Bad family members?

84ta406

NES Member
Rating - 100%
33   0   0
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
2,094
Likes
1,371
Location
Leicester MA
Just wondering if anyone else has a family member that no matter how hard they try to help them or give them guidance they always manage to screw things up for themselves?

For the past few weeks Ive had my brother living with me since his gf and him broke up and she threw him out using a ERPO to make sure he couldn't come back. I took him in because obviously no one wants to see their little brother out on the streets. Now mind you he has no job, no money, no car etc. My gf and I set him up with his own area in the front room, a bed and just kind of let him do his own thing for a bit. After asking him multiple times what his plan was it was obvious he didn't have any motivation to get a job or do anything but stay up all night and play his games. He has done nothing but eat our food and drink our bottled water that we stocked up on with not even a thank you. This past Saturday he was being a prick and said some things to my son which I didn't agree with, hes only 3 for christs sake and I told him if he didn't like the way things were happening here, there's the door. He left, sent me a couple shitbag messages and showed up again yesterday thinking I was just going to let him in. I told him that he wasn't welcome here any longer, he got upset obviously, said some things that I'm sure he will regret some day, a big blow out happened and he's no longer here. There's obviously a lot more that's gone on but that's the tip of the iceberg.

Now I know I cant forgive him for some of the things he said to me, especially throwing my deceased parents into the mix but I can't help but feel bad that he's out on the streets and has no where to go right now. I don't want to take him in again either. My gf and I both agree that he will not be allowed on the property ever again. This is a cycle that he goes through, he literally cant stop shooting himself in the foot, and doesn't know when to shut his mouth and take his licks.

Am I the only one who has someone like this? How many times can you try and help someone before you just give up on them because you know they wont change their ways?
 
Last edited:

appraiser

NES Member
Rating - 100%
16   0   0
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
9,897
Likes
3,823
does he have an alcohol problem or suspected mental illness?

In AA, we say people have to hit bottom and figure it out for themselves that they did.

No amount of poking or prodding from friends, family, significant others, or any other power in the universe will change a person until they want to change.

He WILL keep this behavior up until he hits rock bottom and realizes he is on his own... nobody is going to help him but himself.

I know you feel badly about his situation, but it is of his own making and it is his to correct no matter what the cause.
 
Rating - 100%
3   0   0
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
8,978
Likes
4,921
Location
Braintree, MA
Sometimes when you love someone you need to give them what they need. If you have a family at home you 100% need to watch out for them first.

Had something similar happen with my little brother. He's done this to all 4 of my brothers and sisters, crashing on the couch, overstaying the welcome, not getting a job. I threw him out when he got drunk and took my car and debit card at night without asking, while I was asleep. Later got him a hotel room, where he got in alot of trouble with the cops, and pissed off the owner of the hotel who is a client of mine.

If your relationship has got to this point already there's probably not much I can suggest that would help. If he has an underlaying mental illness or drug problem, you might be able to offer to send him to rehab or therapy if he agrees to get his shit together. It sounds like you're already past that.

Sorry man.
 

84ta406

NES Member
Rating - 100%
33   0   0
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
2,094
Likes
1,371
Location
Leicester MA
does he have an alcohol problem or suspected mental illness?

In AA, we say people have to hit bottom and figure it out for themselves that they did.

No amount of poking or prodding from friends, family, significant others, or any other power in the universe will change a person until they want to change.

I know you feel badly about his situation, but it is of his own making and it is his to correct no matter what the cause.
Definitely no alcohol or substance abuse going on but he is definitely unstable. Wether it's from depression or something else I don't know. When he was ERPO they did a evaluation and he was out of there within a couple hours with clear paperwork. There's just only so much I can help someone before it starts bringing me down as well.
 

Roland Deschain

NES Member
Rating - 100%
52   0   0
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
7,269
Likes
7,829
My dad has chronic depression and this amazing ability to make constant horrible decisions. He pissed away a half a million on a UPS store he bought (in his 70s) and a 350k house in Arizona that both got foreclosed on. Then he managed to fill my childhood house with garbage and lose his pension that we all told him was going to run out. I don't talk to him anymore because all he does is shit on me.
 

headednorth

NES Member
Rating - 100%
17   0   0
Joined
Apr 9, 2012
Messages
12,298
Likes
10,728
Cousin in AZ (or CO?). Drug user, alcoholic, 2x ex con. Cant keep a job and ran off to CO to chase some girl. He bonded with her kid (in his mind) and thinks of the kid as his own. She now wants nothing to do with him.

He's been back and forth between CO and AZ multiple times, each time burning a new bridge with his mother and two brothers. Theyre at the point now where they dont want to help him anymore even though the last they heard was he was homeless in CO somewhere.

Genuinely feel for the kid. I know deep down in there is a decent heart, but his life has been a non-stop trainwreck and he cant seem to help dragging everyone around him into his vortex. At some point you have to back away or theyll take you down with them and when you have nothing else to give, theyll just walk away and start on someone else.
 

