Dumb-asses in the Military

[garandman]

On purpose, I managed to make my way through about 3/4 of "Skippy's List" - much to my chain of command's dismay.

For those of you unfamiliar with this list: http://skippyslist.com/list/

I dare you to read it without laughing.

"When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

Was walking across the Kaserne when a Speedy4 saluted me with, "Nuke em til they f***ing glow, Sir." Got his name and unit and went to see his 1SGT. "First Sergeant, I understand unit pride but...." Before I got any farther (or named the soldier), he responded, "What has Specialist Minor done, this time?

Summary: every unit has one guy whose job it is to make the 1SGT grumpy.

"142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window."

 

[tuna]

207. The chicken and rice MRE is not a personal lubricant. That has led to other fluids being marked the same way.

 

[Stape]

Gosh, so many. one of my favorites though:

1998 or so, comming back from a night patrol exercise in Jungle Warfare Training Center, Okinawa, my PLT gets back to base camp. Its dark as dark can be in the jungle, and when we get back I can hear another Marine asking someone in our PLT, "Hey, is Doc with you?" So I hear this and muddle my way over to the GP tent where this request came from to see whats up. I hear "Joe" ask me, "Doc, you got any cream?" I'm like, I got all sorts of cream man....for what?" "Ummm" about two seconds later I hear another Marine pipe up "Tell Doc what you did Joe" it is then presented to me that Joe thought it would be funny to wank his member to attention, crack a chem-light, and pour it over said member now at attention, and he did so, then proceeded to smack his sleeping buddy on the forehead with his now luminous johnson.

The slumbering Marine awoke to this and kung-fu gripped his wang and tried to tear it off and a battle ensued over who was the bigger fag, the one for doing the smacking, or the one for refusing to let go lol.

Joe needed cream because of the ensuing rash. In typical Corpsman fashion, I gave him Motrin and told him to hydrate and change his socks.

 

[bfm]

Now the stupidest thing I ever saw involves a drunk buddy of mine, a live sex show at Kings Crossing in Australia where my buddy was an active participant on stage, the music stopping, he didn't and the hilarity that ensued when three very large bouncers "made" him stop. Lets just say he needed a trip to medical afterwards.

Sexy Stud: [as the cops pull up] Oh, shit! Not again! Gotta finish!

Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.

 

[FreeWillie]

TL;DR

Crazy Iranian goes rouge in USAF T-38 and almost kills himself and destroys aircraft in the process.

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We had 3 Iranian students come through UPT (Undergraduate Pilot Training). Two of them were OK pilots and one of them was a total **** up. Because we had a training deal with Iran at the time we couldn't wash him out of the program, so we just pushed him back a class. Well we pushed him back 3 classes and the ****er still couldn't fly an airplane for shit. The guy just couldn't fly a T-38. It didn't matter how many times we pushed him back.

SO, one day I'm in RSU (Runway Supervisory Unit) doing air traffic control and this T-38 shows up at "last chance" that's not on the schedule. I pick the phone up and call the Squadron and ask about the solo that's in last chance. They say "ain't ours". Now I try to establish radio contact with the aircrat but I get nothing. Now the aircraft is taxing to the runway. I'm on GUARD demanding the aircraft identify itself. Nothing. The airplane taxis onto the runway, powers up and starts to roll down the runway. I'm like WTF! Two seconds later the Squadron phones rings and I pick it it. The guy on the other end of the line is screamng "It's Khani!, It's Lt. Khani!". Lt Khani was the Iranian that is a total **** up.

