Good 1's

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Now I understand how things work.

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
 

tuna

NES Member
Rating - 100%
4   0   0
Joined
Sep 20, 2006
Messages
6,645
Likes
5,640
Location
Western Mass
I TOLD MY SON TO CHANGE HIS UNDERWEAR AT LEAST DAILY.
HE ASKED WHY.
I SAID SO YOU DONT GET CROTCH ROT.
MY DAUGHTER SAID HE’S A BOY SO HE’D GET WEENIE ROT.
THEN SHE SAID IF HE DID, HE’D HAVE A ROT DOG.


I’m dying laughing.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
One day the directors of a Chicago finance company were called into a chairman's office one by one until only the newest junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.

Suddenly the chairman turned to the young man and asked: Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?

No, certainly not.

Are you absolutely sure? persisted the chairman.

Absolutely. I've never laid a finger on her.

You'd swear to that on a stack of bibles?

Yes, I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.

Good. Then you fire her.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backward, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK, I can't parallel park-----------you do it, you smug S.O.B."
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again.

Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
 

tuna

NES Member
Rating - 100%
4   0   0
Joined
Sep 20, 2006
Messages
6,645
Likes
5,640
Location
Western Mass
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
 

tuna

NES Member
Rating - 100%
4   0   0
Joined
Sep 20, 2006
Messages
6,645
Likes
5,640
Location
Western Mass
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009.
Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40 pThe overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p 140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p 150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness.

1:15p I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p. Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

”Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I
have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I
told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But
Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from
then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Wel,l now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A 76-year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 76-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude, and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son;
I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating.'
...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because, when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But, the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."
 
  • Like
Reactions: TLB

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd **** my pants!"
He got the job!
 
Rating - 100%
20   0   0
Joined
Mar 14, 2014
Messages
549
Likes
255
Superman was quite bored one day and was flying around looking for something to do. Spider-Man, Batman and and Aquaman were all busy.

Flying over a beach Superman looks down and sees Wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude. Superman decides that he could fly down and very quickly have his way with her, then fly off without getting caught. He prepares himself and flies down to Wonderwoman and has sex with Wonderwoman. Superman flies off extremely satisfied and thinking to himself that he had just had the best sex he’s ever had.

Wonderwoman in shock says “What the hell was that?” The Invisible Man yells “I have no idea but my ass is killing me!”
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think we're at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He haves a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Anger Management Really Can Help

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Mike. Could I please speak with Susan Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Sue's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an @sshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '@sshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @sshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@sshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @sshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW @sshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @sshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called @sshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an @sshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me!" I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@sshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @sshole."

Then I called @sshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, @sshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @sshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I felt better.

Anger management at it's very best!
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young and vibrant looking.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems... "All these years, everything has been working fine, I have had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
Manure... An interesting fact.

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Stow High In Transit),…. “So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

And you probably did not know the true history of this word and neither did I...

I had always thought it was a golfing term!....
 

smokey-seven

NES Member
Rating - 100%
2   0   0
Joined
May 3, 2010
Messages
4,540
Likes
2,780
Location
North Shore
I had always thought it was a golfing term!....
Well... it IS a golfing term. You can hear it on the links frequently. even Tiger uses it.

You can hear it used most frequently when the ball stops just sort, or left or right of the cup.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news...

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
A heart surgeon was picking up his Harley from the shop where he left it for a valve job.
The mechanic told him "Doc, it comes to $810."
"That's rather steep. isn't it?" asks the surgeon.
"Well doc", says the mechanic "Last month you replaced a valve in my mother's heart and your bill was $25,000. How do you explain that?"
" I have a skill that most don't have," says the surgeon.
" I have a skill as well." the mechanic says " I can do a valve job on a Harley."
"Can you do it with the engine running?" Asks the doc.
 

kelton

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
May 5, 2012
Messages
6,196
Likes
8,909
Location
counting flowers on the wall
The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: " Your husband he says so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: " Your husband did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth): "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora ... the gardener did"

Wife: "So, how much of a raise you think would be fair?"
 
Top Bottom