Choctaw

NES Life Member
NES Member
Rating - 100%
1   0   0
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
2,321
Likes
3,958
Not to be cliché but it is hard to help someone who doesn't help themselves. How old is he? Could he join the military? In my experience structure and peer pressure do a fair job of helping people manage bad habits and bad decisions.
 

84ta406

NES Member
Rating - 100%
33   0   0
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
2,094
Likes
1,371
Location
Leicester MA
He turns 30 this year, he tried the military once and was medically discharged while in boot camp because he has severe Crohn's disease. I honestly think if he was able to get through that he would have a pretty good career in the military.
 

allen-1

NES Member
Rating - 100%
4   0   0
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
7,755
Likes
10,580
Location
GA; (CT escapee)
My best friend has a younger sister with Downs Syndrome; he's her guardian. He has an older brother who's been in and out of jail multiple times and who is currently doing 20 to life for murder.

His parents-in-law are getting older and less able to take care of themselves; his sister-in-law who lives with them has MS. His wife spends a lot of time at their house taking care of them.

My friend is one of the most decent, hard working guys you could hope to know.

I wonder sometimes why the universe is shitting on him.
 

Choctaw

NES Life Member
NES Member
Rating - 100%
1   0   0
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
2,321
Likes
3,958
He turns 30 this year, he tried the military once and was medically discharged while in boot camp because he has severe Crohn's disease. I honestly think if he was able to get through that he would have a pretty good career in the military.
Well, so much for my second suggestion;

WARNING: Since 17 March 2020, Foreign Legion Recruitment is suspended!

The recruitment of candidates for the French Foreign Legion was suspended until further notice due to the coronavirus disease (COVID-19). The information offices as well as the recruitment centers in Paris and Aubagne are closed now. All candidates asking to join the Foreign Legion will be sent back home.
 

GaryO

NES Member
Rating - 100%
16   0   0
Joined
Aug 15, 2006
Messages
12,392
Likes
4,632
Location
Franklin
My best friend has a younger sister with Downs Syndrome; he's her guardian. He has an older brother who's been in and out of jail multiple times and who is currently doing 20 to life for murder.

His parents-in-law are getting older and less able to take care of themselves; his sister-in-law who lives with them has MS. His wife spends a lot of time at their house taking care of them.

My friend is one of the most decent, hard working guys you could hope to know.

I wonder sometimes why the universe is shitting on him.
I don't look at it as the "universe is shitting on him", I look at it as"the universe realizes he is strong and able to care for the downtrodden". He may feel as the weight is crushing him but his kindness will give him strength.
 

Rockrivr1

NES Member
Rating - 100%
54   0   0
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
13,755
Likes
4,225
Location
South Central Mass
As others have said, you can't help someone who doesn't think they are the problem. These people always think their issues are other people's fault no matter what happens. You did the right thing and a hard life will teach him sooner or later. Just hope he learns. Some don't.
 

Dennis in MA

NES Member
Rating - 100%
25   0   0
Joined
Feb 12, 2007
Messages
19,118
Likes
10,318
F that s-word! You will make a better parent to your son because of this. What you were doing prior to throwing his sorry ass out was enabling. He doesn't need enabling. He needs to get off his butt and get his life in gear.

My son's biological mother hasn't held a steady job in. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ok, I'm not sure she's ever held a steady job. Ever. She was a welfare mom for his entire childhood. I forget how old she is so I don't know how much work she might have done before shacking up with his dad. She's in some half-way house now. She'll get a job for a month or two here and there. No idea how she's paying for it all.

Perhaps your brother needs real mental help. Or maybe he needs a kick in the ass. But he doesn't need to ungratefully sit on your couch and consume your consumables. He needs to get to a place where he WANTS help. When he gets there, have good walls but forgive easily. (My son is a MASTER at this with his mom. Like shocking. It's innate in him. He comes from a long line of enablers and he just doesn't carry the gene.)

And yes, this will make you a better parent. Because it will help you get through those lessons you need to teach your kids that hurt like hell but are done for THEIR good. And there are a lot of them. They hurt like hell. LOL
 

pcgod

NES Member
Rating - 100%
21   0   0
Joined
Nov 7, 2005
Messages
278
Likes
69
Life is full of choices. We each have to make our own choices and live with the consequences. There are folks that consistently make bad choices and families try to help them. The bottom line is most folks don't change until they hit rock bottom. Their rock bottom may be different from yours. But until they hit that point they will continue to spiral down. You can't fix it for them as it is THEIR life and not yours. You have tried to help and got shit on. You have to let it go and let it play out.
 

