A Tale of two Robins

[FPrice]

Two robins were sitting in a tree.


"I'm really hungry," said the first one.


"Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of
newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate
and ate and ate till they could eat no more.


"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the
tree," said the first one.


"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.


"O K," said the first.


So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat
tomcat up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing
his face after his meal, he thought...

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(don't look yet)

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(ready??)

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(you're gonna love this one)

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.... he thought.....



"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

 

[Lynne]

<groan>

 

[MrsWildweasel]

Ohhhh,booooooooooooo. [lol]

 

[SiameseRat]

uuuuuuughhhhhhhh

 

[Moderator]

 

[C-pher]

Damn, that was funny right there...



Anyway...

Is this going to be the offical Pun thread? Becuase me and some buddies used to collect them. And I love them. And I think that I have TONS in my e-mail box just sitting there waiting to be shared.

 

[FPrice]

C-pher,

Is this going to be the offical Pun thread?

A pun is the lowest form of humor. Especially when someone else posts it first!

 

[C-pher]

Yes, but I love them. And I'm SO going to keep yours to pass along.

I've yet to heat that one.

 

[Admin]

Damn, that was funny right there...



Anyway...

Is this going to be the offical Pun thread? Becuase me and some buddies used to collect them. And I love them. And I think that I have TONS in my e-mail box just sitting there waiting to be shared.

+1

 

[C-pher]

Anyway...

Let's get this thread going...


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.



This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[FPrice]

<groan>

Did you hear the one about the insomiac dyslexic agnostic?

He couldn't sleep at night as he pondered the existance of Dog.

<bada boom! bada bing!>

 

[C-pher]

Oh yea??

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

[FPrice]

This one will separate the men with a classical education from the boys.

Everyone here probably knows about William Penn and how he founded Pennsylvania. But few remember his two aunts, Mathila and Gertrude who were both outstanding in the culinary arts and founded one of the first bakeries in the new city of Philadelphia. Their pastries were wonderful but their most famous product were their pies. They made the most wonderful pies of every kind. People flocked from all over western Pennsylvania to try to buy one of their pies.

However as their pies became more and more sought after, Mathila and Gertrude found they had to raise the prices. And the more they raised the prices the more people wanted their pies and it became an ever-increasing cycle until the only thing Philadelphia residents could talk about was the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

 

[dwarven1]

the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

*groan*

You should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty! That's awful. And I didn't even see it coming.

 

[Grifter]

I thought it was just me, but after showing it to two other people they don't understand it either. I know where the punch line is I'm just having trouble following it.

 

[FPrice]

Ross,

You should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty! That's awful. And I didn't even see it coming.

 

[FPrice]

grifter,

I thought it was just me, but after showing it to two other people they don't understand it either. I know where the punch line is I'm just having trouble following it.

This is an old one, it's a take-off on an old Gilbert and sullivan opera:

http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/html/index.html

 

[C-pher]

Ok, that's funny. And I liked it....

Here you go..

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...





That only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[Chris]

From the master himself, Isaac Asimov:

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (which had a name that was pronounced — as nearly as earthly throats could make the sounds — Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.

Every Foy, of course, came to a voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must indulge in a yearlong mental contact. Apparently, the Foy had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart — or hearts, for he had five.

All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal.

Maude Briscoe, earth's most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. "It can't be just their number and size, Ray," she said to her chief assistant. "It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must have them."

"I don't know if we can manage that," said Ray Johnson. "I've been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I've had to lie to him, Maude."

"Lie?"

"I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that, by earthly belief, this would mean that his astral essence would be instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what's-it's-name — provided he would sign a release allowing you, Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation."

"Don't tell me he believed that."

"Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn't have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for earthly science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion and I hope he decides soon because he can't live more than another, day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be fresh — Ah, his signal."

Ray Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed. "Yes?" he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device in case the Foy wished to grant permission.

The Foy's large, gnarled, rather tree like body lay motionless on the bed. His bulging eyes palpitated — all five of them — as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Ray. The Foy's voice had a strange tone and the lipless edges of his open round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gestures of assent as he said, "Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me for Harold's choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstretethat I will soon be there."

Been a favorite of mine for years.

 

[Chris]

Another Asimov Classic:

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn't quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking.

Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. " My Teddy," he said, "can beat your Dolly."

"Your Teddy," scoffed Laverty, "doesn't move."

"Bet!" said Sloane.

The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved.

Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy.

The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly. Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on.

Teddy just sat there without budging.

"Sugar, Teddy, Sugar," said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned.

Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, "if you don't get out there, Teddy, I'm going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles."

That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport.

Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously.

Laverty said bitterly, "You knew the damn thing could teleport."

"No, I didn't," said Sloane, "but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing."

"How come?"

"It's an old saying everyone knows. ... Sloane's Teddy wins the race."

 

[dwarven1]

In the Lord of the Rings movie, what kind of network did Sauron have in his office connecting his computers?
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A Tolkien ring network, of course.

 

[Chris]

A Tolkien ring network, of course.

No wonder it took so long to get any information around.

 

[dwarven1]

From the master himself, Isaac Asimov:

I'll see your Asimov and raise you Spider Robinson:

The story I am about to relate takes place in the distant future. Interstellar travel is commonplace; contacts with alien races are familiar experiences. One day, however, a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but ever eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives.

This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try every thing they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth - in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, 'How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?' It happens that he's the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, 'IT COULDN'T " and squats down gain.

'Migod,' exclaims the xenobiologist, 'Of course! It only stands to reason.

 

[KMaurer]

Ah, there's that education factor again. It doesn't really qualify as classical, but it's certainly most US public screwels today. I don't know whether to nlame William S. Gilbert or Richard D’Oyly Carte more for this stinker. Try googling some part of this:

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news --
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

Hoist on his own savoyard!

Ken

 

[Lynne]

I thought it was just me, but after showing it to two other people they don't understand it either. I know where the punch line is I'm just having trouble following it.

The Pirates of Penzants (sp?)

I'll second Ross <groan> too. [lol] [lol]

 

[C-pher]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.