Well Khani is now airborne and no one knows where the hell he's headed. I call the Center and advise that we have a rouge aircraft airborne and I am notifying ADC (Air Defense Command) to intercept. Center advises me that he's flying the standard departure and appears to be going to the practice area. I advise Center to recall all aircraft in the practice area and send them back to Craig AFB. Center does so and within 15 minutes T-38s start showing up at Craig for recovery. In the mean time ADC has advised that they have launched 2 F-4s out of Eglin AFB to intercept. Center advises me that the rouge has entered the practice area and is farting around in Area 4. Meanwhile the F-4s have shown up and are in the process of establishing visual contact with the rouge. So they establish visual contact but say that he's manuvering erraticly in the area and an intercept is not the wisest option but they will keep an eye on him. It seems that the dope is just doing practice maneuvers like you would do on a training flight. This goes on for an hour and fifteen minutes and then the aircraft turns back toward Craig and proceeds like he's coming back to the airfield. Well the F-4s flank him but stay out of sight. Sure enough he's headed back to the airbase. He even flies the Standard Arrival!

This whole time he has not responded to one radio call nor has he trasmitted on the radio. The airfield is on lockdown. All aircraft are on the ground except for Lt. Khani.

Approach Control advises that he's on a long initial approach. I alert Crash and Rescue. It appears he's coming back to land (he doesn't have any fuel to go anywhere). Without a doubt he has a low fuel light at this point (a T-38 has about 1:45 of fuel on board - he's been airborne 1:30). The spotter in RSU says "I have him visual". As he comes overhead, I get on the radio and broadcast on all frequencies "Aircraft on initial you are cleared to land at Craig, Runway 33 in use, wind is 340 at 2 knots." (Yes I remember exactly what I said). At the end of the runway the T-38 pitched out (the wrong way for the T-38 runway) and proceeded to downwind. The spotter called him putting down the landing gear (at the very least he wasn't going to land gear up, that's a plus!). Half way down the downwind the spotter advised that he had no flaps. UH OH! Not good! Anyone familiar with the T-38 knows that an overhead no flap landing in a T-38 is a death sentence. When you start the final turn, you're going to fall out of the sky like a brick. So I get on the radio and start yelling "Aircraft on downwind deploy your flaps". Nothing!

He starts the final turn..... and proceeds to fall out of the sky like a brick. I said "That's it! It's Over!" Now I'm just sitting there waiting for the fireball. Half way through this cockamamy manuver, he manages to roll the aircraft wings level and shove the throttles into full afterburner and use enough rudder to still keep the aircraft turning toward the runway. The aircraft is now about 35 degrees nose up, in full afterburner and still decending at about 1500 feet/minute. The aircraft came across the runway threshold still decending at about 1500 feet/minute and struck the runway with the afterburner exhaust, pitched forward, driving the main landing gear through the wings and slaming the nose gear onto the runway, snapping it off. As the aircraft settled onto the runway and began to skid down the runway a fire broke out on the underbelly. When the aircraft came to a stop, Lt Khani blew the canopy. That sucker went a 100 ft into the air. Lt Khani then proceeded to climb over the cockpit edge and catch his D-Ring in the canopy release lever, poping his chute. He then activated the quick releases on his chute and ran from the airplane. He was quickly aprehended by the MPs and whisked away.

I do not know what happened to him as I never saw him again.

 

[garandman]

How about a 1st BN Rangers combat vet who graduates from USMA wearing a Che Guevara shirt? Maybe he can go to work for US Rep Moulton?

http://popularmilitary.com/openly-c...cer-prior-enlisted-army-ranger-served-combat/

 

[kevin9]

TL;DR

Crazy Iranian goes rouge in USAF T-38 and almost kills himself and destroys aircraft in the process.
...

Heard similar stories from a coworker who was a former A-10 jockey and an instructor pilot trying to teach Saudi's (I think, but could have been Iranians) to fly. I think it was also on T-38s, but could have been another aircraft. I do remember him saying that many of them didn't have the leg strength or height needed to operate both brake pedals simultaneously which meant instructors had to be very alert that the students didn't ground loop the aircraft when running up the engine before takeoff.

 

[garandman]

Guess how fun it is to go to a live fire tank range with foreign officer trainees of questionable motivation and English language skills?