. Shampoo your hair.

    12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk......if you have enough hair

    13. Pee.

    14. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

    15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

    16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

    17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light, and fan on.

    18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again...

    19. Throw wet towel on the bed.
     
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  29. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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  30. kelton

    kelton NES Member

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    On the first day, God created the cow.

    God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

    And God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the dog.

    God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

    So God agreed (sigh).

    On the third day, God created the monkey.

    God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man.

    God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." The man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained
     
    ToddDubya likes this.

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