01906

NES Member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
Nov 18, 2016
Messages
762
Likes
838
I dealt with that for years, with my little brother. He knew I was to kind and could never say no. After getting F&$#ed repeatedly I finally told him to screw. Best thing I ever did. should have done it years before I would have saved myself a lot of aggravation. Still hasn't got his s*** together but he's not my problem now.
 

dustoff22

NES Member
Rating - 100%
87   0   0
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
2,930
Likes
1,097
Location
Cape Cod
We have two extra kids living with us now thanks to a shitty family member.
My wife and I can totally relate. We have a 7 and 9 year old living with us. My wife and I are in our 70's and I don't think the good Lord meant for old farts to be raising kids. We love them dearly but it's hard work, especially now with "home schooling" them during the virus debacle.
 

rosco61

NES Member
Rating - 100%
1   0   0
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
188
Likes
272
Location
North of boston
Let’s see. We have or had a number of needy malcontents in our family. Close family and relatives. Always trying to get over and take advantage of the decent hardworking productive members of the group. I’ve always said you're on your own. My wife always wants to help them even after repeatedly being abused by the A-Holes. Well she’s has finally had it as well. I told her so for years and she finally finally gets it. I threw the last of them out of the house years ago and he’s still a shit bum. Screw them. They are so selfish that they cause heart ache and misery for all of our families.. It’s all about them. I’ve been done with that for a few years now.
 
Last edited:

appraiser

NES Member
Rating - 100%
16   0   0
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
9,897
Likes
3,823
Dustoff, one of my friends became a Mom again at 54, taking in her Granddaughter because the Mom was a heroin addict, the Dad has not been in the pictures for years.

Unfortunately she could not take the 2 year old Grandson, who ended up in foster care, but in a years time they were able to convince the Daughter and sperm donor to sign away their parental rights and the little boy ended up being adopted by my friends Niece, and he went to CA where he is with children close to his own age.

The addict has been in jail for the last 2 years and is scheduled to be released to a half way house or something this month... we figure it will take a week or so before she is back in jail for something. It is pretty bad when an 8 year old gives up on you... and she has.

You are not alone, many people who thought they would be living their golden years in peace are now raising second families...
 

Cowgirlup

NES Member
Rating - 0%
0   0   0
Joined
Jan 30, 2013
Messages
2,935
Likes
3,959
Location
NH
F that s-word! You will make a better parent to your son because of this. What you were doing prior to throwing his sorry ass out was enabling. He doesn't need enabling. He needs to get off his butt and get his life in gear.

My son's biological mother hasn't held a steady job in. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ok, I'm not sure she's ever held a steady job. Ever. She was a welfare mom for his entire childhood. I forget how old she is so I don't know how much work she might have done before shacking up with his dad. She's in some half-way house now. She'll get a job for a month or two here and there. No idea how she's paying for it all.

Perhaps your brother needs real mental help. Or maybe he needs a kick in the ass. But he doesn't need to ungratefully sit on your couch and consume your consumables. He needs to get to a place where he WANTS help. When he gets there, have good walls but forgive easily. (My son is a MASTER at this with his mom. Like shocking. It's innate in him. He comes from a long line of enablers and he just doesn't carry the gene.)

And yes, this will make you a better parent. Because it will help you get through those lessons you need to teach your kids that hurt like hell but are done for THEIR good. And there are a lot of them. They hurt like hell. LOL

Exactly this!!!
 

Penniepup1

NES Member
Rating - 100%
11   0   0
Joined
Apr 5, 2014
Messages
3,184
Likes
3,609
Location
The “good” section of Lynn
This story is how I look at situations with people....

A man was in the ocean drowning, crying for God to help him.
A canoe floated by and the man called out to God and asked him to save him.
A moment later, a rowboat floated by and the man cried out for God to save him.
A moment later, the man drowns.
When he gets to heaven and meets the big guy with the G on on his sweatshirt, he asks.
Why am I here God, I asked for you to save me and you didn’t.? God replied, I sent you help twice but you refused it. You can substitute God with anyone’s name and it fully applies.
 

Dennis in MA

NES Member
Rating - 100%
25   0   0
Joined
Feb 12, 2007
Messages
19,118
Likes
10,318
Oh, forgot to mention, the rest of the family is a colossal disaster with Mom. Gramma actually tried to get her moved closer to home. Told everyone that she was wonderful and she was so proud and free at least free at last and how my son shouldn't be leery of mom's latest turn around.

Well that was around Christmas. Mom is still living in her 1/2way house far from the fam and Gramma who was gonna move heaven and earth and give all sorts of $ to get mom back on her feet. . . . well, she's gone real quiet like.

But what a d-wordy thing to do to your own daughter. Declare you're gonna help and then up and disappear on her like that. If you are THAT committed, PUT YOUR NAME ON THE LEASE! Nope. It was about Gramma feeling better about herself and not truly helping her daughter. :(



So I'll reiterate - be a man, Stan. It sucks. Gotta do it. Pray for help for him. Forgive. Don't forget.
 

JayMcB

NES Member
Rating - 100%
18   0   0
Joined
Aug 8, 2011
Messages
11,199
Likes
6,583
Location
Metro-Worst, assachusetts
Sorry you're going through some shit. I think most of us have been there.

I'd try and find it in your heart to forgive your brother. Not forget, but forgive.

I'm certainly not suggesting you invite him back into your home, but if you decide to for any reason, tell him in no uncertain terms that he may not speak to your son in a way you don't approve of, and lastly, I'd offer him 2 pieces of advice:

1) Pull your own weight, and be grateful
2) If you're already in a hole, STOP DIGGING
 
Top Bottom